Love Me Some White Boys

I’m not racist, I swear. But I have a preference for white boys. I don’t really know why. I’ve only dated one “white boy” and the rest have been black. I’ve had crushes on almost every race…except for Asian, but that’s probably cuz they’re so tiny. LOL.

Anyway, one awesome thing about living in Lancaster is that there are a whole bunch of white boys. I love looking out the passenger side window on drives.

There’s even a whole row of cute white boys at my job. Unfortunately, my cubicle is on the opposite side, but I always make sure to pass by them on my break.

The first one that caught my eye (med. length black hair, tattoos) turned out to be gay. But then, I saw the new guy, who started working around the same time I did, but was training with a different group.

I was talking to my co-worker and new friend, Stacy, who I befriended by chance (her phone wasn’t working so they moved her to the desk next to mine for a week). We were in the middle of one of our many hilarious conversations, when Mr. Cutie walked by our row. My eyes almost fell out of their socket! He stopped to talk to us- well, Stacy, who had been in the same training group- and after he turned around to walk away I looked at Stacy and mouthed, “Oh my god, he’s so cute!!!”

Cuz…he is.

So every day during my first break, I make sure I pass him. I keep hoping he’ll notice me and check me out. Maybe even like what he sees. :P I would love to talk to him, but that seems unlikely since we’re on opposite sides of the room.

Well, tonight, right before work, I made a quick pit stop to the bathroom. When I was coming out, I passed him in the hallway. He looked so yummy, he stole all speech from me. Which is why, when he said hello, all I did was smile like a retard and kept walking.

Now he probably thinks I’m rude and not all there in the head.

Doh!

Then later, he went to put something on our Account Lead's desk (which is located behind mine) and I almost chocked on the water I was drinking. Not sure if he noticed or not. But when he glanced in my direction, my internet window was loading up this dress up game for 8 year olds (what!? I get bored at work and they have all the social sites blocked)

That's two for two.

Update (FINALLY!)

Wow, it's been 2 months since I last updated this blog. I'm such a horribly lazy girl! I've updated my other two blogs, and just kept forgetting about this one. :( I'm sorry.

A few things have happened since I last updated, and rather than think of a way to word it so I tell you everything, I'm just gonna copy and paste parts from my other blogs. Cuz I'm lazy, member? :P

1. Last October I entered a contest. It was a fanfiction contest where we had to take 1 of the characters from Linda Wisdom’s 50 Ways to Hex your Lover, and write a short (1500 word) story. I won. (Yay) I got an autographed copy of 50 Ways… and an autographed copy of the second story in the series, Hex Appeal. I also got some yummy hexy smelling body stuff. But the best part was that I got to be a character in one of her books. I even got to pick what color hair and eyes I’d have.

Well that book, Hex in High Heels (4th book in the series) came out this October! I, of course, had to take my tush to WalMart and get a copy. It’s a weird, satisfying, giggle-inducing feeling seeing Jennifer Santiago in a book, and know they mean me.

(Now if only I can get my name on the FRONT cover of a book :P)

I just wanted to share that with you guys. And thank Linda Wisdom for having such an awesome contest and for liking my lil fan fiction best. It warms up my insides. Hehe.

Anyway, if you want to read my fanfiction click here.

I still have to put a review up on Book Universe, and I’ll do that soon. I know it’s been a while, but I’ve been very busy. I wish I had enough time to do all the things I love to do, but alas it cannot be.

2. I’ve got a job! Woo! I’m a Customer Service Representative. I love it! I work nights (6 p.m-1 a.m), which is awesome considering I’m a night person. I spend my time taking supplement orders for old people. It’s hilarious. The things old people do.

I probably shouldn’t make fun, that’ll be me one day. But I give everyone permission to make fun of me if I ever call a CSR and put them on speakerphone so I can argue with my spouse and question my marriage.

I’m still living with my mother. Some days it’s okay. Other days…well…let’s say I almost went back to Connecticut. Seriously, my friend drove all the way to come get me and everything! (Love you Jeff!)

I’m really homesick. Some days more than others. Today, I’m really homesick. I got a call from my 6 year old nephew. The first thing that comes out of his mouth when I answer the phone is, "Where have you been!?"

I’ve explained to him a few times that I moved. He seemed to have understood. But now that he hasn’t seen me in over a month, I think he’s beginning to get it…and not understand. He kept telling me why I couldn’t just go over there; If I wasn’t working at my old job anymore. It broke my heart.

And what about my writing? Ha! Ask me again next month. I suck, plain and simple.

I finished the second story of The Cotton Candy Girls series Halloween night. Then I had 1 hour to brainstorm for NaNoWriMo. My first day was good. Then I blew it. Today is the 20^th and I’ve only written about 6k words. NaNo has officially kicked my ass. And it doesn’t help that the new expansion pack for The Sim 3 came out Tuesday. I bought it the same day it came out. I’ve barely slept.

Though last night I didn’t sleep for a different reason. What that reason is…I’m not quite sure I can explain.

I got this really strong feeling that I needed to write, but I couldn’t. My head is clogged up with too many ideas and I can’t pull a single thing out. It’s kind of like when you’re switching radio stations really fast, you hear all kinds of songs, and in the back of your mind you even recognize some of them, but you can’t actually pinpoint the particular song. You just know you know it. And if you try to go back, you can’t find the song because a) you don’t know exactly what station it’s on. Or b) the song is already over.

Did that make sense? Anyone? Anyone at all?

3. Last night (November 29th), I finally received a response from Sapphire Blue Publishing (drum roll). They said I wrote very well. They liked the premise of the story and the characters. I do have some issues, however. Some mechanical stuff, passive voice, the dreaded show, don’t tell comment! And apparently I have a sub-plot but not a plot (oops). So I have to fix that.

They said that they would like me to resubmit it after I’ve revised it.

That’s good, right!? LOL.

I can’t even begin to tell you guys how I feel!!! It’s all a little surreal at this point. Like it’s a dream I’m going to wake up from. When I checked my inbox last night, I had to do a double-take because my mind wouldn’t compute what it read when it saw the sender information. I was so terrified to open it! I almost called Lisa so she could verbally slap me out of it.

Every hour or so, there’s a small window where the surreal feeling goes away and all these other emotions come out. Most of it is shock, happiness, and the urge to cry.

My dream is so close I can taste it. I can graze it with my fingertips. I had not expected to be this close so soon. It’s a bit daunting.

I kind of wanna go hide under the covers. :P

Now I have to go back and find me some external conflict. Hmm, this ought to be fun. LOL. Actually, it is! Reminds me of when I used to take AP English in high school. The whole thing is frustrating, and I’m gonna want to pull my hair out…but I love it! I love taking my baby and helping it mature into an adult.

Oh god, there’s that urge to cry, again.

And that's what you've missed. I'm currently revising my story, I'm about half way done. I would have been done by now but I had a really bad cold last week. Spent my time working and sleeping.

I got my first job evaluation. 91.4% :D I worked Thanksgiving and I was trained on 2 new accounts. Also, my supervisor wants me to train for Customer Service. This is good. The more stuff I do, the more useful I am, and the more they'll keep me around. YAY!!!

Till next time! Hopefully, it wont be 2 months from now.

Update: Life & Writing

Howdy!

I hope everyone is doing good. Give me a few seconds to gather my thoughts...

For starters, I've relocated. As of last week I'm no longer residing in Connecticut. I was having a lot of issues at work and with my landlords, so I've moved to Pennsylvania with my mother.

Lack of independence is brutal. But she offered me a place to stay. To relax, work on my writing, and I took it.

I'll be starting the job search real soon. Wish me luck!

I've spent the last week trying to put things in order in my new- smaller -bedroom. I'm homesick. And I'm really nervous about starting a new life in a new state. I've lived in CT for 17 years. Everything was familiar. Now when I look out the window and see the buildings, I don't know what I'm looking at.

You know that feeling of claustrophobia?

You know that feeling one gets when they sit and think about the universe; how we're just a speck living in a speck that's located in a speck of billions of specks?

Combine those two and that's exactly how I'm feeling.

Hopefully with time it'll pass. Hopefully. In the meantime, I'm going to be out of touch. I have no internet. Right now, I'm at the public library. Which thankfully isn't that far from where I live. (Thanks Lisa for looking into it.)

I can't tell you guys how much I miss the internet! It's my life. Sad, I know.

**Momentarily distracted by a cute white boy**

I've also spent the week talking to my friends back home. I miss them so much. But I don't cry anymore, yay! (Yeah, I know, I'm a wimp. Got a problem with that?)

I've also been texting Lisa. She's the only familiar thing I got left. She's probably tired of me. Hehe. Sorry, Lisa.

