Too much...too tired

A LOT has been going on...and I PROMISE I'll tell you guys about it...but not now :) I was over on Trish's blog (Writing, Reading and More, Oh My!: Celebrity look-alikes) and decided to steal something that she stole from someone else...haha....it's pretty cool.

Pretty boring

So I really don't have much to write about...cept that bitch of Alyssa (my ex best friend) looked at my myspace page again today...TWICE! Which pissed me off, and I sent her an email cursing her out, because obviously someone has to put her in her place, and I guess that someone is me. She honestly thinks she has a RIGHT to go to MY page, she needs to get over herself and find a damn hobby.

Anyways...incase you've missed it...I am OBSESSED w/ Bones...duh duh duh...and I posted a whole bunch of videos on my last blog, it was late so I didn't get to post as many as I wanted to..hehe...so I'm gonna post a couple more now...haha yes that IS the only reason why I came on. :D








Last weeks' episode...the BEST part




A whole bunch of clips from this week's episode...DAMN ANGELA!

Soooo tired

Yes I know, I'm a bad blogger chick..but I have an excuse I swear! I found an apartment that I fell in LOVE w/ and I moved out of my mom's house, so I didn't get cable or internet for a lil bit. And why??? Because Optimum is such a screwy service.
Anyways I don't really wanna get into those horrible details. I will say, me and my best friend Cassie moved in, it's nice, fun, interesting, overall I'm happy w/ the change.

On another note, this past week, I got an email from....*drum roll pleas*.....Jeff. What's that? You don't know who Jeff is...well let me remind you, Jeff would be my friend...the one that stood me up....the one I have a huge crush on. Yup you got it, that's the one. Well he randomly emails me saying 'Hey I'm back for like a month...so what's up?' And I'm over here like...huh? Back from where? And what kind of balls do you have to speak (write) in such a nonchalant tone?
So I said that to him...to some extent. I come to find out that he got tired of the daily commute from CT to NY (for school) and decided to stay w/ his siblings up in NY. He did not stay in touch w/ ANYBODY, not even his parents. He says he's really sorry...well what can I say? I can't stay mad at him I LIKE THE BOY...plus his birthday is tomorrow....awww.

Ok so again...being the moron I am....I'm spending my days and nights thinking of him. Especially the fact that I have my own place, my own room, and a nice queen sized bed :D Yup, I must admit my bed seems bigger, colder, and lonelier since he came back into the picture. I'm really at a loss for words. He's a great friend, and we get a long great, but he's not my type. So why do I like him so much?
Weird thing Cassie said to me....she said that when we were together we looked like we were TOGETHER...that was a lil unerving to tell you the truth...yet at the same time...well I kinda liked it. EEK! I'm so confused!

Oh well, lets move on to something else.....BONES! Did ANYBODY see yesterday's episode? It was AWESOME. First as a female that's head over heels in love w/ David Boreanaz (and only 20, so I still have that giddy teenege personality) Wow did he look YUMMY in those tighty whities...and lemme tell you, I've always been a fan of boxers, but I must say he changed my whole perspective. I don't know why but he looked better wearing that than when I got to see his naked booty in Buffy...you know when he came back from hell. But even though I was squealing and whatnot....after the WHOLE episode was over the ONLY thing that kept coming out of my mouth was 'Damn Angela' LOL...yup yup yup. That scene..not only was it well written, but the acting...omg, the responses they gave eachother, especially their eyes...I'm surprised I didn't burst into a million pieces, it was just one of those moments where ur saying OMG OMG OMG the whole time, while ur jaw keeps dropping lower and lower to the ground.

Well here are like a gazillion clips of Booth and Brennan stuff that I REALLY like...it's late so I can't post any more, lol...but I LOVE em all. :) Yes I know I'm obsessed

Wrote this down at work so I wouldn't forget (random thoughts)

I am truly a lazy person! Even with my writing (which is something I love to do) I'm lazy. I remember the comments my AP English teacher would leave on my papers my junior year of high school: 'You're such a good writer...but you're lazy on details. Stop being lazy and write them!'...Yup, that was Mrs. Schwartz for ya, never sugarcoated anything. She felt a special bond with that class, you see most of us (myself included) had her our freshman year for English. We were a very smart class, I know she liked that. I loved her very much, actually I've loved all of my English teachers :) even the temporary ones.

