Emotional Rollercoaster

So besides all the crap that's been happening these last couple of days...I have more things going on today to make my head spin. One minute I'm super sad, the next I'm ok, not happy, but laughing and whatnot. Why? Well I wont get into the stuff from these last couple of days, I'll just stick with today.

1. Today is my nephew's first birthday. YAY! He's so cute, I can't believe he's already one. My brother made him a cake, and OMG it was freaking YUMMY.

2. It's Jeff's birthday as well. 22, you go Jeffers. He came over last night and we were watching some anime, and then me, him and Virginia started watching porn. It was fun. I should call him though, since he has no plans...I kinda wanna see more of that anime :P

3. Virginia left this morning (back to New Jersey). *Sighs* I'm not going to see her again for a while. She's moving to Colorado in October and wont be back for 10 months. That hurts my heart, she's my best friend, my sister. What am I going to do without her? This is going to be so hard not having her around.

4. Last, but not least, today is the anniversary of my grandma's death. I can't believe it's been 4 years since Tata died. I remember when I found out: I was away at school, and it was Wednesday night. I was over at Cram & Jam doing a little homework and enjoying the live performance of Eric Himan, when my roomie (Jen) tells me I missed a call from my mom. So I borrow her cell and I call her back. I didn't believe her at first, how could I? This was Tata, I spoke to her a few weeks before and she was fine. I went back inside in a trance, and Eric Himan started to sing The Outskirts of You, and I broke. I broke so hard. I started to cry, and I couldn't stop. This was Tata, my Tata, the person who I loved the most in this world. She was such a huge influence in my life, I'm the person I am today, partly because of her. My love of old t.v. shows, my love for board games, and card games (she taught me to play Uno, Old Maid, Parcheesi), she taught me how to speak english. She was my roomate for a long time growing up. I never saw her being gone, I thought she'd be around for ever. (That sounds dumb, but it's true) It was a hard night for me, but everyone was really nice and supporting. Eric Himan came up to me after his set and asked if I was ok (he saw me crying earlier), he was really nice, he autographed a cd for me. Everytime I hear The Outskirts of You (which is a beautiful song) I think of Tata. At first I couldn't listen to it without crying, buy now I can, it makes me miss her so much, but it also helps me remember all the good memories. Which is why I'm listening to it now

Ok, enough of that, now we all know why I'm on this rollercoaster of emotional baggage.

"Bite Me" LOL

Hmm...
Dark.
Scrumptious.
Sinful.
Immortal.
I bathe in your shadow,
under the moon's soft glow.
Waiting for a glimpse of your eternal soul
A soul so black
I cower in fear...
And delight
At all the possibilites you arise within me.

I wait with bated breath
Neck exposed
For the feel,
The thrill
Of your cold merciless fangs
As they rip through my flesh,
And take hold of my essence.

And all I do
Is whimper in anticipation
As I see the blood of the innocent
Drip heedlessly onto the ground
As I become one with the night.

Coming out of hiding

I decided to blog tonight, not because I had anything to say, but because I've been kind of hiding. I've been on blogger reading other people's blog, leaving comments, but I haven't taken the time to catch you guys up on what's going on with me.

My weekend in Penn. was ok, I guess. Not as horrible as I expected, my aunt was on her best behavior, haha. She even found me on myspace and sent me a friend request :s. My mom and I got into at least 3 arguments, mind you we must have spent an accumulative 3-4 hours together that weekend. That just proves we are not meant to live in the same state. Needless to say, I was glad to be back in CT at the end of the weekend. Too much family, too much of my mother, too many huge bugs.

I'm having problems with Darnell, as always. Though I don't know what his problem is exactly, I think it may have something to do with the fact that I kicked him out of my bedroom last night when Bones was about to start. Well excuse me if I want to watch my favorite show in peace, with no interruptions, no stupid comments about how it's a dumb show, or how I'm obsessed with David Boreanaz, no snickering. If he would have just said he was going to be on his best behavior, I wouldn't have kicked him out, but he couldn't even do that, he just started laughing. So he grabbed his keys and headed back to work, now he refuses to answer my phone calls. Whatever, I'm so sick of this. Makes me realize that there are a lot of problems between us, that are not new, that were in fact, there 3 years ago when we dated.