Lisa wants me to finish my story by next week. I told her I would. WHAT THE HECK DID I SAY THAT FOR!? I'm gonna try. I hope I do. I really want to start brainstorming for NaNoWriMo. Ideas have been bubbling to the surface and I keep pushing them back. I know once I open that door, there will be no stopping the ideas from consuming me. They're kinda like Pringles: Once you pop the fun don't stop! So while the ideas are trying to come out, I'm keeping them away best I can. I want to focus as much as I can on Ashley's story before I go get excited on new ideas.

Still waiting to hear from SBP. It'll be exactly 2 months in 2 days. I don't think they liked it. Oh well. I wont think about that yet. I'll worry about finishing this story and NaNo, then I'll figure out what to do next.

That's all that I've got to report on. Till next time!

Writing Progress/Meter

This was a hard and surprisingly productive week for me.

Halfway through a sex scene, I realized I couldn't go on. Not because I was having difficulty writing it, but because it felt wrong. This wasn't supposed to happen, so I had to go back and delete about 5 pages (and by delete I mean cut and paste into a new document called "Alternate Scenes," hehe)

But that hurt! It hurt so bad! You know that feeling when you have to rip a band-aid off really quick? Well like that, but instead of ripping a band-aid you're ripping skin. (Too graphic?) I was sad, angry, and frustrated. I wanted to cry, pull my hair, hurt someone, and I sat down and questioned why it is I want to be a writer. Every time I opened my journal to write, the fact that I lost 5 pages would come back and mess with my head. I was scared to write. What if I wrote another 5 pages and it didn't fit either. It was stressful and scary.

But slowly I began to write. I spent the week writing at work in my journal, and when I got home I still wrote on it. I refused to type it up because I didn't want to obsess over my word count, which is something I do when I'm writing on the laptop. And I got most of my original word count back (I'm about 200 words away). Not only that, but these 5 new pages move the story along much quicker, and I think I'm actually going to finish this story sooner than expected. And it's going to be shorter, too, by at least 5000 words.

So I'm still going at it. Slow, at least for me it feels slow. But I am making progress, even if it feels like I'm not a lot of the time.

Dream Kiss

What comes before or after does not matter.

I was with my roommate and I spotted him. I didn't want to seem obvious, that I like him, so I didn't approach him. But I couldn't keep my eyes from landing on him over and over. I ignored everything my roommate was saying, I was too focused admiring him.

Our eyes met and my heart skipped a beat. My feet began to move on their own, an enormous smile coming across my face. He was sitting at a water fountain, his smile led me to believe he was as happy to me as I was to see him. I sat down next to him - too close, but we both didn't seem to mind.

I don't recall what we talked about, all I know is that all of a sudden he threw his arms around me in a hug. It was nice, I like hugging him. He didn't let go right away, instead he kept talking - in my ear. He told me he missed me, and I moved my head back so I could see him - our faces a few inches from eachother - I looked into his brown eyes and I knew he was going to kiss me. But I didn't think he liked me the way I liked him, so I thought he was going to kiss my cheek, which is why, when he slowly leaned in, I turned my head, giving him my cheek.

I'm not gonna lie, it was the sweetest kiss my cheek had ever received. He left his mouth there longer than he needed to, and for some reason, this innocent kiss made me blush, my head drooping down slightly. Maybe because I could feel something in the air between us, and it felt like desire. As he slowly pulled away from my cheek I began to turn my head, facing him once more. He stopped, our lips so close to one another that I wanted to weep. And when I looked into his eyes once more, I saw the same emotion reflected in his eyes, a split second before I felt his hand tighten on my shoulder and saw him close the distance between our mouths.

It was a soft kiss, experimental. In my mind, I couldn't believe that he was kissing me, and I think he was as surprised as I was. The kiss last 2 seconds, I felt him slowly retreating, not sure of how he ended there or how I was going to react. I could feel his restrain, passion bubbling at the surface. I wanted that passion. So as he pulled away, I lightly bit down into his lower lip, slightly pulling him back, and then I let go. That was all it took. He brought back his mouth to mines, this time pressed more firmly against me, and pulled me even closer to him.

The kiss was passionate, full of hunger and desire. Everything faded away except for this man and this kiss. Every inch of my body tingled, and I felt like I was up in the sky lounging on a big, white, fluffy cloud. When our lips parted and he looked at me with a mixture of shock, astonishment, and desire, I felt so complete. Like I finally found that small part of me that was missing.

Now THAT'S a kiss! Damn! Can't stress it enough how badly I'm crushing on this individual. And now it has me wondering if that's how he really kisses.

Morning From Hell/Diary Of a Mad Moonie

I hit the snooze button too many times this morning. I didn't get out of bed till ten after six.

It's established, I'm running late.

I'm usually frantic when I get up late. Always running around like a chicken with my head cut off. It's no different this morning.

I must admit, before I go on, that I still got on the computer and checked my Hotmail, Myspace, and Twitter. If I hadn't, then I might have gotten back on schedule. But not checking those things in the morning is like not brushing your teeth.

I should probably also add that the reason I was so tired was cuz I was up late on Twitter. LOL! But that's not important.

Because I was so tired, and because the weatherman said it was going to be hot and humid, I decided there was no way in hell I was going to wear jeans! I already wore my Capris twice this week, it was the only pair I owned (I don't know what happened to the other ones) and they needed to be washed. So I decided to wear pajama pants to work, cuz it's not like I wear them to bed! LOL. I run to the living room to check my reflection in the full length mirror, and my roommate is in the bathroom, she just woke up.

(I still haven't brushed my hair...) Ashely starts talking to me from the toilet about how tired she is and why. I pause briefly but when I realize she's turning her explanation- that I didn't even ask for - into a monologue, I cut her off with an "ah huh" and keep it moving to the bedroom.

It's 6:50 a.m., I'm putting junk into my purse, trying to make sure I don't forget anything. I still haven't called my ride (which I usually do at quarter of) when I hear my roommate on the other side of my door. An exasperated sigh wooshes from my lips. I so don't have time for this.

I pull the door open. "What?" "Does this shirt make me look pregnant?" (I KNOW! I could have slugged her, thought about it too.) "Ashley I don't have time for this!!!" "But I thought you said you were going in your pajama pants?" "So!? Doesn't mean I'm read! I should have been out the door five minutes ago." I close the door on her face as she's saying, "Oh, my bad then."

I brush my hair and call my ride at 6:53. Then I grab my purse, keys, and laundry bag (I need my Capri pants washed, might as well wash a few other things) and head out the door; completely forgetting that Ashley had interrupted me and I hadn't finish putting things into my purse.

No book or money for coffee (which I usually don't drink but was in serious need for today).

I finally get to work, my step-dad gives me money for breakfast (thank you!) and I get a sandwich and an ice coffee from DD.

Before I even touch my ice coffee I put my clothes in the washing machine, but before I can even get the washer door closed, this lady (a regular) asks where the carts are. I point her in the direction of the carts - the same place they've always been - and go in search of detergent for my clothes.

I don't even have enough time to put the Tide n my machines, the same lady now needs a cup for her quarters. I go to the back and get a new bag of cups. When I come out, she doesn't want the cup anymore...

I made her take it anyway - in a nice way of course- made me stop what I was doing to fetch you a cup, you gonna use a cup!

Another regular walks in. There are now three costumers in the entire laundromat. That's not alot. For some reason, he decides to use the machine next to mine. It irked me a little bit. It's like having someone sit next to you in the movie theater when you're the only two people there. But whatever...

I finally get my clothes washing and head to the office to eat my (cold) sandwich and drink my (rapidly melting) ice coffee.

Two bites and three sips later, Mr. I'm gonna use the machine next to yours and move your cart out the way when there's an empty laundromat full of empty machines available comes up to my window and in a hissy-fit tone, demands I tell him why there isn't any hot water running. (Um, how the hell am I supposed to know? Do I look like I work for the water company?) I tell him - what has been told to me - that because we just opened and he's one of the first people to use the machines, the pipes might still be cold.

Apparently that's not the answer he was looking for. Mr. High and Mighty tells me it shouldn't matter, the water should still come out hot and blah blah blah blah blah. All I heard was noise after that point, he wouldn't even let me speak. Finally, I just grabbed the phone while he was still rambling and called my step-dad. While the phone is ringing, he finishes his rant and asks "Do you get what I'm saying?" "Not really," I tell him.

I probably shouldn't have, because he just went back to explaining it to me. (I really need to work on my lying, this honesty thing just isn't cutting it anymore.)

I can usually keep it together, but dammit I'm tired, it's early and I've only had three sips of my coffee; I'm on edge. "You can explain it to the manager." He still keeps rambling. "I'm calling the manager now! You can tell him!" Now I have my bitch face on (you just can't hold a sunny disposition for long around these people. Then they wonder why I never smile). He walks away.

My dad answers the phone, I explain the situation. He says to tell the guy that that's how our machines work and if he doesn't like it he can go someplace else. (He's pretty fed up with this nonsense too. We both need vacations).