As I write this I find myself in awe yet again. It wasn't until recently that I realized how much I love to read and write, even now I'm not sure I truly know how much. It's been with me all my life, I've always done it, and I guess I've sort of taken it for granted.

I'm really hard on myself, really hard headed. I know that my lack of confidence has held me back tremendously, and I think I need to just take a leap of faith, and go for it! I would love to be a writer, I would love to get published, it's actually my new dream...my new goal in life. I would love to write romance, and young adult, and even a little poetry. My ultimate dream would be to get picked up by Harlequin, because I'm such a dork like that. But hey, it's a little bit more accessible than my old dream...Broadway.

I remember when my ultimate dream was to play Lucy in Jekyll & Hyde, and then I wanted to play Elphaba in Wicked. To tell you the truth, I would still love to do that last one. I'm such a fan of Idina Menzel. I usually sing something from Wicked or Rent when I'm in the shower :P But come on now...me? Broadway? Never! Oh sure I'm a great actress, that's the only thing in my life that I've owned up to, only thing I've felt confident of. I worked hard, I tore scenes apart, I built characters out of nothing. I'm a kick-ass actress :). My singing, well I think I'm an O.K singer, although I've had people compliment me left and right on my singing ability, I've still doubted myself. But I work hard, and I'm dedicated to singing so I can be good. Now this is where it gets tricky...dancing! I hate to dance, I have two left feet, and that's where I get screwed. I did take a dance class once, and I got the choreography faster than most people in the class. I also had a dance teacher come up to me and demand I take her African dance class...

Maybe I should have. Maybe if I stopped doubting myself long enough to actually try things...maybe if I wasn't so self conscience, or maybe if I wasn't such a coward, I could have been great! I sabotaged myself, and I have no one to blame but me. But not this time! I will not hold back, I'll write anything and everything, and I won't keep it locked in a journal. I'll show the whole world, I'll let them criticize me, and I'll learn, and grow as a writer! I mean, all my life, all of my English teachers have been telling me to write, to become a writer, and I think it's time I listen. I'm going to write my little heart out!

But I'm gonna need some help...I don't know where to begin, how do I got about it...do I need a college degree? Because I don't' have one, but dammit if I need one, I'll get one, I'll find the time to go to school...but what classes would I need to take? This is where I need help because I don't know how to go about it. Should I just enter contests? What do I do? What can I do? AGH...HELP!!! I'll be in a fetal position over in the corner if you need me...

Hmm

Yesterday was a really good day for me. It was weird, I hadn't even noticed at first. You see, I took one of my old journals to work w/ me, and I started flipping through, reading my old poetry...kind of wishing I could still write like that. And I stumbled upon my (in my opinion) best work. Which was the stuff I wrote after my best friend betrayed me (we're not gonna get into details, because frankly it's old news). Well it's been 2 1/2 years and let me tell you that I was not over it, I cried myself to sleep every night just thinking what I did to push her away. What happened? Well ususally if I read something that reminds me of her, I'll just fall into this really huge depressive state, and nobody can get me out. I basically cry for days without stopping. But I noticed after I read them, that the only thing on my mind was how I wish I could be that good of a writer again...and then it hit me: It didn't affect me like it usually did, and I haven't cried myself to sleep in weeks! Slowly but surely I got over it, and as it dawned on me, my face slowly stretched into the biggest smile that I've had in YEARS...and the best part is I suddenly felt like writing...so I did...and this is the end result.

Beginning Again

I write this with a smile of hope
A glimpse of the future
And maybe my happiness.
A look back I took
Of all my worst moments
Neither shame nor embarrasment
Covered my face
No tears of sadness
No thoughts of regret
I can safely say
That I'm O.K
The day is brighter
The sky is lighter
Things will be O.K
No more wishing for clocks to turn back
No more crying in bed in the dark
I am whole again
And I rejoice the rebirth of Jen

Always....