And that makes me lonely, not because he's being a big baby (even though according to him I'M the big baby), but because I feel like I'm never going to find that guy. I'm 22 years-old and I've only had 2 official boyfriends my entire life, and both those relationships last 3 months. What is so wrong with me that I can't attract a nice guy. I'm not saying Darnell isn't a good person, he is, he helps people out when they need him, no questions asked, no matter how big a favor is, if he can do it he will. But he can be really mean sometimes, and it hurts my feelings, and then I get accused of being over emotional, and I'm told I'm overreacting. I just wish he wasn't so damn bipolar with me, I wish he wouldn't push me away, I wish we could go 1 week without getting into a fight, I wish he didn't make me cry so much-like I'm crying now. Because he can be so sweet sometimes, but he has this thing where he wants everything done his way. Like we only have sex when HE wants, or he'll only let me kiss him if HE feels like it. It's ok for him to not want to talk to me because he wants to sleep instead, or for him to call me as many times as he wants. But when I call him twice a day, I'm called clingy. I can't say I miss him, or that I want to see him. But he called me this past weekend to tell me to spend the weekend at his house because he wanted to cuddle.

So it's ok when HE says it's ok, but I can't say anything. I'm sorry but I don't operate that way. I'm not saying I don't get clingy, because I do sometimes but I don't have split personalities where one minute I'm all over him and then the next I'm annoyed because he's there all the time and blah blah blah. Forget it, I'm ranting, and I'm confused, and I don't know what to do with myself.

And for the record, I'm NOT sorry I kicked him out of my room for Bones because it was an AWESOME EPISODE!

After 4 years, back to Penn

Friday, eek! Usually I'm happy when Friday arrives, it means the weekend, no waking up early to go to work. But this Friday-although I still don't work-is not a happy day. Let me explain...

My step-dad and I are driving to Pennsylvania tonight. My cousin's quinceanero (sweet 15) is Saturday afternoon and I promised her months ago that I would attend. A promise is a promise, right? Can't get out of it now, although I really want to. Why? Well, I love my cousin Christina very much, I'm just not too fond of the rest of my family. I know that sounds horrible, but what can I say? I have to lie and pretend that I'm close to them, but I will not do so on my own blog!

Can you imagine that I'm the black sheep of the family? I am...or maybe I should say I'm the white sheep? :D Either way, we're complete opposites (that includes my mom and brother as well). I love to read, they don't. I like astronomy, they think I'm stupid and crazy for staring up into the sky at night. I graduated from high school, none of them did. I don't smoke-anything-or do drugs, they all do. I've never been arrested or gone to jail, they all have. I've never been in a gang, they all have ('cept for my mom, I think). So as you can see, my family is made up of black sheep, and I'm the only white one in the bunch (well, me and Christina...thankfully).

I don't want anyone to think I'm being judgemental even though I'm coming across that way-because I'm really not. If that's the way they want to live their lives, they can, as long as they're happy, who am I to say otherwise, right? The problem is they judge me. They're constantly criticizing my lifestyle, or how I dress, or how I speak, or the fact that I'm 22 and haven't been "knocked up" yet when both my mom and aunt were pregnant with their firstborn at the age of 13.

Now, I'm a strong individual, I stand my ground, and I usually don't let petty things like that bother me. But this is my family, I grew up with them. There was a time when we all lived in the same house back in Puerto Rico. And I know family members tend to criticize-it's not that out of the ordinary-but it's the way that they do it. They are vicious, they insult me to my face, and laugh about it. Then when I retreat to a quiet room by myself with a book to read, my aunt starts going around saying that I think I'm better than the rest of them, that I look down on them, and don't want to associate myself with them. Which of course is not true. I just wish they would leave me alone to live my life as I please, make my own mistakes. Just because we choose different lifestyles doesn't mean we can't find a common ground and get along. But when I try to say this they dismiss me, say I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, that I know nothing, and that's it.

So now do you see why I'm not T.G.I.F-ing? And why I'm dreading this trip?