I look out the window, searching for my jerky costumer. I spot him rambling about our lack of hot water to another costumer.

You know what? I'm not chasing after him. Let him come to me and then I'll tell him what Frank said. (He never did come back)

All this happened before 7:30. Why are you people bothering me so freaking early? Go to sleep! You're the reason why I got to wake up so damn early. If it weren't for you, we probably wouldn't open till nine. Hell, even maybe ten! That's why they're so cranky. It's why I'm so cranky.

How come we can't be like Mexico and have siesta time? I need to write a letter to the president. Cuz that's why Mexicans are so laid back. Well, that and tequila.

*I also dropped my mp3 player while I was trying to write this. Usually in my pocket, I was holding it cuz my pajama pants don't have pockets.

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10:30 a.m.

It's rather busy now. I'm in the office hanging out, just finished sweeping.

A costumer asks for change for a twenty. She wants a ten and two fives (FYI I hate it when they tell me what they want. We are not a bank, I will give you what we have. Hehe, the coffee might have woken me up but it didn't bring back my sunny disposition). I give her two fives and ten singles - the last of my change - Five seconds later she slams the singles on the counter in front of me and demands I give her the quarters because the machine isn't taking the bills. I ask her if she was putting it in the right way and she says "yes" even before I finish asking.

She's got this bitch attitude...ghetto bitch...but she does not know who she is talking to. Anybody can do ghetto bitch, I tackle ghetto bitches with my special brand of condescending bitch.

I give her the condescending bitch look - small smirk, raised eyebrow - and say, "We'll just see about that." I saunter (yes, saunter) over to her and grab one of the bills, put in the machine and giver her a triumphant smile as the machine spits the quarters out. Then - without a word - I saunted back to my office.

Bitch, please. I've been working here almost three years, do you think I don't know when a bitch is being lazy and just doesn't want to put the bills in one at a time?

You see? I have it in me. You just have to push me over the edge, and it just happens that today the edge was extremely close to the surface.

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11:24 a.m.

Oh no! He just walked in. "He" is a regular who whenever sees me reading, writing or on the laptop, asks me if I'm bored. I always tell him no (obviously, right?) but every ten minutes he'll ask me if I'm "bored yet".

Why do people think I'm bored cuz I'm reading or writing? Damn, is it that hard for you to fathom that some of us enjoy the written word?

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11:34 a.m.

He hasn't asked me if I'm bored, yet. But he did spill detergent all over my floor. *sigh* At least he informed me of it.

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11:38 a.m.

Ok, who the hell was eating Lucky Charms and spilled them all on my floor?

"Magically delicious." Ha! If they were so magical, they'd clean themselves up!

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11:45 a.m.

Holy shitake mushrooms! Luis Torrez just walked in!

I haven't seen him since he quit RCA freshman year of high school. We were friends (and by friends I mean I used to make him do my bidding and he was very araid of me) in middle school. And I look like carp. *sigh*

I hate letting people from my past see me look so bummy. Makes me feel like I'm a failure and haven't accomplished anything. (I know it's not true though Not looking for reassurance of my self worth.)

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12 Noon

My brother stopped by to pick Bully up. He's not here though. He just invited me to his house for a cookout tomorrow. I lied and told him I already had plans (hope he doesn't read this, oops. But I doubt he takes the time). Sorry Rich, but I'm not going over there to play babysitter. I aint' dumb.

Then him and Mary - his baby momma that no one likes - tell me I was "buggin" the other day. Apparently they read my myspace mood about my characters talking to me.

They laughed in my face and told me I needed to see a psychiatrist.

Why does everyone in my family think I'm nuts?

Obviously none of them have a creative bone in their body.

I gave them the condescending bitch look. I don't even bother to explain my nutty way to my family anymore. It's a waste of time and it makes me look nuttier...I don't like that word, nuttier, can I say crunchier instead?

(Yeah, now you guys think I'm as nutty as they thin I am)

I wonder if Dr. Seuss ever got this kind of grief?

I mean, cat in the hat, green eggs and ham?

Who eats green eggs?

I ate a green hamburger once - totally by accident - and I was sick to my stomach for hours afterwards. Never did eat lunch at my high school cafeteria again.

(You remember that incident, Aly? Remember your expired yogurt? Remember I told you to check the date? You should always listen to me. Oh! And remember the lunch lady's hair in your sandwich? Good think you opened it to put mayo or you would have had cold turkey surprise).

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1:17 p.m

Frank just asked me to work tomorrow morning. I said no. I feel bad, but I need to learn to say no because I always get stuck doing things I don't want to cuz I'm too nice.

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1:20 p.m.

He's trying to guilt me into it. Too bad for him he picked the wrong day. I have sympathy for no one!

That Dance You Do

That Dance You Do

What is this dance you do?
You like to lead until I follow
Then you make me lead
And when I do you break away
Only to come back during a new song
Where you ask me to dance once more.

What is this dance you do?
So aggressive at first
Until I show the same aggression
Then you one-two-step away
Two left feet you suddenly get.

You're constantly dancing the line.
Back and forth you go
A bipolar jig of your own

Never willing to partner up
You like to dance as long as it isn't closeup
Personal.
Intimate.
Never a tango of the bodies will you pursue
With me
Or anyone else.

R.I.P

Today I’m going to do something I almost never do. I’m going to talk about my dad.

Many people don’t even know he’s dead. But he is.

His name was Raul and he died June 30th, 1992; I was 6 years old.

I don’t know what’s harder, what hurts more; having your dad die so early on in life, or having him around for years and then losing him. I’d imagine the pain is the same, the only thing that changes are the circumstances and the way we remember him and grieve.

I was a daddy’s girl. I loved spending time with him when I was little and I have so many vivid memories of the two of us.

I look a lot like him. And a lot of things I do I got from him.

I love horror movies and I have to watch them at night with all the lights in the house turned off. I get that from my dad. Every Saturday when I was little me and him would stay up till all hours of the night watching Chucky, Jason, Pinhead, Freddy Krueger and many more. It was our bonding time because my mom scares easily and hated watching those movies. He would try to scare me but I never fell for it, and he liked that I was so brave.

I love to read, as you all know. I get that from my dad too. Except that where I read romance novels, he used to read UFO books, lol. He strongly believed in aliens and flying saucers, and I guess that little part of me that believes in them too I get from him as well.

Sometimes when I laugh or smile I bite down on my tongue. I wasn’t aware I did this until a few years back when my mom commented on it. My dad used to do that. And though my mother’s comment was filled with disgust when she informed me of my habit, I took it as a good thing. Now, everytime I catch myself doing it I think of my dad and it makes me smile even more.

I also have this weird quirk with food, besides me being really picky that is. (LOL) If I’m eating a meal and there’s something that I especially like, I’ll eat around it. I’ll eat everything in my plate and save the thing for last. My dad did that too. My mom used to cook us yellow rice with little Vienna sausages inside (the Carmela brand because it’s the only brand I eat) and we used to eat all the rice and leave the pieces of Vienna sausages till the end. I still do that, with almost everything I eat. It’s the reason why I peel the skin off of friend chicken, lol. I love chicken skin. HAHA, what a fat thing to say!

I’m guessing my love for carnivals also comes from him in a way. He used to always take me to the carnival (just the two of us) and he’d get me a Piña Colada and cotton candy. I remember that everytime we went to the carnival we would save the Ferris wheel for last. We’d get on it together and when the cage stopped at the top he would start rocking the cage back and forth. Now mind you, this was the late 80’s and early 90’s those cages creaked and groaned for any little reason, and my dad was a big man (I also get my fatness from him, hehe) I would tell him to stop, that he was going to break the Ferris wheel. He would just rock harder and then I’d start crying and beg him to stop, I used to say he was going to kill us. Yes, even back then I was dramatic, people. He would finally stop and laugh his head off, and my crying would turn to laughter, and I’d laugh right along with him. He would say to me that he would never let anything happen to me because I was his little girl.

Oh, I remember he used to freak me out on purpose! It was so funny. When my mom fried fish, my dad (who loved food and ate anything) would pop the fish eyes in his mouth and call me, and when I went up to him he would stick out his tongue with the two little fish eyes on them--a la Bettlejuice--and I would scream. He’d laugh and eat the fish eyes…yuck! I used to tell him, “You’re gross, daddy.” He would laugh and assure me fish eyes were good.

His favorite thing to eat was morcillas, blood sausages stuffed with rice and spices. I’ve never liked them, still don’t. But whenever I see them or smell them I think of my dad because he used to love eating them. Everytime we went to a place where they sold pernil (roasted pork shoulder) I would get pernil with cuerito (the crispy top) and he would get his morcillas.

I remember sitting on his lap Saturday mornings while he sat on my grandma’s rocking chair, and we would do La 7 semejanzas on the newspaper. We had to spot the 7 differences in the two pictures that were almost identical. My dad’s was the only lap I ever sat on to this day. Unless you count me laying on Michael Junko’s lap during our duet in Oliver…which I don’t.

