Fighting With Characters

If you have been looking at my progress meters, you have noticed that my Erotic Romance meter has been slowly rising. That's good, I guess. But it's also a little bit frustrating, and this is why: I have my paranormal romance that is just sitting there. I'm a bit over halfway done with it and I really want to finish it. But those characters stopped talking to me! It happened just about the time that the characters for the Erotica showed up. I've tried to conjure them up, call them, yell at them...something, but they aren't cooperating. It's frustrating, I want to finish it, but I don't know how it's gonna end! HAHA

Duncan, Jenny, Stephanie...if you can hear me...PLEASE COME BACK. I'll even settle for Meldorf or Samael. Just somebody come back and tell me what happens next!

Death By Dream

Earlier this afternoon I took a nap. I had a really strange dream: It was Sailor Moon related. I was one of the Sailor Scouts, it kept switching between Sailor Mars and Sailor Mercury. Anyway, we were being attacked by sprites. We would try to run away from them, but they kept fluttering by our legs and for some reason no matter how fast we ran, they managed to latch on. When they did that, I would get shocked, bad, and it would hurt a lot. We tried to use our powers against them, but we were outnumbered and Serena (Sailor Moon) was passed out on the floor.

This was the first time that I had EVER felt physical pain in a dream. I've never felt anything physical, it was always emotional. Even when I've had sexual dreams, my mind acknowledges that it's something good, and inside it feels good, but physically I wouldn't feel anything.

I've never believed that if you die in a dream you die in real life, but now that I had this dream...I'm not so sure anymore. I felt pain, and it was a lot of pain. What if I have a dream where I get shot, will I feel it as much as the real thing? Could I die in a dream and never wake up? I've had hundreds of dreams where I've died, but I always wake up right before it actually happens...what if one night I go all the way...and I die?

Small Progress

Yes I know, I’ve been a very bad blogger. And I do apologize. I’m trying the best I can but it’s a lil bit hard when you’re super depressed.

This week, however, I’m not as depressed. YAY. I caved, I’ll admit it. I called Darnell Wednesday night after 3 months. I don’t know why, maybe because I’m weak! Whatever the reason, there was a lot of talking (on his part), a lot of apologizing (also on his part) and a lot of crying (on my part, of course). I told him I didn’t know if I could be his friend because I love him so much, and it’s going to be hard having someone I love in front of me all the time and know I can’t have him.

Then Friday-because I’m weak, I tell ya!-I got roped into seeing his new apartment Saturday. I was very impressed. It’s in West Haven and it’s like a loft, sorta. The building used to be a school and they converted the classrooms into apartments. It’s awesome, I wish I lived in one of those apartments, they’re so me. Different. We spent Saturday afternoon together, then he dropped me off at my place early evening, only to end up going back to his place and spending the night. No, there was no hanky panky, I was a good girl! Well…there was kissing though…and I wasn’t SO good the next day…but I was a good girl that night! :P We talked some more, I did more talking this time. I also did more crying, but what can I say I’m an emotional being and my heart is broken, I get to cry. At the end of it all…I still don’t know where I am, and if I can be his friend without the hugging and kissing and other stuff. But at least my heart is better, for now.

This weekend I get to hang out with my guys! YAY! Who are my guys, you ask? Well, they’re CJ (a.k.a “my hubby”) and Rick (a.k.a Rick, lol or Sexy Rick when I want to embarrass him.) I met them online during NaNoWriMo. CJ is the ML for my county and Rick was a first year participant like me. We really hit it off, and we talk almost everyday online. We only got to meet up once during NaNo, and we’ve been trying to get together again. Finally, this Saturday is the day. :D I’m very excited, we shall do all kinds of crazy shenanigans.

Today I wrote a lil bit (besides this blog entry). So double YAYS. It’s a lil frustrating sometimes for me to write so slow. I wish I could write faster, but I haven’t been able to. I don’t know if it’s because it’s hard to write about love when you’re heart is broken or what. But hopefully I can get a lil bit more writing done now that I’m not constantly in my dark place. Cross your fingers please! So it’s small progress, but it’s still progress. I made it to 29,000. You know what that means: 1,000 more words and I’ll be at 30,000. WOW. No matter how much I bitch moan and complain, I’m still proud of my progress (though slow as it may be) because I’ve never written a story this long. I just need to keep my focus, and try not to obsess over it.