Well that's all I've got to report on this end, I will be taking my laptop with me, just in case a fight ensues and I head for my motel room. Will they have internet? I don't know, but if they do, and I get a chance to come online, I'll report on the current progress of the-as I like to call-hellkend (hell weekend...get it?) :P

Too much Law & Order...and Sims 2

Hello everyone, I hope everyone had a good weekend, I guess I could say I did. I had a dream last night, I guess it was more of a nightmare, but I like nightmares (lol), they don't scare me. It was about "Law & Order: SVU" which I happen to LOVE. I got into it about a year ago, and I've been hooked since, and if you have cable, you know that this summer on USA all they did was give "SVU" (and the occasional "Criminal Intent") marathon. I can safely say that I saw every "SVU" marathon this summer. And now I can also say that I've been watching too much "Law & Order", my dream was pretty much a new "SVU" episode that my mind conjured up, this is what I remember of it:

A little girl got raped and kidnapped, and Benson and Stabler were in charge of the investigation (of course), and they start running ideas w/ eachother about the person that might have done it, and they come up w/ a good-if vague-idea of who commited the crime. Benson later goes back to the little girl's house to talk to her mother, when she discovers a drop of blood that the tech. team missed, so she takes a sample of it, and then hears someone coming into the house. (Now at this point I'm Olivia) So I hide in one of the bedrooms-I guess to catch the perpetrator-but when I was about to bust him, I paused in fear. At that moment I did not know why. But then it fades to black (tooooo much tv time lol) and when it reconvenes (I guess after a commercial break) Benson and Stabler are at the girl's school (now I'm Stabler btw) and Olivia informs us that while we were looking for someone from the school before, now we have evidence that shows that while it's still someone from the school, it's actually one of her classmates that took her. So they brought Dr. Huang over to do a profile, and he said that the boy we were looking for was seriously disturbed (duh), had been physically abused, and showed an interest to sadomasochism that he just could not hide. Another commercial break, and then Stabler (still me) is laying in bed sleeping, and he has a prophetic dream. It flashes in front of his eyes as quick images, of first a little boy, then the little boy w/ bloody hands, then he's holding a bloody knife, and finally a look of glee. Stabler wakes up, and so do I. :P

Yup, that was my dream, maybe tonight I'll finish the episode, haha.

Now on for the second part of my blog title...Sims 2, yes I have come to the realization that I have played too much Sims, and this is why. Today at work, I was simming (playing Sims) and my Sim had all these wants that I wasn't fulfilling because I was forcing her to study and gain skill points, which she didn't want to do, BUT I was thinking about her lifetime goal (her aspiration) and in order to make her TRULY happy, I had to forgo her current wants. And then it hit me: Duh Jen, if YOU want to reach YOUR aspiration, you must forgo the things that you currently want, and start thinking about the bigger picture. So I shut off my Sims game (:'( wuahh) and worked on my writing. And that's when I know I've simmed too much, when I learn valuable lessons from it.

Last Couple of Days

*Sighs* Where to begin...

The concert was awesome!!! I always forget that Pat Benatar sounds so much better live (if that's even possible, which it is) I didn't want the night to end, and the opening act was pretty good too (Linsay Rush).

Ok, so let me rewind to this past Saturday (when I got my cute cute dress), I wrote on my previous blog (or the one b4 that, I can't remember) that some-not so good-stuff happened. Well I'm not going to get into MUCH detail, I will say however that it involves Darnell (what a shocker). I don't know what his problem is, but he was distant since he picked me and my friends up, then he was cold, then when I asked him what he tought of my dress he said it was "fine" and when I asked him if that was it, just fine, he shrugged and walked out the store, and got into his car. After I finished shopping, and we headed to the car, I asked him why he left and he said I was being "annoying". Well it really hurt my feelings...more than hurt my feelings actually, but whatever, he was like this for the rest of the weekend.

Mind you, I'm so sick of his deal, I have enough issues with myself as it is, I don't need him to give me a new complex. So I've just been keeping my distance, and out of the blue he calls me yesterday to see how I am, and to see what I've been up to, blah blah blah. Ok here's the deal: He acts like such a mean jerk, and then doesn't talk to me for a few days until I've "cooled down" and then calls me and pretends like he wasn't an asshole, and I'm supposed to just sit here and take it? Oh no no no, he forgets who he's dealing with, just because I've tolerated it for the last few months doesn't mean that I'll continue to do so. I'm the type of person that tries things out, and can admit that sometimes I can be in the wrong, but once I've hit my limit, all bets are off. Mr. Leo is in for a rude awakening because this Capricorn is fed up. So I talked to him yesterday, but kept my answers short, and didn't ask him anything. And he called me again today to ask me to dinner, and I told him I was relaxing in a mumu (sp?). I'm going to give him a taste of his own medicine, and just how he throws it in my face that I'll miss him eventually and come crawling back...that's how I'm gonna play things, and he WILL miss me.