Why is it that all through the day certain things happen, and you think, 'Hey, I can't wait to rant about this stuff on my blog.' But then you get home, and you log on to blogger and your mind goes blank, and your fingers refuse to cooporate? Well that happens to me on a dialy basis, more than once a day. So lets see if I can remember ANYTHING worth writing here about my days in my boring life.....Oh yeah, I had to work 15 hours on Friday, I swear I wanted to die. I worked from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m., and then got home, took a shower, and went to bed (around 11 p.m.) Then woke up at 6 a.m. to go back to work at 7. You have no idea how exhausted I was. I had no idea how exhausted I was till I got home Saturday (yesterday lol) and passed out till morning. I still can't believe I slept so many hours...I think I slept like 13 or 14 hours, it's outrageous. But I needed it, you should have seen the bags under my eyes...they were more like suitcases.

Today is my mom's birthday, she's 41, yay for her, hehe. She had the day off, and she did stuff around the house, and at the mall...just girl birthday stuff I guess. Unfortunatley, she got a call from her sister telling her that her second uncle (or something like that) died Friday, and that his family wants her to be at the funeral. We don't know how we're going to do this, she just opened up a store next to the laundrymat where I now work, and Tuesday is supposed to be her day off, so she could make it Tuesday, but she wants me to come along. That would be the real issue, I have nobody to cover me, my mom was acutally going to work for me Tuesday so I could have a day off since she has today off. So now she can't do that, she needs to drive up to Pennsylvania (remember we're in Connecticut) and she refuses to go to the funeral without me. I have no problem staying behind (not because I didn't care about the guy...but if you can't find someone to replace me, I'm not going to loose my job especially since it pays so well, and I want to move out of my mom's place)

Which is the other thing I wanted to talk about (write about...) I'm moving out! I don't know when, I don't know where, but I am. There's this place called Renaissance Towers that I've had my eye on for about a week. I hear the place is beautiful, with big bedrooms, and cheap (only 650 a month for 1 bedroom). So I've pretty much fallen in love with it even though I haven't seen any of the apartments yet. I have seen the first floor, which is the laundry room and the office, and it's nice, it has elivators and all that good stuff. I hear they have 1 bedroom apartments open, unfortunately I'm looking for a 2 bedroom apartment because my best friend wants to move out of her parents house and she's been waiting for me to have a steady job that paid enough so the both of us could split the cost. So I'm afraid it's unrequited love again! Unless they have a 2 bedroom place, which I WILL look into. But it was a perfect place for me to move to, considering my job is right across the street from the building...We'll see what happens. All I know is I want a big place, so I can finally get those shelves and put all my books someplace nice.

Speaking of books, I just started reading a new one (what a shocker) Another Harlequin Intrigue because you know that's almost all I read. Covert Makeover by Mallory Kane, it's the 3rd in the Miami Confidential series (next month comes the last one). What would I do without my Harlequin, I just don't know, but I think I'm going to go read now, so I'll stop this 34 page blog before I violate some rule about writing a specific amount of words or something :P

Please comment, I feel soooooooooo lonely, like I'm talking to myself...which I do when I lay in bed at night, so I really don't need to do it here as well...

AAAGH!

Where to begin...Well I sort of got a job. My mom got sick earlier this week and she needed someone to help her out at her job, so I did. Well she's supposed to start a differen't job Tuesday, and they were trying to find a replacement for her, so they kind of gave me the job. It pays very well, but I work from 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. (I'm so not a morning person), and I have to work 7 days a week...not very cool.

Also I was supposed to hang out w/ a friend of mine who I sort of have a crush on. The conversation was really weird, he sounded like he didn't know what to say, but he was the one that called, and then after he asked what I was doing this weekend, it sounded as if he wanted to get off the phone ASAP. If it would have been any other person, I would have asssumed they were trying to ask me out...but he's weird (in a good way), so I don't know WHAT to think. What's worse is that he stood me up...that's the 3rd time he does it. We always hang out as a small group, never the two of us. And the times that we make plans (or well HE asks me if I want to hang) he always ends up standing me up...I don't get it

And then there's other stuff, that at the moment I really don't want to write down, it'll just bring me down, and I had a very exhausting day as it is. But if you're wondering why I hadn't written all this sooner....it's because we didn't have any cable, phone or internet for almost a week...turned out that the storm we had last week messed up something and we lost the service, bit it is fixed now...lol but I think you already knew that.

Random Craving

So I just saw a cranberry juice commercial, so naturally now I want some cranberry juice. I have little bottles of cranberry juice dancing in my head, so for some reason, I started thinking about the heat, which led me to think about good things to drink on a hot day...