I have so much more to say, but this post is long enough. :D How was your weekend? Anything you wanna share? I’m here to listen.

Over already???

Where did the weekend go? Man I swear yesterday was Friday. I wanted to do some writing, more than 500 words, but that didn't happen. Yesterday after my scare (read the post before this one if you don't know what I'm talking about) my brain had turned to mush and I ended up not writing anything. Heck, I didn't even Sim this weekend! What the heck did I do!?

Oh well, that's the life of the working man...err...woman.

I would also like to apologize for my absence. I've been somewhat reclusive these last couple of weeks, thanks to the Darnell drama that ensued. Of course by the end of this last week I was feeling better (meaning I was able to suppress the pain to continue my life of numbing heartache--melodramatic, I know.) Then Thursday night when I was in bed my cell rang. I picked it up not bothering to see who it was, and who do you THINK it was? Of course, it was Darnell. He called to invite me to a "small party" he's throwing this upcoming weekend. Why does he torment me so!!!? I of course declined, but he did his damage. I spent the night crying my eyes out and spent most of my work day doing the same. Thankfully none of my costumers commented on the puffy eyes...or the tears running down my cheeks. But I'm "better" now.

Can't wait for Gossip Girl tomorrow, finally! And OMG did you guys see last week's episode of Bones!? SUPER AWESOME. And my baby, David Boreanaz directed it. BRAVO!!! And congrats on the baby news. I hope it's a girl this time. :)

Ok, that's it for tonight. Until next time, which will hopefully be tomorrow, hehe.

A Very Horrible Experience

It was a weird feeling. An emotion unlike I had ever experienced. My breathing ceased, my lungs did not care. My heart felt as though it stopped beating. Time stood still. I could not move, I dared not. Because if I did then what just happened really did happen, and it wasn't my imagination playing tricks on me, coming up with the worst possible thing it could think of.

Finally I began to move, slowly. I forced my lungs to take in some air as I needed to breath to be able to think. My limbs felt heavy, panic had gripped them. I forced them to move. I forced my panic back a bit, anything to think of a logical explanation. Anything to fix this problem...

I realized then that I had been mistaken. It was all a big, horrible mistake. THANK GOODNESS!!! My limbs slacked, they felt like jelly. I was super relieved.

What happened, exactly? Well I popped my flash drive into the laptop, tried to open my NaNo story and I couldn't find it! Not only that, I couldn't find the additional chapters I had saved there as well. Or the brainstorming for other stories. Everything was gone...or so I thought. Turns out I was looking at my MP3 player's folder (which is also plugged into my laptop). Of course there isn't going to be anything saved under doc. But I learned a very important thing out of this incident. How important, and how special my work is to me. I hadn't realized how much it meant to me until now. When I thought about the 25,000+ words that I had thought lost...I wanted to cry, just weep. I felt so useless, and indescribable really. There isn't a single word to describe how horrible I felt.

Answer Me This

I grip the pen,
Not knowing where to start.
Looking for a way to tear myself apart.
I need to bleed
Bleed you out of my heart
I need to bleed
Till I find myself miles apart

I can't go on like this!

This is not by any means a suicide note
I'm just trying to find a way to cope
A way to open myself up
A way to tear you out of my soul
Because if people think I like where I'm at
I have to speak up
And tell them 'I'm not'.

Would you want to be?
Where I'm at that is.
With a pressure headache,
With a constant lump in the back of your throat?
My eyes sting behind their lids
Begging for me to let them cry their release.

Do you want to be where I'm at?

A better question would be:
Have you ever been where I'm at?
Because you've questioned my feelings
You've questioned my emotions
You've called me unpredictable
Unlogical
Undefinable

Well isn't love unpredictable?
Have you ever found the logic behind such an emotion?
Can you define loving someone in a manner that is satisfactory to one and all?

Because if you can,
Then what you feel is not love.

Real love knows none of those things
It just is.

Why do you love your mother?
Your cousin?
Your best friend?
Your pet?

Why do I love you?
Even after all the lies?
The betrayal?
The pain you've caused?

And yet you mock me.
Mock my feelings
And hurt me so deep that I can't reach the pain to sooth it away.

Why should I do you any favors?
What have you done for me to help me alleviate the pain?