You see, I have so many wonderful memories of my father, it’s kind of weird that he was only around for the first 6 years of my life because sometimes it feels longer.

But other times…it feels like he was only around for the first 6 years of my life. It hurts.

Just like I have good memories, I also have bad ones.

You see, my father was a drug dealer, he owned every hot spot in Bayamon. He started selling the drugs, but ended up using them too. He even got my mom into drugs. One of my earliest memories as a child is watching my parents snorting drugs in the bathroom. They didn’t bother closing the door because I was 3 and they figured I wouldn’t remember.

I remember when I was 4 or 5, coming home with my parents and finding the place trashed. The glass door was shattered, my Atari was gone, and my parent’s mattress was on the floor. Apparently that’s where my dad kept all his money, under the mattress.

Slowly the drugs began to consume my dad. My mom, in one of the few instances where she stepped up and decided to be a mother, decided that wasn’t the type of life she wanted me to grow up in. She stopped using the drugs cold turkey and told my dad to do the same. But he wouldn’t, or couldn’t. Finally my mom told him to choose between his drugs and his family, and he chose the drugs.

My mother left him, and we moved in with her mother in Dorado.

My dad lost everything, first the house in Toa Alta, then the house in Bayamon. He moved back in with his mother and I spent alternate weekends there.

My father’s conditioned worsened. He could barely get up, much less play with me, but he still made an effort at first. We still had our Saturday night scary movie-thon and during the day he would take me on walks with him around the caserio, or projects as it’s called here. I was 6 and happy to walk with my dad hand in hand, so I didn’t realize that we were meeting up with his sellers and collecting money and drugs.

My mom began dating guys and staying out all night. And when my dad found out, he just shrugged and told me it was just a phase. That she would come back to him and the three of us would be a family again.

But then my mom met Angel and she stopped seeing everyone else. She introduced me to him and Angel introduced us to his daughters and son. He was a great guy, I really liked him. I even rode on the back of his motorcycle, just the two of us.

My dad knew he was different and he got even worse than I thought was possible. I barely saw him anymore when I spent the weekends at my grandma’s. He would crawl into bed with me in the middle of the night, and that’s how I would know that he had been home at all.

I remember my last conversation with him. He was crying, something I had never seen my dad do. He told me that he knew my mom loved Angel. And that now he knew that all hope was lost. She would never return to him. He told me that he couldn’t live without her and that he should just kill himself because he rather be dead than live without my mom.

I cried, pleaded with him to stop talking that way. He told me he had nothing left to live for. And I asked him, “What about me? I love you, you can’t leave me.” “But I can’t live without her,” he said, “Don’t come next weekend. Stay home.” I hugged him. Held tight, and begged him not to do it, not to leave me. He hugged me back and kissed me atop my head.

I knew, when my mother turned the light on in our bedroom in the middle of the night, tears running down her face, that he was dead. She sat down next to me and said, “There’s something I have to tell you.” I looked at her and said, “He’s dead, isn’t he?” My mom’s eyes bugged out, she was shocked that I knew. She nodded her head and said yes.

I didn’t cry. I just looked at her for another moment, and laid back down, turning my back on her.

We had the wake in my grandma’s living room. I spent the evening outside on a table they had set up for the kids. Me and my cousins talked and played and laughed. But eventually people left, and those that remained fell asleep. I found myself outside, alone.

I walked inside, glanced at the few people asleep on the couch and some even in chairs. I grabbed a chair for myself, because I was too little and I couldn’t reach the casket. I climbed up and there was my dad.

He looked like he was asleep, except that his lips were really white. I remember that.

And suddenly, all the anger that I had inside--because I was angry, angry at him for doing something so stupid and for leaving me; it all left when I saw him. And I cried. I stroked his cheek and I asked him why, and I told him I loved him and that he shouldn’t have left me. And then I kissed him on the cheek and said goodbye. And I got off the chair, put it back, and sat on the couch next to my mom who was sleeping, and laid my head on her arm and fell asleep.

After that everything is blurry, most of it blacked-out. I remember getting woken up in the morning, then I remember sitting on someone’s lap (either my cousin or my aunt) on our way to the cemetery and then I remember sitting on their lap again after the ceremony was over. (I guess you can strike that comment I made earlier about my dad and Michael Junko’s lap ). I don’t even remember getting out of the car.

It’s been 17 years. It’s been so long, but it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like it just happened. Maybe because I have so many unresolved issues. Each year I mourn and though the pain in my heart is as intense as it has always been, I always mourn him in different ways.

Some years I’m angry at him because he left me when I needed him. Because he was a coward who took the easy way out.

Other years I mourn, not only his loss, but also the loss of all the things we missed out on. He never taught me to ride a bike, he never saw me graduate, never saw any of my performances, never read any of my school essays or any of my short stories. He never got to meet my first boyfriend, or threaten him with bodily harm if he touched me inappropriately. (I hear he was very over protective of me and he would have done those things).

And other years--like the first few years after his death--I blame myself. I feel as if I failed as a daughter, because I wasn’t important enough to make him stay. Long before my mother started telling me that the reason he killed himself was to get away from me, I already felt that way. Because he had fought so long to get me, his only daughter, in a family full of boys. Why then, would he throw it all away? Maybe he was disappointed with the end result. I know my mother is.

But no matter how I end up mourning him. I always miss him. I always wish he hadn’t left, that I could have had more time with him.

He wasn’t perfect, but he was my daddy and I loved him. I looked up to him. And it breaks my heart everytime I think about him, knowing he’s not around and hasn’t been around for 17 years.

I love you, daddy.



These are the only two pictures of him I have.


This was taken when he was young, before he met my mom. He used to be a boxer.




And this is how I remember him looking. That's my mom holding me, and yes that's a cigarette in her other hand.




And this (I guess) is the song I sort of dedicate to him. Everytime I hear it, I think of my life in Puerto Rico and of my dad. I can never hear this song without crying.

Minor Writing Update

Wrote this at work earlier today:

Just finished chapter six. I’m kind of intrigued. I mentioned that I wanted the girls to go B.O.B shopping together, but it looks like it’s not going to happen.

I’m not as disappointed as I thought I was going to be because I solved a big problem that I had instead.

I was having problems with my conflict, the problem being it was almost non-existent. LOL

I had a reason as to why Emma was going out of her comfort zone and trying Jan’s lifestyle but then once she met Brock, it looked as if the conflict was gone. But it’s back, hehe, sorry Brock, but I don’t want to make this conquest that easy for you.

I guess that scene I was writing that I was bored with paid off in the end. And now Emma got herself stuck in a possible double (fuck) date with Jan. How am I gonna get this girl out of that without compromising her virtue or without making her look like a chicken?

I’m having so much fun figuring this story out! I hope those who read it in the future will have as much fun reading it as I’m having writing it.

Anastasia

I know, I'm random.

This is what goes on in my brain and how I easily segway into different things.

For those who don't follow me on Twitter, I posted a twit about going to write and how it was late at night but it was ok because I do my best writing "in the dark of the night".

Well that phrase was awfully familiar and then it hit me! In the dark of the night is a song from Anastasia (which contrary to popular belief is NOT a Disney movie). It's one of my favorite animated films.

I haven't seen the movie or heard the songs in years.

I suddenly had the urge to watch the movie. Too bad I don't own it, or the soundtrack.

Anyway, I blipped a few of the songs and I was listening to them and thinking of the movie and of the story. It's a great story.

The movie is loosely based on the urban legend that Anastasia, youngest daughter of the last monarch of imperial Russia, survived the execution of her family.

This is what I know (which isn't much, lol) and correct me if I'm wrong: The reason for the urban legend is that when they took the family to execute, everyone was present, including Anastasia. But after everything was said and done, Anastasia's body was nowhere to be found. So it was believed that she escaped. And I think one of her siblings was said to have escaped too.

False reports of survival began to appear and women were saying they were the long lost Anastasia. I don't know her name, but I heard about one woman in particular that assured everyone she really was Anastasia and that she had faked her death and then escaped with help from a servant that saw she was still breathing. She had a legal battle for recognition which she never won but she never admitted to her lie. She died in her 80's and up until her death she still told people she was Anastasia.

Back in the 90's the grave site of the family was discovered with 9 bodies instead of the expected 11, giving more credence to the myth.

I read a report last year that said that the two missing family members were found. From what I remember of the article, a bunch of amateur archeologists found bone fragments close to the main burial site. They had re-read reports of the execution that said that two of the bodies were separated from the rest of the family and buried elsewhere.

DNA testing showed that the bones belonged to a young boy of around 13 and a girl age 16-18 which could either have been Anastasia or her sister. Either way, that's 11 out of 11. Anastasia never escaped, she was dead all along.

It's sad. It was a really romantic idea. A great urban legend.