Season premiere of Gossip Girl was Monday, and it was really good. I'm glad Serena and Dan are back together. Leighton Meester's hair is lighter which is cute, but I prefer her w/ darker hair.

Bones' 2 hour premiere was yesterday, and it was orgasmic! Funny, funny, cute, funny (lol) and sad. I cannot believe Hudgens and Angela broke up! They finally get her husband to sign the divorce papers and then everything goes downhill. I can't help but to blame Cam for that, and for the record I KNEW she was going to sleep w/ him... "Can I get a ride to the airport?" HAHA! that's my new pick up line :) (Too bad I never need an actual ride to the airport, since I never go anywhere)

I'm sure I also mentioned before that I got the anthology in the mail (the one I won over at Something Wicked) and I read Cynthia Eden's story first (Spellbound) and it was soooo super good!!! She had me at a witch named Serena lol. Yesterday I finished "Turn Me On" by Noelle Mack, and it was so super good as well. I really like her imagination, I loved her idea, and I'm looking forward to reading more of her stuff (guess that means I need to take a trip to the bookstore soon).

I guess that's all I've got to report...it's all I can think of, sorry but this whole Darnell thing has got me super upset, I'm not getting much sleep, and when I DO sleep I have bad dreams of him. I haven't even worked on my novel (man I'm never gonna get that done)...Truth be told, I don't think I CAN do it, how in the heck am I supposed to write 50,000 words!? I'm nowhere near that, I'm at like 5,000. I swear, I just don't have the discipline, I need a good smack in the face. Argh!

TONIGHT

YAY!! PAT BENATAR...TONIGHT!!

I am so super excited that this is all I'm going to post, a lot of stuff (baaad) happened yesterday, and I don't want to ruin my evening by thinking about. Although something good that did happen yesterday was that I got the anthology I won in the mail yesterday. :) I will start reading it tomorrow probably.

Oh and in case I forget, tomorrow is the season premiere of "Gossip Girl" YES! And more importantly, Wednesday is the 2 hour premiere of "BONES" YES YES YES YES YESYESYESYESYES! (Can you tell I'm excited...well I am) Ok I'm off now, I'm going to start getting ready for the concert soon, so I better get my butt in gear.


TONIGHT....

TGIF

It's friday, and I'm glad. No work till Monday, Virginia is coming down from Jersey today. I'm going shopping tomorrow, and then Virginia and I are going to the concert on Sunday. I'm pretty excited, I have a lot planned this weekend.

Wednesday was great, my brother got outta jail and he looks good! Lost a whole bunch of weight, I was really glad to see him, and so were his kids.

Thursday I got Apartment Life (Sims 2 expansion pack) and OMG it is GREAT! There are witches now, and you can become a witch and depending on which kind of spells you do, that will determine wether you're a good witch or a bad witch. You can fly on a broom and conjure up a familiar, and teleport. Oh and you get a book of shadows, soooo cooool!!!! I did a lil lil lil bit of writing today, not much because, well I wanted to play Sims (hehe oops)

Ok that's all I've got, I guess. I don't know why but I find it hard to write on my blog, yet I can leave super long comments on other people's blogs, lol. Oh well.

2 Days Till....

It's been daysssss....

I know, I know, I've been a bad bad girl, but in my defense I've been sick since Wednesday and everytime I log on I read other people's blogs first and leave comments, and by the time I get here, I'm too tired to write anything.

Ok so tomorrow is the big day, why you ask?

1. My brother gets out of jail: Good thing, I miss him, and I'm sure he's been miserable in there, hopefully he has learned his lesson and wont do foolish things again (but I kinda doubt it)

2. My nephew (The lil cutie below) is starting Kindergarden! I still can't believe it, he's 5 and I can still remember him being this lil tiny baby who's diaper I used to change. Wow they sure do grow up fast.

3. This is going to sound stupid--since I'm so excited about it--but the new Sims 2 expansion pack (Apartment Life) comes out tomorrow! I love my sims game, and play everyday, I actually play when I'm supposed to be writing...eek...like this past week...and today. But I can't help it, I'm addicted.