1. Cranberry Juice :)
2. Lemonade
3. Water (can NEVER go wrong w/ that)
4. Passion Fruit

TADA :)

Also, new season of Project Runway starts this Wed. yay, which reminds me.....hehe....new season of Bones starts August 30th YAYAYAYAYAY! I CANNOT wait for that. The season finale was just such a jaw dropping episode, so now we know Temp's dad is still alive, which we find out 30 seconds before the episode is over :O He leaves the most cryptic message on her machine, and we're all like "Who's that?" (which is actually what Booth asks) and then Tempereance is like "That's my dad." And then it all went black, and I'm like whoa, and everyone watching was like whoa, and we were all just like...whoa. All I can say is...whoa. Speaking of good shows...Psych just premiered last Thursday after Monk, and I'm already hooked, it's such a funny show, and the fake psychic is hot ;D

Is anybody into ANY of these shows, or am I the only loser watching them?

As an afterthought, I read the comment Vera left me, which I really appriciated, and she's right. I shouldn't leave my work unamed so I will NOT edit the previous post and add a title. But I will tell you the name of the poem here...haha...cuz I'm cooky that way. "A look back" is what I decided to name it...tada...lol that's my word of the day. Tada :P

A lil writing

So I wrote a little bit today, started a story, which was very exciting since it's been over a year since I wrote anything...at least that's what I've been telling people. To be honest, I wrote something 3 months ago, I just didn't share it with anybody, but other than that I really hadn't written anything in over a year, lol. Well I decided to post what I wrote here because...well I dunno, I felt like it.

Untitled

Three years ago
I could no longer stand
The attraction that I felt all day
The way you irritated me
The way you made me smile
I hated you
Yet I wanted you

Three years ago
You finally noticed me
(Or maybe I noticed that you noticed me)
That's all it took

We went from being rivals
To being eachother's pest
To being friends
And finally...lovers...

Thus our bittersweet romance began
And with it
The end of what I once knew

You gave me romance
In all its cliches
I tried my best
To do the same

But the harder I tried
The more I knew
That I would never be good enough for you

My lack of self confidence
Turned me sour
Knowing I could never be
The girl you deserved
The girl I wanted to be
For you
And only you

I purposly sabotaged our relationship
Till all we had left was a friendship
And then I sabotaged that as well
Till all we had left was the past

Three years have passed
And even though I hadn't regretted it at first
As time went on
And the force of what I had done finally hit me,
I realized that all I needed to do
Was love you
Which I think I did
And if truth be told
I think I still do

So I write this
Three years after the fact
Hoping someday you'll read this...
(But also hoping you never do)

...She will never love you like I loved you

What's been going on

Well I was forced to quit my job Monday, it was either that or have them fire me. The till on the register I was on Friday was missing 150 dollars, so they reviewed the tapes, and I guess they didn't find out what happened to the money, so they had to get rid of me and the other person that used to register that day. At least though, since I chose to to resign the incident doesn't go on my record, and my boss said if I needed a recomendation that he'd be happy to give me one. So in the end, it wasn't so bad, although I did like my job, and I will miss it.

Well on my way home that day, I got a call from Cassie (my best friend) telling me to go down to Bassick (my old high school) because they were threwing Moody (my other best friend who was also a teacher at Bassick) a little going away party (She's moving to Jersey this summer). So I head over to Bassick, and I'm not really in a social mood...of course Moody can tell, so we sit and talk, she made me feel better, she always does :)

Ok so Tuesday I went to six flags with Cassie and some of her coworkers. It was a blast! I won a couple of stuffed animals, my fav. was the first one I won...a little baby road runner, he's soooooooooo cute!

Thursday night I spent the night at my brother's house so I could babysit the next day...and that's all I've done. The rest of the time I've been home.

Guess I was wrong

So remember how I said that today was going to be a better day? Well I was wrong, VERY wrong. Today was one of the worst days of my life, I'd rather be stuck in a time loop, and relive yesterday for the rest of my life if it meant that today didn't happen.

