Work Work Work Work Work

I'm exhausted ya'll! I've been working a lot. Definitely the opposite of my desired position as Lady of Leisure.

Plus side, this week's check is gonna be nice. I have 23 hours of OT. 👯 I already have most of the paycheck planned, and I should have enough left over to maybe get my hair dyed. Finally getting around to it. I've been saying for over a year that I want my hair rose brown. I can't wait to get it done. I also can't wait to get rid of all these grays. Something I thought I'd never say. #hypocrite

Anyway, because of all the hours I've been working, I haven't had a chance to write. I wanted to try to get some writing in on Sunday morning, but there were technical difficulties with the printer at work and so I couldn't print my WIP out.

I need a break...LOL.

Semi-Productive Weekend

After working 9 days, I got 2 days off and it was wonderful! Though it went way too fast.

I decided a few weeks ago that I wanted to get back to writing, and I really wanted to continue working on one of my YA paranormals from a few years ago. Thing is, I'm super disorganized, and so I had the story I was writing, and character sheets, important plot points, etc. scattered all over from USB drives, to laptop files, to random notebooks. So this weekend I decided to find them all and put them in one spot - so I can then transfer them to my new Dabble account. I'm really looking forward to trying Dabble out. I'm hoping it'll help me get a little bit more organized.

Anywho, I was able to accomplish that small task. Even with Chilling Adventures of Sabrina dropping this weekend. Yay me!

I also did most of my laundry, and started working on my pen pal letters. I have at least 2 that need responding. And I would like to send one to Kandise soon as possible too. I also painted a new pin board, AND binge watched Sabrina. All in all, I think it was a good weekend.

Eternal Work

I was having a lovely month off work (yay for working for a college), but I was dreading coming back. I knew once I got back that the bullshit was gonna ensue. And I was right. Long story short, almost everyone that works front of house is broken - accidents, surgeries, re-injuries, etc. Since we are short staffed to begin with, this really puts us in a tight spot. Which is why I'm on day 8 of work. Thankfully though, I'm getting this Friday and Saturday off.

I wasn't sure if I would have a day off until today.

On the one hand, I'm super tired, and even though I just had a month off, I need another vacation. Haha. I hate working so many days. I'm lazy. My body gets tired. I don't have time or energy to do anything (like writing, which I'm trying to get back to).

On the other hand, the OT will be nice. I still need to pay off my cruise and pay for a passport. I'm going to Zenkaikon in March and would like some money to spend in the Artist Alley (I need piiiiins).

But I'm really glad to be getting those days off. Now lets see what happens next week. How many days will I work? Will I have a day off? Only time will tell!

Darnell

Lisa's comment on my last post gave me pause. She's right, I'm being codependent. The sad thing is, I didn't even notice.

I've had this blog for a long time, and when I went to add Darnell's name to my labels, it auto completed. Of course I've written about him in the past! So I looked through my old posts and read every entry that mentioned him...and it broke my heart.

There wasn't a single entry where I shared a nice story about him. They were all about how mean he was, how horrible he treated me, ho much he made me cry.

The last (old) entry where I mentioned him was written a few days before I finally cute all ties with him. And here I am, 11 years later...

Am I back where I was?

He's not the same person he used to be - at least that's what I think. He doesn't say any of the awful things I wrote about in the past. He goes to therapy now (this therapist has told him he's codependent). But our relationship is just starting again and I'm already in some sort of inner turmoil. Will he eventually revert back to saying the things he used to say? Because it's not like he said them on day 1. I would never knowingly start a relationship with someone that was so mean to me. It was a gradual change.

Maybe it's happening already.

I just don't understand the hold he has over me. I've never been in another romantic relationship where I was codependent. But my relationships after Darnell have been so lackluster. I always felt like I was phoning it in. They always complained I wasn't as committed as they were. They complained about me being emotionally distant. I thought there was something wrong with me. I wanted love, but felt bothered by the men I was seeing.

And then Darnell showed up out of the blue after 10 years, and our conversations were intelligent, witty, passionate. We talked about things - politics, philosophical views, video games, anime, etc. It felt good. I no longer felt like a zombie - half alive, going through the motions. I flourished. I became more confidant in my day to day life.

Is it bad that I don't want to give that up?

I enjoy his company. I enjoy our conversations.

But Lisa, I have a question: Is it really being codependent if we're in a long-distance relationship? Because that's why I was switching my schedule around to match his - we don't see each other often, we live in different states. Our phone calls are all we really have. It wasn't my intention to be codependent. I was just trying to navigate through this long distance journey that is new to me.