Now as I just mentioned, my writing isn't going so well, I'm procrastinating. There's a number of reasons why I haven't been writing as much as I should, I probably haven't mentioned this on this blog before, but, I want to be a romance writer. I've taken a long journey in life to find this goal, writing is something I've always done, something I've always liked, and I think I've done well, but since it was always a part of me I didn't notice how much I love it. I took for granted the feeling that I used to get as a little girl when my teachers chose my essays to read out loud to the class, or when the little story I wrote and illustrated in the 3rd grade won first place out of all the different 3rd grade classes, and got laminated and turned into a little book and was copied and sent out through the school.

I don't know, it was just something I always did, and I didn't think much about it. Then I wanted to be an actress, and do stage theater, and I spent years taking classes and performing and I thought that was what I was going to do w/ my life, and then my mother got in the way. She gave me an altimatum: Either give up my theater dreams and go to a regular college and study something else, or get disowned and not have any kind of support (financial or otherwise). I think we all know what I chose, and I regret it everyday, but I can't go back and change things, I can only look forward. I honestly don't know when I had my epiphony, but somewhere along the line I realized that what I liked most about acting was he scripts themselves and being able to read something and act it out to people the way that I thought people should perceive it. One of my acting teachers once said that to be a great actor one has to love the english language, love words, and I realized that I DO. I've been writing all my life, and I love to read as much. I love romance novels, I love being in that world, and that's what all of my short stories used to lack, romance. Like I said, I don't know how I realized all this, but I know that more than anything, I want to be a published romance author. I want to write contemporary pieces, I want to write paranormal romance, and I think this time around instead of just bitching and whining that this is what I want to do, I've decided to actually try to do it. REALLY.

So I started writing a novel, which I might not do anything with once I'm done, I just want to see if I'm able to write one, see if I'm able to write 50,000 words (that's a lot), and if I can, and do, then I'll polish it, or rewrite it or write something completely different. But I'm going to do it, I'm doing my research, and I'm plannig on joining RWA and, well I'm kinda making this up as I go along, but I'm taking it one step at a time, and I guess we'll see where this leads me.

Wow that was a mouthful (or fingerful lol) anyways that's all I'm going to say for today except for...

5 DAYS TILL....

Again...

Darnell and I got into another fight. It was a really stupid fight (like always) something that should've been resolved in minutes, but because neither of us want to back down first it's been almost 2 days. This is sucks major balls, and the only reason why I don't call him and end this stupid thing is pride...or maybe a bit of competative challenge. The last thing he said to me was "Oh ur going to regret not talking to me in a little while." Because usually after a while I miss him, and I go and talk to him and say I'm sorry even though I'm not always in the wrong, and so he expects it now. And I'm not going to keep backing down, I refuse to give him anymore power. So, I'm not calling him, and it sucks because I left my Wii remote at his place and now I can't play guitar hero, but I guess that's a good thing, I can work on my novel.

In other news, my brother gets out of jail in 9 days. I haven't really talked about it because things arn't going to be good when he does. He's not a bad guy, and he isn't really a criminal. He got locked up for 10 months because of his "baby momma". Everytime they had an argument she would call the cops and accuse him of either beating her or one of the kids. My brother had friends in the police department and they knew him and knew her and they KNEW that it wasn't true, but they had to report it anyways even though they didn't do anything to him. But my brother didn't learn, and after so many incidents, you can't just write it off, so he was forced to do some time and do some programs. The problem my brother has (REALLY has) is that he's a con-artist. I love him, but he gets away w/ EVERYTHING because he is so charismatic and when he smiles it's contagious and everyone likes his easy going personality, but what they don't know is that he's eating your brain, manipulating you till you do what he wants you to do. He has so much potential to do so many things w/ his life, but he's lazy, he likes people to take care of him so he doesn't have to. And for the last 28 years, people have taken care of him, and they continue to do so. So now my step-dad wants to give him a job at the store and do all this stuff, and of course I'm going to be the one stuck dealing w/ him. Dealing with his screw ups and covering for him because I'm not immune to his charm. I may resist at first, but he knows how to play people, and he'll just play me harder till I'm cornered, and finally give in. That's the way it's been since...well since I was born.

I've got a headache just blogging about all this....


13 DAYS TILL....

Countdown continues

17 DAYS TILL...

Not much...

Not much to tell today...um, I'm tired..hehe. Tomorrow is Darnell's birthday, he'll be 28.
Oh, also, Selene (my kitty cat) is in heat...arrgh, yowling up a storm. Unfortunately I cant afford to take her to the vet so we're both gonna have to suffer. She's a horny one...like her mommy :D

That's it, that's all I gotta report. Like I said noooooooothing going on today. You know cept for....