Sorry, like I said, totally random. I'm like that. Randomly inquisitive. Don't get me started on the Lochness monster!

Dr. Phil Kind of Day

I’m writing this at work. It’s dead quiet and I should be writing (and I did a little bit), but I’m having a therapy-type day. For those who don’t know, I’m messed up. I have so many issues and so many freaking demons and they’re all wrapped up and intertwined with eachother. It’s a hassle to say the least.

So usually when I’m having a tough time overcoming something I stop and take an analyzing journey into my messed up psyche. It usually takes 2 hours of digging to come up with the answer.

Todays dilemma: I realized that there are times when I really want to write but I’ll procrastinate on purpose. Not because I’m stuck or I’m bored, but because even though I want to write….I don’t.

Why?

Because I don’t want to finish my story.

WHY!?

Because I don’t want to have to let anybody read it.

…why?

BECAUSE I’M PARALYZED WITH FEAR!!!

Let me explain (the abridged non 2 hour version). My mom took care of giving me all these complexes. I have no self esteem, no self worth to speak of. Any dreams that I had before, she tainted (that includes my dreams of being an actress). And even though I’ve grown as a person, I just have a hard time believing in myself and my abilities.

Of all the dreams that I had, writing is the only one I have left, and it was the most important one, because I saw myself being a writer.

I know I’m good, I wouldn’t have won a writing contest in the 3rd grade if I wasn’t. My 5th and 6th grade teacher wouldn’t have read my essays out loud in class every week, and my English professor at college wouldn’t have locked me in her office for over an hour until I agreed to change my major from Sociology to English.

But what if I’m not good enough? Writing school essays and short little stories for my amusement are one thing, but writing stories for publication is another thing altogether.

I don’t want to fail at the only dream I have left.

I don’t want my mother to have been right when she said I was worthless and I wouldn’t amount to anything.

I don’t want to be one of those people that wake up and go to work and pay bills and that’s it. They’ll die and not had left a mark in the world.

I want to leave a mark, it doesn’t matter how big or small. I just want one person, just one person to have read one of my stories and acknowledged my existence. That my story helped them escape their life or that it helped them relax one summer. I would always be in that one persons life, no matter how many years it’s been, or that they forgot almost all the details about my story. They’ll remember that one day they read a nice story and enjoyed themselves, and they would smile. And I put that smile on their face.

If I fail, what will I do? What will there be left for me?
That’s why I’ve deleted and torn up all of the short stories I’ve ever written. Why I’m taking so long to finish this story. Because as long as I don’t submit anything, I’ll still have my dream. I can work towards that dream and never fail, because I’m not really moving forward.

It’s called self sabotage. :P LOL.

But now that I know what I’m doing I can fix it. I’m still scared shitless of failing, but I’ll still do what I have to do.

If you don’t try, you may not lose anything, but you won’t gain anything either.

Shameless Promoting

I don't know if I've mentioned this here (recently) but I have another blog on blogger, it's a book review blog. I try to read/review a book every other week, but I usually do it sooner...and sometimes it takes me longer.

I enlisted help from the "ex wife" (lol inside joke) and she reviews books there as well. That way I don't have to worry about putting a new review out there as much and can concentrate on other things...such as writing...and playing Sims 3. :D

Why am I mentioning this now? The last two reviews are of The Vampire Diaries and if you guys don't know already, I'm a big fan of L.J. Smith. So I want everyone everywhere to read how awesome her books are! ;-)

Book Universe <---Click to view!

Has Anyone Read The Vampire Diaries???

I'm in some serious need of a discussion!

Damon V.S Stefan

Anyone...anyone at all, that has read this series. I need to discuss.

Who do you like best?
Who do you want Elena to choose?
What about Damon and Bonnie?
Or Bonnie and Matt?

I'M DYING HERE!!!

I need to start a book club!

Didn't I say I was going to write?

Well this wasn't what I had in mind when I said it.

For some reason, I have no problem rambling on my blog(s) but whenever I try to work on my story I get a headache.

I don't think I'm forcing myself. I really have this feeling of needing to work on my story, my characters are all in my head and I see the scene I'm in currently playing in my head over and over and over again. But when I actually pull up the document and place my hands on the keyboard, I get the awful headache!

What is that supposed to mean? If I don't write I feel restless and if I try I get pain. What should I do?

V-Log

Oops I forgot to post this here. LOL.

Accidental Thinking

Tonight a friend of mine needed an ear. And me being Chachi, well of course I was that ear. I'm a listener, it's what I do.

She asked me how to be happy. And I laughed. Loudly. No one has ever asked me that question before. I'm always the depressed one, though not the type of depressed individual that brings people down. That whole "misery loves company" thing...well I do enjoy company when I'm miserable but I don't want the company to be miserable too! I usually fake a smile till I can get to my room or go in a corner with my mp3 and assure everyone I'm ok but in need of some me time.

I began to point that out to her, but she interrupted me and said, "But you are happy."

And...I am.

My life isn't perfect, but I appreciate all the little things. And this is what I told her:

I said that I don't know how to be happy, that it just kinda happened. It's been about a month now since I woke up in a really good mood, and I'm still happy.

I told her that certain things and certain people that were important to me were bad for me. And I had been trying to fix these things and these people, but it was just making me miserable. So I let them go, even though it hurt, because it was going to hurt a lot more and a lot longer if I kept them around.

Certain relationships were gone and nothing I could do would bring them back. I could not force what once was I just had to come to terms with what they are now. I hadn't realized that there were a few of those relationships in my life.

But now that I let them go, I can breathe easier. One less burden.

Then there's my writing. Well if you saw my V-log you know I haven't working on it this week because of my Sims. But I am working on it, slowly as it may be. I have something I want to do and I'm not letting anyone tell me I can't do it. I'll do it in my own way in my own pace. And that makes me happy.

Also, I've acquired some interesting relationships. And talking to these people just make me happy. Why? What is it about these people that is so special from others? I don't really know. All I know is that whenever I talk to Rick or Lisa (Yes Ms. Paranoid this means you) everything just brightens for me. I always end up with a huge grin on my face no matter what was said. I dunno, maybe it's because I feel special. HAHA!

These are the things that make me happy. These people and my choice to just let things go and let change happen. I'm who I am. I'm shy, I'm introverted, I'm always at home, always on the computer. And you know what? I don't care anymore if someone has a problem with it. Let me live my life as I choose. I'm happy where I'm at. I'm not saying I can't be happier, because I can. I'm lonely and horny, lol. But I'm not gonna worry about that either. I'm just going to do what I like to do, and once in a while, with the right friend, I'll do something out of my comfort zone and it'll be fun.

I'm happy.

I'm chill.

Be happy for me. And embrace me as the person I am because I embrace all of you for the person you are.

Let There Be Sims!!!

I've been super excited about The Sims 3 release, but Lisa just got me even MORE excited because she had not heard of it yet (Yeah, you were definitely living under a rock).

I heard about TS3 almost 2 years ago and all I knew about it was that it was going to be better and with more features and that it was going to come out 2009. 2009 felt like an eternity! Then, around the beginning of fall 2008 I found out the release date. February 20th 2009! It didn't seem like that long of a wait, I was super excited. I decided that I needed a new laptop because my Dell was a few years old, and I had originally bought it for College and it didn't have the gaming capacities that it needed for Sims 2 (so slooooow) much less Sims 3.

So I bought a Sony Vaio during Cyber Monday Sale, so I'd be ready for Feb. when TS3 came out.

The weekend before TS3 was supposed to come out, I was bouncing off the walls. And I decided to go to their site because I hadn't been there in about a month and I wanted to check up on some more spoilers, hehe. And, something told me to check the date, because certain things get pushed back and others get released earlier. What if they released it earlier and I wasn't aware of it?

WELL! My heart broke. Shattered into a billion pieces. TS3 was pushed back to June 2nd!!! I wanted to die! I hurried my ass and got money together to buy that laptop just so I could have it for February when Sims came out and now I have to wait till June 2nd?!?

Bull!!!

But finally, THIS TUESDAY is the release. And I'm even more excited now that I was then. So many new videos came out and now I know what I'm missing and I can't freaking wait! I wish there was a Midnight release party near me because I would have gotten it then. As it is, I have to spend the beginning of Tuesday at work, waiting. I'm not very patient and it's going to kill me. I wont get to go to Best Buy till after 3 p.m.

By that time about a million people probably will have bought it, installed it, created their own sims, built them a home, had them whoo hoo, have kids, and their kids are having kids...and I'll STILL be at work waiting to buy it.

LOOK AT ALL THE COOL STUFF WE GET TO DO NOW!!!

Go ahead and laugh!

I think I’m a rather funny person. Not on purpose, I just do and say funny things. This is a recent development, since I’m more comfortable in my own skin and I don’t take things as serious as I once did.

This is what transpired between me and my roomie last night.