Not matter how old I get, I still need your guidance, friend. :)

Thinking and Dreaming and Thinking Some More

(Wrote this days ago while I was at work but never typed it up. Oops...)

My lovely dear friend, Lisa, read my last post and assigned me some homework: She told me to dream - to envision the life I wanted for myself instead of what I wanted to "do" for a living. So that's what I did. I thought about what I wanted out of life, unfortunately, since I don't play the lottery that often (and even if I did the chances of winning are microscopic) I can't become a lady of leisure. LOL

That being said, I want to have the freedom to go places whenever I want. I want to go to conventions a few times a year. Wake up and go to sleep whenever I want. Have the days off I want, and work as much or as little as I want.

Yeah, that sounds impossible - especially if I'm trying to keep a roof over my head, which I totally want. But maybe some of it can be done. If I worked for myself I might be able to at least set my own hours.

Speaking of, I saw Cynthia last weekend and I started folding origami pieces for my first 3d origami project. It's a lot of paper, and I'm slow, but with time I'm hoping to pick up speed. We'll see how it goes...

Finding Myself (again)

It seems as if every time I'm in search of answers, I find myself back here. It's been 3 years since my last post and I would love to say things have been great up until now, but the truth is my life is the same roller coaster ride that it has been since I first started this blog.

I find myself in yet another identity crisis. I swear, this happens like every other year. Usually I can either solve it fairly quickly, or I can shove it into the recesses of my mind for another year or two. This one is too big and loud for me to ignore though.

I'm feeling trapped in my life again. Especially at work. It's weird, because I don't necessarily hate my job. I get a lot of time off - perks of working at a college - but I don't want to work anymore. I want to work for myself. I want to set my own hours and be my own boss.

Problem is, I don't have any skills that translates into full-time, work from home opportunities. A couple of people brought up my writing, but I'm hella rusty. Not to mention even when I wasn't rusty, my self-loathing prevented me from going all the way through with self publishing. And from what I've seen, the publishing/self-publishing world is going bananas, so who knows how that works anymore.

My best friend Cynthia is super crafty and she does these awesome 3D origami things. She's done Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask for my birthday(s) and they are amazing! I've been telling her she should sell them, but she puts it off. Maybe if she can teach me to do them, we could do this together. I know she's also struggling with trying to find what she wants to do. She's currently working at a call center and she's sick of it. I think it would be fun for the both of us to try and do this. So this is something we're going to talk about this weekend. We'll see what happens...

In the meantime, I've decided to dust off this blog and use it to get my writing muscles back on track. SOMETHING in my life has to change, and I'm the only one that can change it, so let's start with this. :)

Lack of Sleep But Still a Good Day!

I think it's been about 2 weeks since I've had a decent night's sleep. I've napped, but I haven't slept a good 7 or 8 hours straight. It's beginning to take a toll me. For example, I've been trying to write a blog all day today. I couldn't come up with a topic, and I was sooo tired, I couldn't even form words in my head to type up. I'm officially mentally exhausted and it sucks, because I want to do so many things, and I can't!

On a better note, today was a very lovely day. I was surprised, because yesterday was rather nasty; wet, rainy, and at one point slushy. So to have this wonderful weather, and sun (even though I'm not a fan of the big star) was good. Especially since I went downtown today, and the thought of me getting my hair wet, made me kind of nervous. But no worries, because it all worked out.

Speaking of downtown...the reason I was downtown, was because I had a lunch date. Like a DATE date. Weird, I know! I don't date often. I'll go on first dates with a few guys, get discourage, quit, and not date again for at least a year. That's my routine, and I've been pretty consistent about it. :P But, this date was actually nice, and there is going to be a second one. *gasp* Finally, someone who understands the true definition of dating. I'm all about taking it slow, actually getting to know someone, not committing to a relationship with a near stranger; and the guys I've dated (and pretty much everyone nowadays) they're quick to attach a title and talk about weddings and kids. It's scary, people! What's the rush? Enough with instant gratification, and enough with being in love with the idea of being in love. Can we all just take it one step at a time, live in the moment, and smell the roses? Thank you. (Apparently, this has turned into a Public Service Announcement.)

Are We Friends?

Living in a different state than 98% of your friends is hard. Especially when that includes your best friends. You don't get to see them nearly as often as you would like. You can't just call out of the blue because you're bored and invite them over or just go over to their place. And when you're going through hard times and you want to be with them you can't because you're 3-6 hours away.

