Feeling Myself

When part 3 of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina came out, NYX dropped this AMAZING Sabrina eye shadow palette and sets of lipsticks. I absolutely fell in LOVE with the palette and I needed to have it.

Of course it sold out the same day and I was shit outta luck. But luckily, that was only the online launch. They did a store launch at ULTA the following Sunday, and I took a break in the middle of the day to go get it.

It was sold out. 😧

But then the best bestie anyone could have (MY BFF) drove to the ULTA in York and bought the last one they had. Then drove back down to Lancaster, and dropped it off for me at work.

I cried, I'll admit it. I wanted that palette soooo badly! And since then, I've been doing my makeup for work.

On the one hand, it's a little uncomfortable having people give me compliments and mention my face. I'm not used to the (positive) attention, and I feel more visible. On the other hand, I loooove these colors and I like the way they look on me, and I like the way they make me feel. I am definitely more confident. And also, it kinda serves as armor, and I feel I can be more assertive with people at work - something I've been wanting to do, because I feel like as a supervisor they don't usually take us that seriously. But since I started wearing makeup, I think I'm getting better results from the team I supervise.

I've been having to wake up earlier to get it done, but I have a nice routine going and I definitely feel more adult. LOL. I did say I wanted to be more "grown up" this year since I just turned 34. Hopefully I can keep this up and I don't stop.

Its magic...

Work Work Work Work Work

I'm exhausted ya'll! I've been working a lot. Definitely the opposite of my desired position as Lady of Leisure.

Plus side, this week's check is gonna be nice. I have 23 hours of OT. 👯 I already have most of the paycheck planned, and I should have enough left over to maybe get my hair dyed. Finally getting around to it. I've been saying for over a year that I want my hair rose brown. I can't wait to get it done. I also can't wait to get rid of all these grays. Something I thought I'd never say. #hypocrite

Anyway, because of all the hours I've been working, I haven't had a chance to write. I wanted to try to get some writing in on Sunday morning, but there were technical difficulties with the printer at work and so I couldn't print my WIP out.

I need a break...LOL.

Semi-Productive Weekend

After working 9 days, I got 2 days off and it was wonderful! Though it went way too fast.

I decided a few weeks ago that I wanted to get back to writing, and I really wanted to continue working on one of my YA paranormals from a few years ago. Thing is, I'm super disorganized, and so I had the story I was writing, and character sheets, important plot points, etc. scattered all over from USB drives, to laptop files, to random notebooks. So this weekend I decided to find them all and put them in one spot - so I can then transfer them to my new Dabble account. I'm really looking forward to trying Dabble out. I'm hoping it'll help me get a little bit more organized.

Anywho, I was able to accomplish that small task. Even with Chilling Adventures of Sabrina dropping this weekend. Yay me!

I also did most of my laundry, and started working on my pen pal letters. I have at least 2 that need responding. And I would like to send one to Kandise soon as possible too. I also painted a new pin board, AND binge watched Sabrina. All in all, I think it was a good weekend.

Eternal Work

I was having a lovely month off work (yay for working for a college), but I was dreading coming back. I knew once I got back that the bullshit was gonna ensue. And I was right. Long story short, almost everyone that works front of house is broken - accidents, surgeries, re-injuries, etc. Since we are short staffed to begin with, this really puts us in a tight spot. Which is why I'm on day 8 of work. Thankfully though, I'm getting this Friday and Saturday off.

I wasn't sure if I would have a day off until today.

On the one hand, I'm super tired, and even though I just had a month off, I need another vacation. Haha. I hate working so many days. I'm lazy. My body gets tired. I don't have time or energy to do anything (like writing, which I'm trying to get back to).

On the other hand, the OT will be nice. I still need to pay off my cruise and pay for a passport. I'm going to Zenkaikon in March and would like some money to spend in the Artist Alley (I need piiiiins).

But I'm really glad to be getting those days off. Now lets see what happens next week. How many days will I work? Will I have a day off? Only time will tell!

All In My Head???

So after my last post, I spoke to Darnell on the phone. And to tell you the truth, everything seemed fine. We talked, joked around, and then we hung up. He didn't seem bothered by me not being available all week...so maybe I was just in my head. Maybe I was being codependent (I definitely was) but now that I caught myself, I fixed the problem and everything seems ok.

It's a little hard for me sometimes. I keep expecting things to go back to the way they were, and that scares me. I guess I still don't fully trust that he's not that same person anymore. Hopefully over time, I will learn to 100% let go of the past.

