Darnell

Lisa's comment on my last post gave me pause. She's right, I'm being codependent. The sad thing is, I didn't even notice.

I've had this blog for a long time, and when I went to add Darnell's name to my labels, it auto completed. Of course I've written about him in the past! So I looked through my old posts and read every entry that mentioned him...and it broke my heart.

There wasn't a single entry where I shared a nice story about him. They were all about how mean he was, how horrible he treated me, ho much he made me cry.

The last (old) entry where I mentioned him was written a few days before I finally cute all ties with him. And here I am, 11 years later...

Am I back where I was?

He's not the same person he used to be - at least that's what I think. He doesn't say any of the awful things I wrote about in the past. He goes to therapy now (this therapist has told him he's codependent). But our relationship is just starting again and I'm already in some sort of inner turmoil. Will he eventually revert back to saying the things he used to say? Because it's not like he said them on day 1. I would never knowingly start a relationship with someone that was so mean to me. It was a gradual change.

Maybe it's happening already.

I just don't understand the hold he has over me. I've never been in another romantic relationship where I was codependent. But my relationships after Darnell have been so lackluster. I always felt like I was phoning it in. They always complained I wasn't as committed as they were. They complained about me being emotionally distant. I thought there was something wrong with me. I wanted love, but felt bothered by the men I was seeing.

And then Darnell showed up out of the blue after 10 years, and our conversations were intelligent, witty, passionate. We talked about things - politics, philosophical views, video games, anime, etc. It felt good. I no longer felt like a zombie - half alive, going through the motions. I flourished. I became more confidant in my day to day life.

Is it bad that I don't want to give that up?

I enjoy his company. I enjoy our conversations.

But Lisa, I have a question: Is it really being codependent if we're in a long-distance relationship? Because that's why I was switching my schedule around to match his - we don't see each other often, we live in different states. Our phone calls are all we really have. It wasn't my intention to be codependent. I was just trying to navigate through this long distance journey that is new to me.

Not matter how old I get, I still need your guidance, friend. :)