Bipolar Heart

Some days I'm not sure if I should continue my relationship. It's very complicated to explain...but I'll try.

I love my boyfriend...

There are days where he makes me feel special, loved, he sees me for who I am and loves me. He thinks my quirks are adorable. He thinks I'm amazing. We have the funniest arguments - like him wanting a corgi named Potato.

But then then there are times where I feel like I'm not a priority in his life. I uproot my entire schedule, just so I can be available/awake for when he calls me on his way to work. But he can't even shoot me a text to let me know he isn't working and instead goes to sleep and leaves me awake waiting for a call that never comes, when it's 2 hours past my bedtime.

I had an entire month off work, and we didn't see each other, not once.

For most of my break I was dealing with a bout of depression (the holidays man...). I tried to talk to him about it, and he pretty much told me to get out of the house. Now he's dealing with depression, and I know he wanted me to say something to make him feel a little better (like I have in the past), but I didn't. I couldn't. I was angry and annoyed. He wants me to do/say wonderful things, but in my time of need he wasn't giving me the support I needed. Why should I give it to him?

When I told him about me feeling like I wasn't a priority, he pretty much told me that I knew going into this relationship that he didn't have much free time. And yes that's true. But since getting (back) together, he has added more things to his life and I keep getting lower and lower on his list.

After our conversation, I decided that I needed to focus on my life and my extracurriculars and if/when I have spare time, then he can have that. That's essentially what he does, so I'll do it too and maybe that way I'll feel less like I'm not a priority.

And it's been working. But I can tell that he doesn't like that we hardly talk anymore. I'm not going out of my way to stay up past my bedtime. So it'll be days before we talk again. And now that I'm back at work (and will be working overtime...a post for another time), it's going to get even more hectic for us to talk.

I'm already getting defensive about the inevitable conversation when he brings up the fact that we hardly talk.

Am I being petty? Probably. But I want us to be on equal footing.

I just don't know how this will all play out. And some days I feel like the best thing for us is to break up. Maybe my original thinking was right - maybe we did miss our chance to be together. Maybe we're hanging on to what could have been, but is impossible now.