Are We Friends?

Living in a different state than 98% of your friends is hard. Especially when that includes your best friends. You don't get to see them nearly as often as you would like. You can't just call out of the blue because you're bored and invite them over or just go over to their place. And when you're going through hard times and you want to be with them you can't because you're 3-6 hours away.

That really sucks.

What sucks even more though, is coming to the realization that maybe some of your friends don't care as much as you thought they did. I've been re-evaluating a lot of my friendships lately and it's left me hurt - to say the least. And I'm having a hard time with one relationship in particular.

I will not use any names, because this post isn't meant to insult anyone or put anyone on the spot. This is just a way to get my scattered thoughts down, and hopefully it helps me with what I'm feeling.

Anyway, this one particular friendship is a very complicated one. We have a bit of a messy history; I always thought that despite (or because of) our history we have become better and closer friends. Now that we have distance between us, and we haven't seen each other in a long time, I'm beginning to doubt our closeness.

This friend is almost never in contact with me. I always make contact with them first. The only times they make contact first (if it can even be called that) is when they like one of my Facebook statuses. When we do talk, it's through text. Now, I don't really have a problem with that because I hate talking on the phone...but I would once in a while like to hear their voice. Also, we don't talk about anything when we do text. It's like pulling teeth to try to get them to tell me what's going on in their life.

We made plans to see each other so we could catch up and talk. I really needed to talk to them, I was going through so much in my life and this was the person I was usually able to confide in 100%. Things beyond our control happened and we couldn't meet up. But we could have rescheduled, we had time, they had free time, and they didn't. They knew how badly I needed to see them and they didn't even bother to reschedule or at the very least call me so we could talk on the phone even if we couldn't see each other in person.

That really hurt. Even when I'm far away, I think about them; I make sure to periodically check in on them. I mail birthday and Christmas presents...I make an effort, and they don't. It made me feel so alone. Like our friendship was a sham. And then I started doubting our whole relationship.

What if they were friends with me to get to someone else? Because they had romantic feelings for one of my other friends who was always with me. What if our whole friendship was just a way for them to get to this other friend? They eventually ended up together...and they broke up...so I guess they don't need to keep up pretenses with me anymore and pretend that we're such good friends.

So that's what's been on my mind. Was our whole friendship a lie? Was it just a means to an end? Because it's starting to feel that way. Lately it feels like I've been betrayed by a lot of people in my life, and I'm tired of it. Too tired to even confront this person. Why bother? They'll just either lie about it or tell me that I'm right which won't change anything.

I'm just going to take a step back and see what happens. I'm not going to try to reach out. If they're really my friend they'll reach out to me eventually. If they're not...then I guess we won't be speaking to each other anymore.