It was almost 10 p.m. We were watching the end of Charm School and Ashley was talking my ear off, as she tends to do when she misses me and hasn’t spent time with me in days.

At some point she stopped talking about important stuff and was just making small talk, so I kiiiinda tuned her out some. (Hey I was talking to Rick on AIM, I was very amused…)

A commercial for Drag Me To Hell comes on T.V. Rick messages me and Lisa texts me all at the same time. Sorry Ash, but you’re getting ignored, I can only do so much multi tasking.

Ashley says, “I saw the theatrical trailers for this. She gets cursed cuz she wouldn’t give an old lady a loan.”

My brain which was occupied with Rick and Lisa takes the information and rewires it. This is what I heard:

“I saw the theatrical trailer for this. She gets cursed cuz she wouldn’t leave an old lady alone.”

Well hell THAT got my attention!

I was riveted now.

“Wait, hold up!” I stopped typing and looked at Ashley, my eyes bugging out. “This chick is going to hell cuz she wouldn’t leave an old lady alone!? What the hell!?”

Insert Ashley laughing her ass off at me.

“No, that’s not what I said--”

“Shit, remind me to leave old people alone. Sabes que, she tells me to leave her alone and I’m walking out the room.”

Is this as funny to you guys as it was to us? Cuz lemme tell you, we were laughing kinda hard. And I told her if it’s Rick or Lisa I’m talking to she needs to realize I wont be paying attention to her unless she’s talking about penises. And even then, it better be a big penis, it would help if she were waving said penis in my face too…

But that’s enough of that. Just thought I’d share. I was laughing a lot last night between Rick, Charm School (“I’m not ghetto, I’m just passionate.” & “I’m not quitting Charm School, I’m dropping out.”<---sounds the same to me) and Blog Talk Radio with the Sapphire Blue ladies.

It reminded me that I love to laugh.

V to the Log

Moonie's Ramblings...in the dark edition

Impromptu lil Shopping Spree

I spent almost $100 today! Yikes! I didn't meant to...

I wanted to go to Borders to get the new L.J. Smith book that I talked about the other nights, and the new Real Vampires series book because I still haven't bought it. (Last time I went to Waldenbooks they didn't have it).

So the plan was, 2 books, in and out, the end. Well on the way there, I remembered that I still hadn't bought Dead If I Do by Tate Hallaway and the new Victoria Laurie book from one of her series (that I looove). So it turned into 4 books...but then while I was looking for Real Vampires Don't Diet I saw Angie Fox's new book. I totally spaced out and forgot that already came out! So I HAD to buy it...right!?

Well I ended up buying all those books except for Real Vampires...the Milford Borders didn't have it...ok so I check their computer and it shows that the Fairfield store has it, so I'm going there next! I spent $50 in the first Borders...

Then my roomie needed to stop at Victoria's Secret for a bra...(DAMN) on the way there we detoured to another store and OMG they had the cutest freaking faeries on crescent moons!!! Figurines in all colors and sizes...I wanted them ALL!!!! Especially this purple one with crescent moons on her outfit and sitting in this cute ball (paper weight maybe?). Ashley and Jeff grabbed me dragged me out of the store! With NOTHING! :'(

So finally we arrive at Vickies. We were there for a while. I remembered that Ashley had a fragrance from them that I really liked so I asked her which one it was so I could buy it for myself. She finds it for me, but on the way there we spot some lip gloss!

Well let me tell you, three different color lip gloss, we both try one out, and OMG it was cute, it felt good, and it tasted freaking AWESOME! (Insert Jeff attacking my mouth in the middle of Vickies to taste the lip gloss....) so we HAD to freaking buy it!!! The most freaking expensive lip gloss I've EVER bought. $15!!!! I've never even bought regular lipstick for that much.

Ok so, I got the gloss and the perfume, we're in line...the roomie spots another perfume and she starts smelling them, and my nosy self sees a cute purple bottle, so I head over there. OMG that freaking purple bottle smelled sooooooooooooooooooo good. It's like freaking PERFECT for me! So I bought it too. :D Purchase came out to $40.

A stop at Best Buy (where I didn't buy anything, but went next door to Target to buy a Hot Dog and an Icee cuz I could smell the Hot Dogs from Best Buy, hehe) We finally get to the Borders in Fairfield...and they don't freaking have the book! Even though their computer says they have it. The lady went and checked everywhere and couldn't find it. When I get my hands on the person who stole it, or shelved it in the wrong place, I'm going to wring their neck(s)! So no book...and THEN I saw a new Rachel Gibson book!!!! I LOVE her, I have almost EVERY book she's written. And that evil roommate of mine dragged me away from the book and didn't let me buy it. :'(

Made it home 10 minutes before Gossip Girl started tonight...whew. What a day.

In honor of my awesomely expensive lip gloss...


lip gloss

Viva!

So guess what I've decided to do?

I've decided to join Lisa on her Vegas trip!

WHAT!?

Yeah, I know. Kooky aint it? I've always wanted to go to Vegas and she invited me, and in an unlikely Jen fashion, I accepted. :P

It'll be mucho fun! I get to see Lisa and hang out with her. I'll get a much needed vacation (haven't had once since I started working at the Laundromat almost 3 years ago), and maybe I'll even get some writing done!

No constant interruptions! No clingy rommie, no attention seeking whore of a cat. Whoo hoo!

I think I'll be V-logging everyday while I'm there, keep you guys in the loop of our adventures and the crazy shenanigans Lisa will get me into. :P

So now I need mula! Save save save, store my money like squirrels store away nuts.

I need money for the airplane tickets, no biggie I'll probably purchase them next week or the week after that (which reminds me, I gotta ask Lisa the specific dates and stuff...) I also need money to spend. Food, slots (hehe), whatever else strikes my fancy...I can be quite fanciful at times. Oh and I need to buy some clothes before I go there.

Which reminds me: I should probably attempt to lose some weight, shouldn't I? Well if I must...LOL! My ass will never go to the gym (again), I'm too self-conscious. Why is it that the gym is always full of skinny people? You're already skinny, why are you still running on that treadmill like Freddy Krueger is chasing you? You never see an unfit person. When I used to go I was always the only non-skinny individual. It was freaking embarrassing and nerve wracking. I thought that if I went with someone that I'd feel better...I probably shouldn't have gone with my old roommate, with her trail mix eating skinny self!

But anyway...I'm rambling...

Point is I'm not going to the gym. I'll pull out my DDR mat and play on work out mode. LOL. I'm serious about that!

Btw...DDR is Dance Dance Revolution for the non-gamers out there.

So I "gots" alot to do before August. But Im' determined! I wont even think about the fact that Nevada is all deserty and I'm sure there are lizards scurrying about. (I have a lizard phobia) But I wont think about it!!!

Maybe I should put a Vegas sign on my wall to keep me motivated...

This Night Just Keeps Getting Better

I know I said I was going to bed like almost an hour ago but I have to blog about this.

I don't even think I can go to sleep tonight! I'm too hyped up.

This has been one of the best nights of my life...and I guess some of you will think it's sad when you read WHY it's been such an awesome night. But you know what...I don't give a fuck! :D

I have friends out there that will get me and those are the ones I'm talking to in this blog.

Let's recap my awesome points of the night:

I watched one of the funniest, saddest, best episodes of Bones.

I saw and am anticipating the season finale of Bones (Bones and Booth NAKED in bed together...doesn't get better than that)

My friend Dylan came over. YAY, I love her.

I get to see her perform Saturday.

I read and reviewed (http://bookverse.blogspot.com) an amazing book called Remembering Ashby by Heather Long.

*Drum roll*

The following events lead to the pinnacle of the night.

Because Lisa Pietsch introduced me to Heather Long and her book, I befriended Heather on myspace...

And you would not believe who one of her top friends is!

LISA JANE SMITH!!! OMG!!!

L.J. Smith is the person responsible for my book addiction. The reason why I read and review books! I used to read in class and participated in Battle of the Books, and even read ahead in reading class...but I never thought to read outside of school...

Until The Forbidden Game Trilogy by L.J. Smith.

The summer after 7th grade...me and my two best friends at the time, the Anna twins, were at my house bored out of our minds! Well it so happens that Anna Maria had a book she just took out of the library and so we decided, what the heck! Let's read it out loud to eachother, its something to do.

I went first...I was only supposed to read the first chapter but they liked the way I read and I was digging the book so I just kept doing...

An hour later I was halfway done with the book and hadn't even noticed I had read for so long. I begged Anna M. to let me borrow the book overnight. And the rest, is history.

After I read the first part of The Forbidden Game I went to the library and got the other two. Then I moved on to The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle, and Dark Visions. From that moment on I've been reading, I've never stopped. And it's all because of her.

Then she kinda just fell off the face of the earth, no one knew anything from her since like 1998. I even remember once a while back googling her and not coming up with anything. And TONIGHT I stumbled across her and I was shocked and amazed...