That really sucks.

What sucks even more though, is coming to the realization that maybe some of your friends don't care as much as you thought they did. I've been re-evaluating a lot of my friendships lately and it's left me hurt - to say the least. And I'm having a hard time with one relationship in particular.

I will not use any names, because this post isn't meant to insult anyone or put anyone on the spot. This is just a way to get my scattered thoughts down, and hopefully it helps me with what I'm feeling.

Anyway, this one particular friendship is a very complicated one. We have a bit of a messy history; I always thought that despite (or because of) our history we have become better and closer friends. Now that we have distance between us, and we haven't seen each other in a long time, I'm beginning to doubt our closeness.

This friend is almost never in contact with me. I always make contact with them first. The only times they make contact first (if it can even be called that) is when they like one of my Facebook statuses. When we do talk, it's through text. Now, I don't really have a problem with that because I hate talking on the phone...but I would once in a while like to hear their voice. Also, we don't talk about anything when we do text. It's like pulling teeth to try to get them to tell me what's going on in their life.

We made plans to see each other so we could catch up and talk. I really needed to talk to them, I was going through so much in my life and this was the person I was usually able to confide in 100%. Things beyond our control happened and we couldn't meet up. But we could have rescheduled, we had time, they had free time, and they didn't. They knew how badly I needed to see them and they didn't even bother to reschedule or at the very least call me so we could talk on the phone even if we couldn't see each other in person.

That really hurt. Even when I'm far away, I think about them; I make sure to periodically check in on them. I mail birthday and Christmas presents...I make an effort, and they don't. It made me feel so alone. Like our friendship was a sham. And then I started doubting our whole relationship.

What if they were friends with me to get to someone else? Because they had romantic feelings for one of my other friends who was always with me. What if our whole friendship was just a way for them to get to this other friend? They eventually ended up together...and they broke up...so I guess they don't need to keep up pretenses with me anymore and pretend that we're such good friends.

So that's what's been on my mind. Was our whole friendship a lie? Was it just a means to an end? Because it's starting to feel that way. Lately it feels like I've been betrayed by a lot of people in my life, and I'm tired of it. Too tired to even confront this person. Why bother? They'll just either lie about it or tell me that I'm right which won't change anything.

I'm just going to take a step back and see what happens. I'm not going to try to reach out. If they're really my friend they'll reach out to me eventually. If they're not...then I guess we won't be speaking to each other anymore.

Back To The Land Of The Living!

I'm back! Internet has been restored.

I've actually been back a few days, but was reveling in the world wide web. In other words, playing Wizards101 and catching up on my shows via online streaming.

So an update on the struggle that I had getting internet:

As I said (I think), my cat threw up on my dsl modem/router box and killed it. (Yay for super vomit!) This was on Thursday night. I didn't want to wait until Monday to call Verizon where they would waste my time going through troubleshooting crap that wasn't going to work just to make sure the box was truly dead, and then because I've had that box for a few years now, they would make me (over)pay for their current box which was most likely an old model anyway.

So I did a little bit of research - what kind of box I had, what kind of box I needed, what boxes supported Verizon, costs of boxes and what website had the best price. This took twice as long as it ordinarily would since I had to use my smartphone. In the end, I ended up buying one at Amazon which had really great reviews and the price was decent. More than I wanted to pay, but still decent. I signed up for a free trial of Amazon Prime to get 2 day service for free (hehe) and I was supposed to have received it on Sunday.

That's not exactly what happened though. First, I would like to say that I had no clue that the USPS did Sunday delivery for Amazon. Secondly, I was home all day, my doorbell did not ring once. Yet somehow, I missed the delivery and didn't realize until Monday when I saw the pink slip in the mailbox. I assumed they would come back on Monday seeing as it was the first attempt, but I still didn't get my package. I figured I had to call or fill out one of those re-delivery things, so I went on my smartphone and filled it out for re-delivery Tuesday.

Tuesday came, and I didn't get my order. Also checked the tracking information and it had updated; it said they left a slip on Sunday (which they did), and then 2 hours later left another slip (they did not) and then around 9 p.m. Sunday they delivered the package (BULLSHIT!). That's when I started calling. I called the 800 number on the back of the pink slip. I do not suggest that. It is a bitch trying to get the automated service to connect you to a live representative. "We'd be happy to connect you with a representative. But most issues can be resolved with our automated service. Let's go back a few questions and you can tell us what the issue is." After I finally got a real person and explained the issue, she told me to call my local post office. Makes sense, but which one? Thankfully she gave me a number.