18 Days Till...

"oooook" moment

So here's a random, should have been normal, encounter w/ my landlords:

So Ruben (my landlord :D) was supposed to stop by my house yesterday to take care of a leaking problem in my roof, and also to collect the rent (but we'd agreed that he'd stop by my job to get it since I practically live there). He was supposed to be at my house @ 3, but didn't show up (no surprise). I get a call around 4:30, it's his wife Zebel, and she has called to let me know that Ruben wasn't going to make it because he had car trouble and his car was in the shop. (No problem) And if it was ok for her to get the rent later that night. So I told her that the money was at my job w/ my step-dad (I work for him) like we all agreed on and that she could stop by the store whenever she wanted to pick it up. So she says ok, and we hang up. End of story . . .

Or so I thought . . .

Later that evening, around 7:00, there's a knock on my door. It's Ruben. He tells me that he stopped by to tell me that he couldn't stop by because he had no car, and that yes, he knew his wife spoke w/ me about it earlier. And if it was ok for him to come Wednesday, I said yes, and then he said he wasn't going to get the rent today (yesterday), he'd wait till Wednesday. Then he left. End of story. REALLY.

So I'm sorry but...WHY did u show up at my door to tell me something that I already knew and to ask me something you could have asked over the phone??? And no, he does not live near me...so why bother? If anything, wouldn't he have just gone to my job to get the rent money since he decided to come down here anyway??? (FYI: My job is only a couple of blocks from my house).

Does anybody else find this a tad odd? Random? Anomalous? <-I like that word :P



19 Days Till...

Much to discuss...

Ok, where to start...(this is what happens when u skip a day of blogging)...

Ok Saturday: Many hours after my blog, Darnell gave me a call @ 2 a.m. He wanted to talk about our argument, and how he missed me and blah blah blah....we had GREAT make-up sex. Like OMG, romance novel, cry afterwards sex! Yeah, by far the best sex I've ever had, and only took an hour. So yeah, we're ok for now, as ok as we EVER get.

Ok moving on...
I read an interesting post over on Wicked Authors today, about ones writing habit, and how you should write a little everyday. I found it highly ironic because I stopped writing for a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time, and I just started trying to get back into it by starting a new story, and I've found it extremely hard. Starting any type of writing for me is always the hardest thing, and it seems like this time around it's even worse, I was beginning to think I sucked. Like I lost my talent, or I never had any lol, but reading that blog eased my mind a bit, and it makes sense, so I shall set my own daily word count goal and see if that helps.

Now....I saved the BEST for last (*drum rooooolll*)
I bought tickets for PAT BENATAR!!! OMG she's going to be playing at the Klein at the end of this month, and I can't believe she's going to be so close to me (a couple of blocks, literally). So I've bought 2 tickets, and I'm going to go see her, and it's going to be freaking totally super awesome! And if you haven't noticed, I'm quite excited. Pat Benatar is like royalty for me, I worship her, and actually she was my first concert experience back when I was 16 (2002, not that long ago...I'm still a wee baby)so it will be totally fun to go see her again, and I don't have to travel all the way to Westbury, NY to see her, I can WALK. HOLY COW, I'm still in awe/shock/other things haha. But I shall be counting down, so be prepared for the name Pat Benatar to come across my blog for the next couple of weeks. So without further ado....

20 DAYS TILL....

I'M BACK WHOOOOO!

After almost 2 years of bloggerless activity I am back!

So you see, when blogger changed and did all that google stuff, I switched like they told me to, but my blog got lost somewhere. It wasn't in my new or old file and I didn't know what to do, I sure as hell wasn't going to do another one, so I walked away from it. Every 6-8 months I would come back, try again, but to no avail. So finally for some random reason, my blog appeared this time around...yayay. So I'm back!!!

And it couldn't come at a better time, because I need to vent a bit, and what better place than my blog, right?