Darnell

Lisa's comment on my last post gave me pause. She's right, I'm being codependent. The sad thing is, I didn't even notice.

I've had this blog for a long time, and when I went to add Darnell's name to my labels, it auto completed. Of course I've written about him in the past! So I looked through my old posts and read every entry that mentioned him...and it broke my heart.

There wasn't a single entry where I shared a nice story about him. They were all about how mean he was, how horrible he treated me, ho much he made me cry.

The last (old) entry where I mentioned him was written a few days before I finally cute all ties with him. And here I am, 11 years later...

Am I back where I was?

He's not the same person he used to be - at least that's what I think. He doesn't say any of the awful things I wrote about in the past. He goes to therapy now (this therapist has told him he's codependent). But our relationship is just starting again and I'm already in some sort of inner turmoil. Will he eventually revert back to saying the things he used to say? Because it's not like he said them on day 1. I would never knowingly start a relationship with someone that was so mean to me. It was a gradual change.

Maybe it's happening already.

I just don't understand the hold he has over me. I've never been in another romantic relationship where I was codependent. But my relationships after Darnell have been so lackluster. I always felt like I was phoning it in. They always complained I wasn't as committed as they were. They complained about me being emotionally distant. I thought there was something wrong with me. I wanted love, but felt bothered by the men I was seeing.

And then Darnell showed up out of the blue after 10 years, and our conversations were intelligent, witty, passionate. We talked about things - politics, philosophical views, video games, anime, etc. It felt good. I no longer felt like a zombie - half alive, going through the motions. I flourished. I became more confidant in my day to day life.

Is it bad that I don't want to give that up?

I enjoy his company. I enjoy our conversations.

But Lisa, I have a question: Is it really being codependent if we're in a long-distance relationship? Because that's why I was switching my schedule around to match his - we don't see each other often, we live in different states. Our phone calls are all we really have. It wasn't my intention to be codependent. I was just trying to navigate through this long distance journey that is new to me.

Not matter how old I get, I still need your guidance, friend. :)

Bipolar Heart

Some days I'm not sure if I should continue my relationship. It's very complicated to explain...but I'll try.

I love my boyfriend...

There are days where he makes me feel special, loved, he sees me for who I am and loves me. He thinks my quirks are adorable. He thinks I'm amazing. We have the funniest arguments - like him wanting a corgi named Potato.

But then then there are times where I feel like I'm not a priority in his life. I uproot my entire schedule, just so I can be available/awake for when he calls me on his way to work. But he can't even shoot me a text to let me know he isn't working and instead goes to sleep and leaves me awake waiting for a call that never comes, when it's 2 hours past my bedtime.

I had an entire month off work, and we didn't see each other, not once.

For most of my break I was dealing with a bout of depression (the holidays man...). I tried to talk to him about it, and he pretty much told me to get out of the house. Now he's dealing with depression, and I know he wanted me to say something to make him feel a little better (like I have in the past), but I didn't. I couldn't. I was angry and annoyed. He wants me to do/say wonderful things, but in my time of need he wasn't giving me the support I needed. Why should I give it to him?

When I told him about me feeling like I wasn't a priority, he pretty much told me that I knew going into this relationship that he didn't have much free time. And yes that's true. But since getting (back) together, he has added more things to his life and I keep getting lower and lower on his list.

After our conversation, I decided that I needed to focus on my life and my extracurriculars and if/when I have spare time, then he can have that. That's essentially what he does, so I'll do it too and maybe that way I'll feel less like I'm not a priority.

And it's been working. But I can tell that he doesn't like that we hardly talk anymore. I'm not going out of my way to stay up past my bedtime. So it'll be days before we talk again. And now that I'm back at work (and will be working overtime...a post for another time), it's going to get even more hectic for us to talk.

I'm already getting defensive about the inevitable conversation when he brings up the fact that we hardly talk.

Am I being petty? Probably. But I want us to be on equal footing.

I just don't know how this will all play out. And some days I feel like the best thing for us is to break up. Maybe my original thinking was right - maybe we did miss our chance to be together. Maybe we're hanging on to what could have been, but is impossible now.

2020

Hello old friend. It's been a while.

A lot (and nothing) has happened in the last a year or so. I'm not here to talk about that though. I'm here to help me sort out this new year.  The things I want to do. The things I want to accomplish. My hopes, my obstacles.

So I dust off this blog. Let's see how much I use it this year.