And then I went to her site. And you will not believe what I just found!!!

The Vampire Diaries: The Return!!!

OH MY GOD! NEW STUFF! NEW OLD STUFF!!! WHAT CAN BE BETTER THAN THAT!?!?

So I am beyond giddy! I can't sleep, I don't know what to do with myself. I am so excited! I wish there was a 24hour Borders around so I could go buy the book! And I'm so thankful that I'm the book geek I am and that a few years back I saw The Vampire Diaries at Borders and bought them. So I have the 4 books. So I can re-read them (because it's been years since I've re-read any of her stuff) and then read the NEW one!!!!

And that's why I'm on top of the world right now.

Bones Talk!!!

Stewie from Family Guy was in Bones tonight and it was as funny as I thought it was going to be! Hilarious watching David Boreanaz argue with the lil cartoon baby.

The whole baby talk was hilariously giddy! I loved the beginning when Booth and Brennan are in Sweets' office and are playing the word association game. Everytime Booth said "Whoa" she said "Horse"!!!

I love the ending, I cried like the last 5-10 minutes. And omg, Booth looked so cute, vulnerable, and so sad in his hospital gown. I just wanted to hold him against my bosom and comfort him! (God I love David Boreanaz...)

I laughed! I cried! Boyyyy did I cry!!!

I can't believe the season finale is next week and boyyyyy what a finale it's going to be!!! So many things going on...

Everyone is a murder suspect. Zack comes back for the episode (yay) and is also a suspect. And Booth and Brennan are in bed NAKED!!!!!!!

THEY'RE GONNA DOOOOOOOOOO IT!!!!!

OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THAT I WISH THE WEEKEND WAS ALREADY OVER...I NEED IT TO BE THURSDAY ALREADY!!!

Even though I don't know what I'll do while Bones is off the air...guess watch the DVDs and watch this season on the Fox site.

OH MY GOD TONIGHT'S EPISODE BETTER BE UP SOON BECAUSE I WANNA WATCH IT AGAIN!!!

This is worse than when I saw the Christmas episode where they kissed under the mistletoe.

V-Log on Monday...

Don't mind my appearance, I know I look horrible.

Here's the link I mention for Lisa's blog entry.

All the noise in the background is the cat's doing...and it's the reason why I keep looking around the kitchen..HAHA. Swear I'm not on drugs!!!


Moonie's Rambling Musings...LOL

Last Nights Dream

I was at a get together of some sort, hosted by the mafia. In a crowded room I locked eyes with a stranger. It was love at first sight. He had the kindest eyes, the way he looked into my own eyes gave me a warm feeling in my heart. I wanted to approach him, to talk to him, but the head of the mafia chose that moment to come up to me. He told me the get together was in my honor, that he wanted me to work for him.

I of course said no, I’m a good person, I would never work for the mafia. He obviously didn’t like that answer.

SCENE CHANGE:

I’m in the dark. Underground somewhere, and I can’t see anything. I’m digging through rocks and cardboard and junk, trying to get to my guy, who turns out to be an undercover cop whose cover had been blown. The head of the mafia buried him alive to teach both of us a lesson, and I was trying to dig him up. But it was hard, because I couldn’t see anything, and I didn’t know exactly where it was that he was buried. He knew I was there trying to save him, he kept talking to me, trying to reassure me that it was ok, not to feel guilty when I didn’t find him. He knew he was going to die. I refused to give up, even though time was running out and he was running out of oxygen. He then says to me, “It’s a good thing I like you as much as I do. Knowing your voice is the last I’m going to hear makes it alright.” Then he stops talking. I keep furiously digging through debris, a voice in my head (that isn’t my own) tells me to stop trying, he’s already dead, I’m too late. But I refuse to stop, I move stuff faster, my hands are beyond numb at this point. I keep going till finally I come across the end of all the junk, and wrapped in wallpaper is the guy. Unconscious, but alive! I scream out, “I found him!” and I hand him over to two guys (where they came from, I do not know) and they tell me he’s alive and they’re taking him to the hospital.

V-Log With Special Guest, Selene.

Dumb Little Lady From Yesterday

Sheeee's baaaack!

If you watched my Vlog yesterday you may remember me mentioning a certain costumer and her tirade because someone stole her blanket. She said she was never coming back. Well guess who walked in this morning?

She wanted to know if she left any clothes in the machines when she left.

WTF!? Really? What a MORON.

Of course things escalated because she decided to call my co-worker arrogant out of the blue. We told her not to come back...EVER. She said she wasn't. Then she called us bitches...

Ok. I live in Bridgeport, and I can be ghetto. That did not fly with me or my co-worker. Thus the great shouting match began. A lil note: Puerto Ricans are louder than Dominicans. We "bitch" right back at her, my co-worker followed her out the store (she was still calling us bitches) and kept yelling back at her.

The funniest thing was, that we kept laughing at her, and she just kept getting angrier. HAHA.

We're bad.

Moonie's Madness...err....Moonie's Ramblings

I went over 10 minutes...it's more like 15. And boy what a mess it was! My voice was out of sync and I tried my best to fix it...I'm a techtard what can I say? But finally my Vlog is up after like 5 hours. LOL. ENJOY!

Whoo!!!

Hello my wonderful awesome readers! It is an awesome day, full of interesting moments for yours truly.

I had a breakthrough in my paranormal today! My characters didn't actually talk to me, it was more of random pieces of the puzzle beginning to form a picture. It was so random too! My laptop was still packed up, I was listening to my MP3 and Stay by Shakespeare's Sister came on. Now this song happens to be a very powerful song for this story, it's the song that I was listening to when the whole idea for this story formulated in my brain. I hadn't heard it since I stopped working on this story, and when it came on today it was like BAM!

Have you ever watched Charmed, when Phoebe gets a premonition....it was like THAT. I couldn't get my laptop out fast enough!!!

I get now why Jenny was so special, why she was the chosen one. It comes completely out of left field, never in a millions years did I think that was the reason. But I like where it's going. I also have a new twist on my villain and why they were drawn to Jenny in the first place.

Lisa Pietsch wrote a very insightful and spot-on blog today, and it was an awesome day to write it because it relates to the new twist in my story. Jenny and the villain are connected...I can't tell you, of course, how. But know that it's good and that it has to do with the past...a past life perhaps? I'll let you mull it over. Of course, this means I have to go back and add some stuff, but no worries. I figured I'd have to go back and flush anyways.

I don't know if I've told you guys, but some of the characters in this story are real. None of the paranormal stuff happened, but a lot of the feelings, and the relationships some of my characters have with eachother are real. And I realized today that the reason why I chose a certain person to be the main focus of my story and why she has had such a strong influence and pull over me and the person that I have become is because from the moment I first saw her, my soul reached out and greeted a long lost friend. GO READ LISA'S BLOG THIS WILL MAKE MORE SENSE!

The randomly weird thing is, now that all this stuff is coming together the feel of my story is changing slightly. I thought it was a single title...but there's so many things that I can do with Jenny once I "finish" that maybe....I don't know....we'll see. Anyway, I have a new playlist for this story and an opened document waiting for me so it's time I get back to work.

Video Blog 1

Confession

The late night brings upon forbidden thoughts
I cannot hide them in the moonlight
You were once my everything
I was once your angel
You praised my existence
And I always imagined myself with you
Forever.

The late night brings upon lost memories:
Your soft skin
Your sweet lips
Your brown eyes as they lost themselves in mine.

My heart aches for you tonight as I lay in the dark
Wishing I could turn the clocks back to a time where everything seemed harder
Because that's where I met you...
and lost you.

The late night brings upon a heart that aches,
My heart,
As I read old love notes long forgotten.

Under the light of the silver moon
I acknowledge to myself,
"Loosing you might have been the biggest regret of my life."

Is That Supposed To Be A Pick-Up Line?

I'm so tired of men coming into the store and telling me I 'have a nice shape'!

There's something about that phrase that irritates the fuck out of me.

We all know I'm insecure about my body, that I have no self-esteem to speak of. But I can deal with someone telling me I'm pretty, or beautiful, or that I look nice. Heck, I can even deal with (barely) them saying I look 'good'. But, I 'have a nice shape'? It makes me feel like they're saying I'm round and they like that I'm round.

Last time I checked, I wasn't a circle. Or a triangle. I thought I was a person.

Just saying.

Spot-on Fortuen Cookies

I just ate my fortune cookie, this is what my fortune said:

"Four basic premises of writing: clarity, brevity, simplicity, and humanity."

WEIRD!!!

Victorian Masquerade Ball

My main character, Emma, is going to a Victorian masquerade ball. It took me about an hour to figure out what dress she was going to wear. I had initially thought it was going to be purple, but after googling gowns for a while I found this:

The perfect gown for Emma. Then it was time to search for a mask:

Perfect.