So Darnell and I got into-yet again-another argument, and I know if I get into the details of said argument its going to sound...er...read....dumb. But it's not the first argument we've had of that kind, and it's the principal of the thing. I will not tone myself down just because there's people in the room. If I want to kiss you or hug you, I'm going to do it regardless. It's not like I was trying to have sex, or do anything sexual. I missed him, I wanted to hug him and kiss him, and he doesn't seem to have a problem w/ that when we're by ourselves, or certain of HIS friends. But he seems to have a problem w/ it when it's my friends or other random people. It makes me feel like he's ashamed of something, and I don't like that feeling. I am who I am and I refuse to act otherwise. I happen to like a little PDA, and I think I've been more than accomodating. I try not to cling to him too much in public and when I kiss him I don't slip him any tounge because I know he's not that comfortable about PDA, but like I adjusted somewhat, I would hope he would as well. And he only does when Alex or Romeo are around (2 of his friends), but no one else. If he really wants to be my boyfriend he has to compromise, and I don't think my hugging him in front of Jeff is a big deal. So I ask u, what is he ashamed of???

Too much...too tired

A LOT has been going on...and I PROMISE I'll tell you guys about it...but not now :) I was over on Trish's blog (Writing, Reading and More, Oh My!: Celebrity look-alikes) and decided to steal something that she stole from someone else...haha....it's pretty cool.

Pretty boring

So I really don't have much to write about...cept that bitch of Alyssa (my ex best friend) looked at my myspace page again today...TWICE! Which pissed me off, and I sent her an email cursing her out, because obviously someone has to put her in her place, and I guess that someone is me. She honestly thinks she has a RIGHT to go to MY page, she needs to get over herself and find a damn hobby.

Anyways...incase you've missed it...I am OBSESSED w/ Bones...duh duh duh...and I posted a whole bunch of videos on my last blog, it was late so I didn't get to post as many as I wanted to..hehe...so I'm gonna post a couple more now...haha yes that IS the only reason why I came on. :D








Last weeks' episode...the BEST part




A whole bunch of clips from this week's episode...DAMN ANGELA!

Soooo tired

Yes I know, I'm a bad blogger chick..but I have an excuse I swear! I found an apartment that I fell in LOVE w/ and I moved out of my mom's house, so I didn't get cable or internet for a lil bit. And why??? Because Optimum is such a screwy service.
Anyways I don't really wanna get into those horrible details. I will say, me and my best friend Cassie moved in, it's nice, fun, interesting, overall I'm happy w/ the change.

On another note, this past week, I got an email from....*drum roll pleas*.....Jeff. What's that? You don't know who Jeff is...well let me remind you, Jeff would be my friend...the one that stood me up....the one I have a huge crush on. Yup you got it, that's the one. Well he randomly emails me saying 'Hey I'm back for like a month...so what's up?' And I'm over here like...huh? Back from where? And what kind of balls do you have to speak (write) in such a nonchalant tone?
So I said that to him...to some extent. I come to find out that he got tired of the daily commute from CT to NY (for school) and decided to stay w/ his siblings up in NY. He did not stay in touch w/ ANYBODY, not even his parents. He says he's really sorry...well what can I say? I can't stay mad at him I LIKE THE BOY...plus his birthday is tomorrow....awww.

Ok so again...being the moron I am....I'm spending my days and nights thinking of him. Especially the fact that I have my own place, my own room, and a nice queen sized bed :D Yup, I must admit my bed seems bigger, colder, and lonelier since he came back into the picture. I'm really at a loss for words. He's a great friend, and we get a long great, but he's not my type. So why do I like him so much?
Weird thing Cassie said to me....she said that when we were together we looked like we were TOGETHER...that was a lil unerving to tell you the truth...yet at the same time...well I kinda liked it. EEK! I'm so confused!

Oh well, lets move on to something else.....BONES! Did ANYBODY see yesterday's episode? It was AWESOME. First as a female that's head over heels in love w/ David Boreanaz (and only 20, so I still have that giddy teenege personality) Wow did he look YUMMY in those tighty whities...and lemme tell you, I've always been a fan of boxers, but I must say he changed my whole perspective. I don't know why but he looked better wearing that than when I got to see his naked booty in Buffy...you know when he came back from hell. But even though I was squealing and whatnot....after the WHOLE episode was over the ONLY thing that kept coming out of my mouth was 'Damn Angela' LOL...yup yup yup. That scene..not only was it well written, but the acting...omg, the responses they gave eachother, especially their eyes...I'm surprised I didn't burst into a million pieces, it was just one of those moments where ur saying OMG OMG OMG the whole time, while ur jaw keeps dropping lower and lower to the ground.