Unfortunately, the number kept ringing and no one picked up. I found another number online (from my phone) and called it, and that number went straight to a voicemail that wasn't capable of taking messages for that particular number. Awesome.

Now it's Wednesday. 8 a.m. I call the number the 800 rep gave me. Let it ring for about 2 or 3 minutes, was taking the phone off my ear to hang up when someone picked up!!! I explained the situation and she took my information and told me she would call me back once she figured out where my package was. Bitch never called me back. In the afternoon I called again, and someone else answered (right away this time). I explained the situation AGAIN and that I had called this morning; the lady asked for my zip code and then cold transferred me to I don't know where.

All of a sudden I man answers the phone. I'm confused because I didn't even know I was being transferred. After the confusion wore off a tad I explained everything again. He did some clickity clicks on his computer and after a brief conversation with me told me it was taken care of and I should get it tomorrow. I thanked him and hung up, but I wasn't hopeful for the next day.

Come Thursday, I'm up early again, but am planning on calling my aunt to ask for a ride to the post office later in the afternoon if my order doesn't arrive. At 1:30 p.m. just as I was about to give up and call my aunt the doorbell rang. My package had arrived! FINA-FUCKING-LLY!!! Now came the hard part - figuring out how to set it up. That's what I had been dreading the entire time.

...was up and running in 5 minutes...and it only took that long because I had trouble opening the modem box to take it out. LOL.

So that is my journey. 1 week without internet. I never want to do it again!

Internet Junkie

My cat Selene threw up on my dsl modem/router and killed it. That was Thursday night. Two days have gone by and I'm about to jump out of a window! It's been such a long time that I hadn't realized just how badly I need the internet to survive. I've built my life around it. I play online, I socialize online, I research online, I shop online, I do everything online. Now that I'm without internet, I feel so lost. LOL. I spent a lot of today just walking aimlessly around the house with no actual destination. I should have been writing, but not having internet has really messed me up! At one point I was just standing in the middle of the kitchen for no reason. That's when I forced myself to go write - in a notebook, so I wouldn't have to stare at the computer screen and watch it silently taunt me about my lack of internet.

This blog was brought to you by my cell phone - because I felt so disconnected from the world, I needed to reach out. (Oy...)

My most memorable Halloween experience

It’s a little hard to pick just one. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday, but I didn’t get many chances to celebrate it how I wanted to. There are a few key moments throughout the years that stand out in my mind.

I love when trick or treating happens on the 31^st. it is so bizarre a concept that different towns celebrate Halloween on different days. It takes the magic away. As a child, even if I wasn’t allowed to go out, I would see the kids. As early as 4 o 5 p.m., you could see kids in their costumes running around. But the magic always happened later. The sun would set, and it would get dark. The wind would pick up just slightly, blowing the leaves on the ground, and the streets would be filled with monster, clowns, fairies, all sorts of things. The sounds of kids, their laughter, their footsteps as they ran down the street, the words ‘Trick or Treat’, all carried throughout the neighborhood by that chilly wind. It was a different world. I wanted to sadly to be part of it.

I remember one year, I convinced my mom to take me trick or treating. I was so excited! I got dressed up as a witch – all in black. I even put fake nails on. I was ready, but my mom said it was too early. Kids began to knock on our door. We had candy, so I opened the door and gave them candy. It was the first year we had people knock on our door. I was excited, but anxious to get out there myself. Finally, after bugging my mom for what felt like an eternity, she relented. As we were leaving the house, I began to realize that we hadn’t had a trick or treater at our door for a while; and when I looked up and down my block, not a single soul was in sight. Only the wind with the leaves. It was too late. My mom walked me up and down the block – I guess to say that I at least got to dress up and parade around in my outfit. Then we went back home.

In middle school, I was old enough to go out on my own. That year was a fun year. I was in the 7^th grade and me, and my friends Ana L, Ana M, and Steven went trick or treating. I don’t remember what I dressed up as. It was either a witch or a vampire. I remember I was excited though. Finally, I would be part of the magic. We headed out and knocked on a few doors, and got candy. We even went into a bar and got candy from them as well. We passed so many kids. I didn’t even care about the candy. I was just in awe of all the costumes. After a while, Steven told us that he had heard that the skating rink had free ice skating with free skate rentals on Halloween, so we all decided to walk to Wonderland of Ice and check it out. Once there, it was confirmed by the long line of kids, that they indeed had free ice skating. We managed to get ice skates and got on the ice. I’m not a good ice skater, I learned that night, but I still had a great time. We eventually left the skating rink and knocked on a couple of more houses. It was getting late and Halloween was almost over for that year.

