Darnell

Lisa's comment on my last post gave me pause. She's right, I'm being codependent. The sad thing is, I didn't even notice.

I've had this blog for a long time, and when I went to add Darnell's name to my labels, it auto completed. Of course I've written about him in the past! So I looked through my old posts and read every entry that mentioned him...and it broke my heart.

There wasn't a single entry where I shared a nice story about him. They were all about how mean he was, how horrible he treated me, ho much he made me cry.

The last (old) entry where I mentioned him was written a few days before I finally cute all ties with him. And here I am, 11 years later...

Am I back where I was?

He's not the same person he used to be - at least that's what I think. He doesn't say any of the awful things I wrote about in the past. He goes to therapy now (this therapist has told him he's codependent). But our relationship is just starting again and I'm already in some sort of inner turmoil. Will he eventually revert back to saying the things he used to say? Because it's not like he said them on day 1. I would never knowingly start a relationship with someone that was so mean to me. It was a gradual change.

Maybe it's happening already.

I just don't understand the hold he has over me. I've never been in another romantic relationship where I was codependent. But my relationships after Darnell have been so lackluster. I always felt like I was phoning it in. They always complained I wasn't as committed as they were. They complained about me being emotionally distant. I thought there was something wrong with me. I wanted love, but felt bothered by the men I was seeing.

And then Darnell showed up out of the blue after 10 years, and our conversations were intelligent, witty, passionate. We talked about things - politics, philosophical views, video games, anime, etc. It felt good. I no longer felt like a zombie - half alive, going through the motions. I flourished. I became more confidant in my day to day life.

Is it bad that I don't want to give that up?

I enjoy his company. I enjoy our conversations.

But Lisa, I have a question: Is it really being codependent if we're in a long-distance relationship? Because that's why I was switching my schedule around to match his - we don't see each other often, we live in different states. Our phone calls are all we really have. It wasn't my intention to be codependent. I was just trying to navigate through this long distance journey that is new to me.

Not matter how old I get, I still need your guidance, friend. :)

Whoo!!!

Hello my wonderful awesome readers! It is an awesome day, full of interesting moments for yours truly.

I had a breakthrough in my paranormal today! My characters didn't actually talk to me, it was more of random pieces of the puzzle beginning to form a picture. It was so random too! My laptop was still packed up, I was listening to my MP3 and Stay by Shakespeare's Sister came on. Now this song happens to be a very powerful song for this story, it's the song that I was listening to when the whole idea for this story formulated in my brain. I hadn't heard it since I stopped working on this story, and when it came on today it was like BAM!

Have you ever watched Charmed, when Phoebe gets a premonition....it was like THAT. I couldn't get my laptop out fast enough!!!

I get now why Jenny was so special, why she was the chosen one. It comes completely out of left field, never in a millions years did I think that was the reason. But I like where it's going. I also have a new twist on my villain and why they were drawn to Jenny in the first place.

Lisa Pietsch wrote a very insightful and spot-on blog today, and it was an awesome day to write it because it relates to the new twist in my story. Jenny and the villain are connected...I can't tell you, of course, how. But know that it's good and that it has to do with the past...a past life perhaps? I'll let you mull it over. Of course, this means I have to go back and add some stuff, but no worries. I figured I'd have to go back and flush anyways.

I don't know if I've told you guys, but some of the characters in this story are real. None of the paranormal stuff happened, but a lot of the feelings, and the relationships some of my characters have with eachother are real. And I realized today that the reason why I chose a certain person to be the main focus of my story and why she has had such a strong influence and pull over me and the person that I have become is because from the moment I first saw her, my soul reached out and greeted a long lost friend. GO READ LISA'S BLOG THIS WILL MAKE MORE SENSE!

The randomly weird thing is, now that all this stuff is coming together the feel of my story is changing slightly. I thought it was a single title...but there's so many things that I can do with Jenny once I "finish" that maybe....I don't know....we'll see. Anyway, I have a new playlist for this story and an opened document waiting for me so it's time I get back to work.