Well here are like a gazillion clips of Booth and Brennan stuff that I REALLY like...it's late so I can't post any more, lol...but I LOVE em all. :) Yes I know I'm obsessed

Wrote this down at work so I wouldn't forget (random thoughts)

I am truly a lazy person! Even with my writing (which is something I love to do) I'm lazy. I remember the comments my AP English teacher would leave on my papers my junior year of high school: 'You're such a good writer...but you're lazy on details. Stop being lazy and write them!'...Yup, that was Mrs. Schwartz for ya, never sugarcoated anything. She felt a special bond with that class, you see most of us (myself included) had her our freshman year for English. We were a very smart class, I know she liked that. I loved her very much, actually I've loved all of my English teachers :) even the temporary ones.

As I write this I find myself in awe yet again. It wasn't until recently that I realized how much I love to read and write, even now I'm not sure I truly know how much. It's been with me all my life, I've always done it, and I guess I've sort of taken it for granted.

I'm really hard on myself, really hard headed. I know that my lack of confidence has held me back tremendously, and I think I need to just take a leap of faith, and go for it! I would love to be a writer, I would love to get published, it's actually my new dream...my new goal in life. I would love to write romance, and young adult, and even a little poetry. My ultimate dream would be to get picked up by Harlequin, because I'm such a dork like that. But hey, it's a little bit more accessible than my old dream...Broadway.

I remember when my ultimate dream was to play Lucy in Jekyll & Hyde, and then I wanted to play Elphaba in Wicked. To tell you the truth, I would still love to do that last one. I'm such a fan of Idina Menzel. I usually sing something from Wicked or Rent when I'm in the shower :P But come on now...me? Broadway? Never! Oh sure I'm a great actress, that's the only thing in my life that I've owned up to, only thing I've felt confident of. I worked hard, I tore scenes apart, I built characters out of nothing. I'm a kick-ass actress :). My singing, well I think I'm an O.K singer, although I've had people compliment me left and right on my singing ability, I've still doubted myself. But I work hard, and I'm dedicated to singing so I can be good. Now this is where it gets tricky...dancing! I hate to dance, I have two left feet, and that's where I get screwed. I did take a dance class once, and I got the choreography faster than most people in the class. I also had a dance teacher come up to me and demand I take her African dance class...

Maybe I should have. Maybe if I stopped doubting myself long enough to actually try things...maybe if I wasn't so self conscience, or maybe if I wasn't such a coward, I could have been great! I sabotaged myself, and I have no one to blame but me. But not this time! I will not hold back, I'll write anything and everything, and I won't keep it locked in a journal. I'll show the whole world, I'll let them criticize me, and I'll learn, and grow as a writer! I mean, all my life, all of my English teachers have been telling me to write, to become a writer, and I think it's time I listen. I'm going to write my little heart out!

But I'm gonna need some help...I don't know where to begin, how do I got about it...do I need a college degree? Because I don't' have one, but dammit if I need one, I'll get one, I'll find the time to go to school...but what classes would I need to take? This is where I need help because I don't know how to go about it. Should I just enter contests? What do I do? What can I do? AGH...HELP!!! I'll be in a fetal position over in the corner if you need me...

Hmm

Yesterday was a really good day for me. It was weird, I hadn't even noticed at first. You see, I took one of my old journals to work w/ me, and I started flipping through, reading my old poetry...kind of wishing I could still write like that. And I stumbled upon my (in my opinion) best work. Which was the stuff I wrote after my best friend betrayed me (we're not gonna get into details, because frankly it's old news). Well it's been 2 1/2 years and let me tell you that I was not over it, I cried myself to sleep every night just thinking what I did to push her away. What happened? Well ususally if I read something that reminds me of her, I'll just fall into this really huge depressive state, and nobody can get me out. I basically cry for days without stopping. But I noticed after I read them, that the only thing on my mind was how I wish I could be that good of a writer again...and then it hit me: It didn't affect me like it usually did, and I haven't cried myself to sleep in weeks! Slowly but surely I got over it, and as it dawned on me, my face slowly stretched into the biggest smile that I've had in YEARS...and the best part is I suddenly felt like writing...so I did...and this is the end result.

Beginning Again

I write this with a smile of hope
A glimpse of the future
And maybe my happiness.
A look back I took
Of all my worst moments
Neither shame nor embarrasment
Covered my face
No tears of sadness
No thoughts of regret
I can safely say
That I'm O.K
The day is brighter
The sky is lighter
Things will be O.K
No more wishing for clocks to turn back
No more crying in bed in the dark
I am whole again
And I rejoice the rebirth of Jen