As I said goodbye to my friends, we talked about the idea of having a party next year. That idea was wonderful and so, the following year a bunch of us got together and threw a party at Steven’s garage. We decorated the garage and put a tap in the front to cover the entrance. It kept the wind out, and gave it a spookier feeling. We lit candles, and even got a few couches in there. It looked great. Once we got the stereo pumping, the party began. We danced and talked, and even played truth or dare. In the middle of our game, I saw a shadow on the other side of the tarp. It looked like a man with a chainsaw. I tried to tell everyone but it was too late. A split second later, we heard a chainsaw go off and a man lifted the tarp and came at us. We all screamed. It was Steven’s dad, wanting to get in on the fun. That was the best prank ever!

But my favorite Halloween memory didn’t actually happen on October 31^st. My freshman year of college, my roommate and some hall-mates all decided to go to Trail of Terror. A section of woods that is closed off and turned into a huge haunted house sort of thing. You go through mazes, cabins full of bloody body parts. Hands come from the walls and grab you, zombies pop out of the dark. You meet witches, and giant tree people. The little girl from the ring even came out of the well! It was the most fantastic Halloween experience of my life. I don’t even know how long we were walking around for – 30 or 40 minutes. It was long, and spooky, and perfect. I honestly don’t know what was the best part – watching the little girl crawl out of the well, cackling back at a witch, getting turned around in a moving maze where our entire group got separated…I don’t know. All I know is, there hadn’t been another Halloween experience that I’ve enjoyed more than Trail of Terror.

Audiobooks

I'm a reader, I love to read my books because I can go at my own pace and I can read out loud and play with different inflections. I don't care for audiobooks, at least the (very) few that I've heard. They sound too robotic for my taste. But I hear audiobooks are quite popular, and not all books are narrated in the same robotic tone.

Last year I stumbled across a website, ACX, and it's for authors looking to turn their books into audiobooks and for narrators to audition for these books. It really intrigued me because I've always wanted to do voice-over work - how cool would it be if I were the voice of a cartoon!? - I thought that I could bring a more lively narration to audiobooks, if that's something an author was looking for, I would love to try to give it to them. I auditioned for a few books but never got a response. I wasn't surprised, I have no experience and my feeling weren't hurt or anything - that's part of the audition process. Well there was 1 audition that had been pending this whole time and the author emailed me yesterday and asked if I was still interested in working on her book. Um, heck yeah! So I said yes, lol. And hopefully we'll get all the details ironed out as far as what she's looking for in terms of narration and what the time frame is. And soon, I may have an audiobook narrated by yours truly. :-D

Look at that...2 days in a row!

Don't mind my random jumps in topics, I'm a little all over the place today.

I opened up a savings account today. It was super duper easy! I already have a checking account, so I just went to my bank's website and clicked here and there and TADA - savings account! Now that our bills are up to date, I can finally start saving up for a car. (YAY). I want it quick, and I want it cheap. Don't want to make outrageous car payments for like 2 years (*ahem* mother), and I also want a small compact cart. I'm going for a Beetle. Let the money saving begin!

***

I'm trying to get back to my roots (never thought I'd say something like that). I'll be honest, I have spent a lot of time distancing myself from my culture. Some things haven't been on purpose, but other things have. There are certain aspects that embarrassed me and I didn't want to be associated with where I came from. I lived in the US and I thought that if I acted like every one else, people wouldn't see me as Puerto Rican...in a way...It's a little hard to explain. I've never denied that I was Puerto Rican, and I love being able to speak Spanish, but aside from that, I didn't really want to be associated with anything else. I only listened to Spanish music at home, and I don't have much of an accent - even though when I learned to speak English I hadn't intentionally try to lose it, it just happened. I don't know why I thought we were below others, but that's what I thought; add that to the fact that I grew up in Connecticut and you've got one pretty Americanized Puerto Rican. But recently, I've been missing it. I miss the music, and the expressions, and the atmosphere of a Hispanic home. The funny thing is, I realized this probably because of my fascination with Japanese culture. Learning about their culture made me realize that I've neglected my own.