Jan's gown (Emma's friend who's the one exposing her to the world of themed sex parties) was very easy to imagine, and I found an identical picture on google to go with my mental image:

Role-Playing

Ok, so I don't know if it's because I'm a dirty minded individual, or because I'm trying to write steamy sex scenes, or because I'm older and not as ashamed of what I like sexually...whatever the case may be, I've been thinking a lot about role-playing lately.

I love sex. I love to have it, to talk about, to read about it, to write about it. I love it. But I'm terribly shy. Outside of the bedroom, I'm very outspoken and if I want something I let it be known and then go get it. But in the bedroom, I clam up. I'm usually in the bottom ( I need to be on top more often because apparently a certain somebody really likes it lol) and I rarely say what it is I want. That's a problem for me, because I like being on all fours, I like getting spanked, I like having my hair pulled, I like rough sex and my partner isn't going to magically read my mind. I gotta tell him!

I love being submissive in bed and having all these things done to me, but sometimes I want to be in charge, and I can't bring myself to do it. As I've mentioned before, I'm working on a romantic erotic novel and I'm using my fantasies for material. So all the things that I've been really embarrassed to think about, let alone talk about, have been in the forefront of my mind.

I really wanna role-play! I want to be a sexy teacher and dress up, and punish my student and give him detention, Moonie style. (God how sick am I!?)

I want to use restraints and whipped cream and ice cream and ice.

I want more biting.

I want to loose myself completely to the act and not worry about me being too loud and my neighbors hearing me.

I want to put on La Tortura by Shakira or any trashy Britney Spears song and do a lil show and strip for my man. (Well I don't really have a man, but you know what I mean).

I just want to stop being so shy about it. I don't just want to take it anymore, I want to give it!

....yeah....those are my thoughts for today....

Fighting With Characters

If you have been looking at my progress meters, you have noticed that my Erotic Romance meter has been slowly rising. That's good, I guess. But it's also a little bit frustrating, and this is why: I have my paranormal romance that is just sitting there. I'm a bit over halfway done with it and I really want to finish it. But those characters stopped talking to me! It happened just about the time that the characters for the Erotica showed up. I've tried to conjure them up, call them, yell at them...something, but they aren't cooperating. It's frustrating, I want to finish it, but I don't know how it's gonna end! HAHA

Duncan, Jenny, Stephanie...if you can hear me...PLEASE COME BACK. I'll even settle for Meldorf or Samael. Just somebody come back and tell me what happens next!

Death By Dream

Earlier this afternoon I took a nap. I had a really strange dream: It was Sailor Moon related. I was one of the Sailor Scouts, it kept switching between Sailor Mars and Sailor Mercury. Anyway, we were being attacked by sprites. We would try to run away from them, but they kept fluttering by our legs and for some reason no matter how fast we ran, they managed to latch on. When they did that, I would get shocked, bad, and it would hurt a lot. We tried to use our powers against them, but we were outnumbered and Serena (Sailor Moon) was passed out on the floor.

This was the first time that I had EVER felt physical pain in a dream. I've never felt anything physical, it was always emotional. Even when I've had sexual dreams, my mind acknowledges that it's something good, and inside it feels good, but physically I wouldn't feel anything.

I've never believed that if you die in a dream you die in real life, but now that I had this dream...I'm not so sure anymore. I felt pain, and it was a lot of pain. What if I have a dream where I get shot, will I feel it as much as the real thing? Could I die in a dream and never wake up? I've had hundreds of dreams where I've died, but I always wake up right before it actually happens...what if one night I go all the way...and I die?

Small Progress

Yes I know, I’ve been a very bad blogger. And I do apologize. I’m trying the best I can but it’s a lil bit hard when you’re super depressed.

This week, however, I’m not as depressed. YAY. I caved, I’ll admit it. I called Darnell Wednesday night after 3 months. I don’t know why, maybe because I’m weak! Whatever the reason, there was a lot of talking (on his part), a lot of apologizing (also on his part) and a lot of crying (on my part, of course). I told him I didn’t know if I could be his friend because I love him so much, and it’s going to be hard having someone I love in front of me all the time and know I can’t have him.

Then Friday-because I’m weak, I tell ya!-I got roped into seeing his new apartment Saturday. I was very impressed. It’s in West Haven and it’s like a loft, sorta. The building used to be a school and they converted the classrooms into apartments. It’s awesome, I wish I lived in one of those apartments, they’re so me. Different. We spent Saturday afternoon together, then he dropped me off at my place early evening, only to end up going back to his place and spending the night. No, there was no hanky panky, I was a good girl! Well…there was kissing though…and I wasn’t SO good the next day…but I was a good girl that night! :P We talked some more, I did more talking this time. I also did more crying, but what can I say I’m an emotional being and my heart is broken, I get to cry. At the end of it all…I still don’t know where I am, and if I can be his friend without the hugging and kissing and other stuff. But at least my heart is better, for now.

This weekend I get to hang out with my guys! YAY! Who are my guys, you ask? Well, they’re CJ (a.k.a “my hubby”) and Rick (a.k.a Rick, lol or Sexy Rick when I want to embarrass him.) I met them online during NaNoWriMo. CJ is the ML for my county and Rick was a first year participant like me. We really hit it off, and we talk almost everyday online. We only got to meet up once during NaNo, and we’ve been trying to get together again. Finally, this Saturday is the day. :D I’m very excited, we shall do all kinds of crazy shenanigans.

Today I wrote a lil bit (besides this blog entry). So double YAYS. It’s a lil frustrating sometimes for me to write so slow. I wish I could write faster, but I haven’t been able to. I don’t know if it’s because it’s hard to write about love when you’re heart is broken or what. But hopefully I can get a lil bit more writing done now that I’m not constantly in my dark place. Cross your fingers please! So it’s small progress, but it’s still progress. I made it to 29,000. You know what that means: 1,000 more words and I’ll be at 30,000. WOW. No matter how much I bitch moan and complain, I’m still proud of my progress (though slow as it may be) because I’ve never written a story this long. I just need to keep my focus, and try not to obsess over it.

I have so much more to say, but this post is long enough. :D How was your weekend? Anything you wanna share? I’m here to listen.

Over already???

Where did the weekend go? Man I swear yesterday was Friday. I wanted to do some writing, more than 500 words, but that didn't happen. Yesterday after my scare (read the post before this one if you don't know what I'm talking about) my brain had turned to mush and I ended up not writing anything. Heck, I didn't even Sim this weekend! What the heck did I do!?

Oh well, that's the life of the working man...err...woman.

I would also like to apologize for my absence. I've been somewhat reclusive these last couple of weeks, thanks to the Darnell drama that ensued. Of course by the end of this last week I was feeling better (meaning I was able to suppress the pain to continue my life of numbing heartache--melodramatic, I know.) Then Thursday night when I was in bed my cell rang. I picked it up not bothering to see who it was, and who do you THINK it was? Of course, it was Darnell. He called to invite me to a "small party" he's throwing this upcoming weekend. Why does he torment me so!!!? I of course declined, but he did his damage. I spent the night crying my eyes out and spent most of my work day doing the same. Thankfully none of my costumers commented on the puffy eyes...or the tears running down my cheeks. But I'm "better" now.

Can't wait for Gossip Girl tomorrow, finally! And OMG did you guys see last week's episode of Bones!? SUPER AWESOME. And my baby, David Boreanaz directed it. BRAVO!!! And congrats on the baby news. I hope it's a girl this time. :)

Ok, that's it for tonight. Until next time, which will hopefully be tomorrow, hehe.

A Very Horrible Experience

It was a weird feeling. An emotion unlike I had ever experienced. My breathing ceased, my lungs did not care. My heart felt as though it stopped beating. Time stood still. I could not move, I dared not. Because if I did then what just happened really did happen, and it wasn't my imagination playing tricks on me, coming up with the worst possible thing it could think of.

Finally I began to move, slowly. I forced my lungs to take in some air as I needed to breath to be able to think. My limbs felt heavy, panic had gripped them. I forced them to move. I forced my panic back a bit, anything to think of a logical explanation. Anything to fix this problem...

I realized then that I had been mistaken. It was all a big, horrible mistake. THANK GOODNESS!!! My limbs slacked, they felt like jelly. I was super relieved.

What happened, exactly? Well I popped my flash drive into the laptop, tried to open my NaNo story and I couldn't find it! Not only that, I couldn't find the additional chapters I had saved there as well. Or the brainstorming for other stories. Everything was gone...or so I thought. Turns out I was looking at my MP3 player's folder (which is also plugged into my laptop). Of course there isn't going to be anything saved under doc. But I learned a very important thing out of this incident. How important, and how special my work is to me. I hadn't realized how much it meant to me until now. When I thought about the 25,000+ words that I had thought lost...I wanted to cry, just weep. I felt so useless, and indescribable really. There isn't a single word to describe how horrible I felt.