All In My Head???

So after my last post, I spoke to Darnell on the phone. And to tell you the truth, everything seemed fine. We talked, joked around, and then we hung up. He didn't seem bothered by me not being available all week...so maybe I was just in my head. Maybe I was being codependent (I definitely was) but now that I caught myself, I fixed the problem and everything seems ok.

It's a little hard for me sometimes. I keep expecting things to go back to the way they were, and that scares me. I guess I still don't fully trust that he's not that same person anymore. Hopefully over time, I will learn to 100% let go of the past.

Darnell

Lisa's comment on my last post gave me pause. She's right, I'm being codependent. The sad thing is, I didn't even notice.

I've had this blog for a long time, and when I went to add Darnell's name to my labels, it auto completed. Of course I've written about him in the past! So I looked through my old posts and read every entry that mentioned him...and it broke my heart.

There wasn't a single entry where I shared a nice story about him. They were all about how mean he was, how horrible he treated me, ho much he made me cry.

The last (old) entry where I mentioned him was written a few days before I finally cute all ties with him. And here I am, 11 years later...

Am I back where I was?

He's not the same person he used to be - at least that's what I think. He doesn't say any of the awful things I wrote about in the past. He goes to therapy now (this therapist has told him he's codependent). But our relationship is just starting again and I'm already in some sort of inner turmoil. Will he eventually revert back to saying the things he used to say? Because it's not like he said them on day 1. I would never knowingly start a relationship with someone that was so mean to me. It was a gradual change.

Maybe it's happening already.

I just don't understand the hold he has over me. I've never been in another romantic relationship where I was codependent. But my relationships after Darnell have been so lackluster. I always felt like I was phoning it in. They always complained I wasn't as committed as they were. They complained about me being emotionally distant. I thought there was something wrong with me. I wanted love, but felt bothered by the men I was seeing.

And then Darnell showed up out of the blue after 10 years, and our conversations were intelligent, witty, passionate. We talked about things - politics, philosophical views, video games, anime, etc. It felt good. I no longer felt like a zombie - half alive, going through the motions. I flourished. I became more confidant in my day to day life.

Is it bad that I don't want to give that up?

I enjoy his company. I enjoy our conversations.

But Lisa, I have a question: Is it really being codependent if we're in a long-distance relationship? Because that's why I was switching my schedule around to match his - we don't see each other often, we live in different states. Our phone calls are all we really have. It wasn't my intention to be codependent. I was just trying to navigate through this long distance journey that is new to me.

Not matter how old I get, I still need your guidance, friend. :)

Confession

The late night brings upon forbidden thoughts
I cannot hide them in the moonlight
You were once my everything
I was once your angel
You praised my existence
And I always imagined myself with you
Forever.

The late night brings upon lost memories:
Your soft skin
Your sweet lips
Your brown eyes as they lost themselves in mine.

My heart aches for you tonight as I lay in the dark
Wishing I could turn the clocks back to a time where everything seemed harder
Because that's where I met you...
and lost you.

The late night brings upon a heart that aches,
My heart,
As I read old love notes long forgotten.

Under the light of the silver moon
I acknowledge to myself,
"Loosing you might have been the biggest regret of my life."

One of those days...

It's one of those days, those lonely days where I wish I had a boyfriend soooooo bad! *sighs* I'm sort of having a conversation about it, and this is what I said.

"I need some hand holding and hugs and kisses and snuggles and flowers and just because gifts and I was thinking about you phone calls."

Sorry for the lack of commas and what-nots haha. Oh and my friend said this in response to that...

"What's your number?" HAHA He was joking of course.

It's kinda hard to work on a romance novel when you don't feel love...hehe yeah I know guys I'm wallowing...well...it's my blog so lemme wallow!!!