So I've been trying to speak Spanish more often, and I'm listening to a lot more Spanish music - because over the years the amount I listened to has dwindled, maybe I'll get back to watching Telenovelas. ;) I've also been thinking a lot about Hispanic cuisine - which I love. I'm tired of going to a store to get an alcapurria and not have it taste good. Or trying to find someone who knows someone who knows an old lady that makes pasteles only to buy some and not be crazy about them. I've decided that I need to learn how to make them. If I can learn how to make desserts and how to decorate a cake, I'm pretty sure I can learn how to make the Hispanic foods that I like. So I've got a (mental) list of the things I want to learn to make. First on the list, alcapurrias. It's getting warm out and I'm starting to crave those little suckers. I will be attempting to make them sometime in the next 2 weeks. I'm leaning more towards next week because I have book club this week and have to get ready for that, plus I'm trying to spend some time with aunt which I haven't done in months. I'll try to remember to post pics of my creation and tell you all how it went down.

***

A co-worker of mine got a tattoo this week and it's freaking gorgeous! It's a pile of books and the artist did just a beautiful job, the colors are phenomenal!!! It couldn't have come at a better time, because I've been looking at tattoo parlors to get my moon tattoo (finally) and I hadn't found a place or person that made me want to schedule and consultation with. But after seeing  her tat, I got the name of the place and person who did hers and I'm most definitely going to check it out. She also told me he does a lot of custom tattoos which is even more perfect because maybe I can finally get that Sailor Moon tattoo I've wanted since I was 12 years old but doesn't really exist. Heh. So I could be getting some new ink real soon!

Look Who Popped up!

As we all know, I lack discipline. That's why it's been 3 months since I'm updated this blog, even though one of my New Years resolutions was to write MORE.

But I'm not a complete and total failure! I have been doing very well reading and reviewing books. Book Universe (whose name may be changing soon) has been updated frequently; so I have been writing more...just not as much as I had planned. Plus talking about books I've read wasn't really what I had in mind when I said I needed to write more. I'm still very out of practice in my writing and I really want to tackle a new story, and also revisit The Cotton Candy Girls: Emma and do another edit. I feel mentally I'm ready, and I understand what this story needs more of (and no, it isn't sex).

So I'm going to try this one more time - writing regularly. Truth be told, there are a few times a week where I think of something and say to myself, "I need to blog this!" But I don't. Why? Because I'm lazy. No other excuse, really. I wish I had a desk at home where I could sit with my laptop, I would get a lot more done. When I'm in bed, I end up playing Sims 3 or SimCity. When I sit in my "pimp" chair, I end up playing Sims 3 or SimCity even more hardcore. Hehe. And when I sit on the couch, I end up playing with my PS3 or watching something. I need a desk! Or a dining room table at least. Somewhere I can sit and type away - like I'm doing now at work.

1st Blog of 2013

Hey hey hey people! Happy be-lated holidays and happy new year. I hope every one had a great time these last couple of weeks. Nothing eventful happened to me, so there is no need to recap the holidays for you. I guess, like everyone else, I have some resolutions for the new year. Let me share them with you:

1. Read more! Once upon a time, I would read on average 3 books a week. Now, I know I've grown and I've changed...and I know I've been scared because of my book addiction; but that is no reason to stop reading altogether! I have gotten pickier with my books too, but no matter. I plan on reading more. I may even re-open my book review blog, Book Universe. We'll see...

2. Write more! I miss writing. I'm not where I used to be, and I need motivation. I figure, if I enter little writing contests that will help with my skill and help me to get back into the swing of things. :) Anybody got any cool contests they want to tell me about? LOL.

3. Lose some weight. Yeah, doubt this one will happen, but I'll try. I'll say 10 pounds. Now the trick is going to keep the 10 pounds off. I usually have these 7 pounds that come and go every couple of weeks. So I want to lose the 7 plus 3 more and keep them off. It's not a lot and it won't make a difference, but seeing the numbers on the scale will make me feel better.

Those are my main resolutions for the year.

Now, moving on...this may sound rather self-centered of me, but I want a website. All about me! Blog entries, book reviews, pictures of me and things I bake. I don't know, just a Jen world. (Jen is my name, just in case you didn't know). I might look into free website places, and maybe I'll get one. I doubt it'll be exciting but I think it'll be neat and it's something to do. I'm much more active online than I am offline, so I figure I should make myself known online...again. I've fallen through the cracks these last few years. It's time to re-appear!

Anyway, that's it for now. Just my usual ramblings. :)

Nice or Foolish?

There's been something that's been bothering me for a while now. My mother. Of course there are many things about my mother that bother me, hehe. She seems to always be an issue in my life; but recently the issue has changed.