Well first I got written up because of last night. Because Dennis told me to take the trash out and do the keepers and Lucielle and Estavia did them because I was busy with costumers, and putting bags away, I got written up. And then not only that, but they said that I don't do anything, and that I'm always just leaning against the counter, and all this nonsense. That was upsetting enough, because I do everything around there, even when they don't tell me to, and I get no recognition whatsoever. But then right when I was about to leave, I get called in to one of my supervisor's office, and he tells me that he needs to talk to me, and it has nothing to do with me getting written up. He then goes on to say that Summit (my boss) wanted him to talk to me, that I didn't have to go to work tomorrow, but I had to come in Monday at 11 a.m. to talk to him. Apparently there's some thefts going on, and they're been "reviewing tapes" and so now they need to see me. And that's all he would tell me, and it's like they think I'm the one stealing, which is insane! I'm the most honest, trustworthy person there is, and I'm being accused to stealing. I feel so humiliated, and I was the only person that they talked to, that's even worse. It's like someone is out to get me, and they're pulling out all the stops. I mean, you don't know how much this hurts, because I work my ass off to do a good job, and I NEVER steal or lie, or even cheat. I don't even cheat on games!!! It's like there's this huge spotlight right on me with all these horrible things about me. Noboby has ever made me feel that way before, and if I'm accused of anything Monday, I'm quitting on the spot. What's worse is, that this is going to go on my record, nobody is going to hire me if they think I'm a thief. That's what gets to me the most, if I knew this was going to happen, I would have stolen stuff! At least then they'd be right. I wouldn't have busted my ass trying to do such a good job. Like today for instance, it was pouring and I had to go all the way to Milford, so I get to my bus stop, and my umbrella breaks. So now I'm getting wet, but the bus is supposed to be there any minute, so I can't go back home and get another umbrella. Well now I'm getting really wet, and the bus is LATE...20 minutes. So I finally get on the bus, drenched, even after my mom told me to just call out, but I said no, because that will give other people more things to do. So now I'm on the bus, and the AC is on really high, so it's REALLY cold, and I'm wet (just thought I'd be redundant) so of course I start sneezing, and my nose starts running, and I'm getting sick. But I go to work, and I work my ass off...and this is what I get. This was my day, hooray for me.

Hello Hello Hello

So this is my first blog entry from blogger, I wanted to write it last night, but I was too tired. Now I have less then 10 minutes to write this blog because I have to get dressed and go to work, so I shall TRY to be brief.

Last night was a very bad day. I'm really sick and tired of my manager pointing me out, and making me do all the work myself, when he doesn't do this to anybody else. Last night while I was trying to put bags in order (which I've been trying to do all day), he comes up to me and says 'It's YOUR responsibility to take the keepers in the back, and get rid of the trash by 10 p.m. or you don't go home. Because Estavia did recovery, and Lucielle finished the strips.' So I try to tell him ...'and I'm doing bags.' and he says 'I don't care, get it done or you don't go home.' Now let me explain something...First of all, he isn't technically my "boss", he's just a manager (one of many). Secondly, I ALWAYS do more than I have to do, whether he tells me to or not. I always take the keepers in the back, and I always take the trash out, not once did he tell me it was my responsibility. I just felt it had to be done, because no one else does anything. He told me earlier that the SPO's that need to be taken out from the holding shelf, get done everyday, and when he found something that should have been pulled out 3 days ago, he looks at me. Well I tell him that I hadn't been here since Sunday, and he tries to cover it up by saying, 'Well it's a small CD, it probably fell through the cracks.' Well let me tell you, I went to pull the SPO's out (like I ALWAYS do) and they hadn't been pulled since Sunday, which was when I pulled them out last. So basically I'm the only one pulling those out, but according to Dennis, their being done everyday. I just find it really unfair that he only singles me out, and he acts like I don't do anything around there, when I do almost everything, and they usually have me alone during my shift, so I'm the only cashier, which means I'm doing all this PLUS taking care of customers by myself.
My friend Estavia noticed it last night, and she told me to tell our boss (because our boss is really nice, he's very fair.) She might be right, I should tell him, but I've never been one to snitch or anything like that, and I would feel bad if Dennis got in trouble because of me. I heard he already got talked to because he was yelling at us employees, so I don't want to add any wood to the fire...if you know what I mean.

Anyways, I have to wrap it up before I miss my bus. Today should be better...Dennis isn't working today :D