Before, I was always struggling with the emotional scars she left. I struggle with my confidence, with the need to be accepted and loved for who I am and not who she wanted me to be. I struggled with the resentment that I had; there were times where just looking at her filled me with such hate. Even now, she'll say things and they'll piss me off because she has a skewed version of the past. She constantly victimizes herself and blames her childhood and upbringing for the mistakes she made while raising me. A lot of it I feel is bullshit because the way she remembers things aren't usually how things went down. Whatever her reasons or motivations, I have learned not to hold on to the negative feelings. Yes, I still feel them, but I do not dwell on them. My mother and I are in a much better place.

That being said, she still annoys the hell out of me. We are still currently living together, and it's a nightmare. I miss the years that I lived on my own. We are just too different, and she is too pigheaded. She doesn't know how to compromise. It's irritating.

My mom is still young, she's only 47, but because of how hard she worked and how hard she abused her body (drugs, alcohol, constant beatings from her boyfriends) she's not in the best shape. Her English is bad, and she doesn't have the proper education - she never finished high school. It is getting harder and harder for her to find a decent job. Her attitude and mouth don't help either (damn pride). So now she's killing herself working and isn't making that much money.

The plan was for us to work so we could get ourselves situated financially. I had to leave school because I couldn't afford it, and we're like 4 months behind on rent. The landlord has been super kind with us, but unfortunately he needs to get paid. We have till the end of the year to come up with the money or he's going to have to do something. I'm working 40 hours a week, but my mom isn't. This last check she only got paid about $150, maybe. We have to make car payments or else they shut off the car and then we can't get to work. Our utilities are up to date now, but we're going to have to stop paying them to try to pay off the rent which is more important. After we get everything paid, I'm planning on moving out. My best friend Ashley is moving to PA from CT so we could be live together again how we used to. I know that with my paycheck alone I can do ok; and with Ashley living with me and us splitting the cost of everything, we'll be good.

But what about my mom? There is no way that she'll be able to pay rent, her car, utilities, etc. with what she's making a week. It's impossible! I don't want her to struggle. I don't want her to have to live in an efficiency room and share a bathroom with people...

I've told her that I would talk to Ashley about all 3 of us moving in together. We could find a 3 bedroom apartment. There are a lot that have 2 bedrooms in one floor and 1 single bedroom in a different floor. My mom can have the lone bedroom to give herself more privacy.

She doesn't like that idea at all. Because we're so different, and because I'm young; she doesn't want to get in the way or be a burden. And she doesn't want to feel burdened by us, like if we wanted to play loud music when she's trying to sleep.

I understand that, 100%. The idea of having to deal with my mom gives me a headache. We would argue about everything; how to decorate, what to cook, how to clean - we already do! But how can I leave her? How can I go home every night to my nice apartment and hang out with my friends and have fun and live my life, go to concerts or restaurants, or the casino...when my mom is struggling financially? When she's getting shut-off notices and has to pay for her medication...how can I leave her like that?

Yes, I can give her whatever money I have leftover after paying bills...but I can help her a lot more if we all lived together. We would all pay less money on bills if things were split 3 way, and we would all have more money leftover; so if she needed money, I would have a lot more to give her.

I can just imagine what Lisa would say about this if she read it - You need to make your own life, you can't help her forever, this is how she manipulates you...
But she's my mom. Whether I like it or not, she's my family. Maybe 5 years ago, I could have just left her to deal with her problems by herself. But not now, not anymore. She's changed, I've changed, our relationship has changed. Because I'm not holding on to my resentment and hatred of her, I can't purposely abandon her. I can't not care. The thought of what might happen to her sickens me. She has too much pride, and I know she would rather live in her car or go to a shelter than ask for my help. That's not what you do when you have a family, when you have kids. The only shot I have of convincing her is now, while we're still living together. Once I move out, she's going to hide things from me. She won't tell me just how bad she's doing until it's too late.

But like I said before, she refuses the idea. She won't even think about it. I'm not going to put my life on hold for her; Ashley is my family. Living with my best friend gave me that feeling of family that I've always looked for. I will not let anyone stand in the way of my family...but I can't abandon her. I can't choose one over the other.

I don't know what to do, or how to resolve this.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that

Where does the time go? Had not realized it's been this long since I blogged. Work has got me a little busy. I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not...I got a job. :) Well, I should probably back up a bit...the awful warehouse job I got...I quit...3 hours after my second day. It was horrible, I couldn't do it. I am not cut out for it.

Desperate, I turned to Craigslist for job postings and there I found a CSR position. I emailed them my resume and they called me the next day. Turns out it was for the call center where I used to work at. My old supervisor saw my resume go through and had the HR person contact me immediately. He set up an interview for me to go see my old supervisor and when I went in for my "interview" she caught me up on the things that had changed and handed me a list of the available shifts and told me to pick the one I wanted. She even adjusted it slightly for me. She then said that I didn't really need to submit a resume or interview...and that was that. So I spent half of last week and half of the week before re-training on Healthy Directions, and by the beginning of last week I was ready to go out on my own. Unfortunately my desk wasn't ready so I had to wait until Wed, but I got my desk and I'm all set. This week is my first full week on my schedule - 10 hour shifts, which sucks, especially since they start at 8 a.m and I am NOT a morning person. But, I only work 4 days a week and I have Tuesday-Thursday off, and I really like that.

Ok, enough about work, blah blah blah, I'm boring myself. On to more exciting stuff. I decided to dust off my old NaNoWriMo profile and participate this year. I was MIA the last two years, but this year, I'm all for it. Now I have to come up with a story idea in 9 days...let's see what happens! I'm excited, I've missed it. This is my link in case you want to follow along or add me; http://nanowrimo.org/en/participants/saturnmoonie.

Well that's it for tonight. Let's see where things go from here. Until next time...

Things MIGHT be looking up

Maybe.

I got a job. It's with the call center I used to work with; I hear things are "brutal" so I'm a little apprehensive about going back. Also I'll be doing 1st shift so I'm kind of dreading that, and they are 10 hour shifts. But you know what? I can't complain. I almost lost everything. This is a job and it pays ok. So I will suck it up and work. Besides, the days I'm really going to be working are Fridays and Mondays...Saturdays and Sundays won't be as busy which is why I chose them. ;)

Funny, I originally had no idea I was applying at my old job; I saw a CSR job post on craigslist and sent my resume and it turned out to be them. Since they were on my resume I guess they mentioned me to one of my former supervisors. She told them to call me ASAP and that she wanted to talk to me - even though she usually didn't do the interviews. Well here I am, nervous, and hoping since she knows me that the interview would go smoothly...and it turns out I wasn't really there for an interview. I already had the position! She wanted to briefly catch me up on some changes in the company and the client and she showed me the available shifts and told me to choose the one I wanted. She even tweaked it a bit for me. Then she said that when they gave her my name she said that they didn't even need to interview me that the job was mine. And that made me feel good. I like when people say I do a good job, and having this type of reaction feels very good. I only worked there for a little under 2 years and I've been way for over a year...for her to be that happy to give me a job really makes me smile. It makes me want to do a good job not only for myself and my economic situation but also for her, for having so much faith in me and my ability.

Are you serious...?

Just when I thought things were going to get worse...they got better. Never in a million years would I have thought that my mom was going to get a phone call at 5:30 pm on a Sunday from a job agency offering her a job. And never would I have thought that I would accompany her to the office to fill out paperwork, and I would end up filling out an application and get hired on the spot. So now we BOTH have jobs! It is so surreal, I still can't believe it.

I'm really excited because that means we don't have to move back to Connecticut (even though I was already looking forward to seeing my best friends), and I don't have to get rid of any of my books or my "pimp" chair; but I'm a little afraid. I don't want to get my hopes up, and then something happens and we lose this opportunity. I don't mean to be so negative, but this has happened twice with my mom this month alone. So for now, I'm cautiously happy, and very relieved.

Dusting off the spiderwebs

Wow! 8 months, that's how long I've been away. I was reading my 2 blog entries of this year...how I said it was going to be a bad year. Boy was I right! It's been a horrible year for me, I'm still trying to stay afloat but it's hard. I started school in February and I knew I was going to be too busy working and going to school to blog, and I was right. Then in August I had to withdraw from school due to financial reasons and that was pretty much the beginning of my world crumbling. I am currently unemployed and have been seeking employment for a while now to no avail. My mother is also unemployed and she hasn't had much luck in the job search field either. We're close to becoming homeless at this point. And there is a high possibility that if we don't find employment real soon we will be moving back to Connecticut.

I don't want to get into the details of how I feel about that - it's just too emotional. I just wanted to get reacquainted with this blog and with any readers that are still around. Now that I have the time, I plan on getting back to my blogging ways, so expect more blogs from yours truly. :)