Emotional Rollercoaster

So besides all the crap that's been happening these last couple of days...I have more things going on today to make my head spin. One minute I'm super sad, the next I'm ok, not happy, but laughing and whatnot. Why? Well I wont get into the stuff from these last couple of days, I'll just stick with today.

1. Today is my nephew's first birthday. YAY! He's so cute, I can't believe he's already one. My brother made him a cake, and OMG it was freaking YUMMY.

2. It's Jeff's birthday as well. 22, you go Jeffers. He came over last night and we were watching some anime, and then me, him and Virginia started watching porn. It was fun. I should call him though, since he has no plans...I kinda wanna see more of that anime :P

3. Virginia left this morning (back to New Jersey). *Sighs* I'm not going to see her again for a while. She's moving to Colorado in October and wont be back for 10 months. That hurts my heart, she's my best friend, my sister. What am I going to do without her? This is going to be so hard not having her around.

4. Last, but not least, today is the anniversary of my grandma's death. I can't believe it's been 4 years since Tata died. I remember when I found out: I was away at school, and it was Wednesday night. I was over at Cram & Jam doing a little homework and enjoying the live performance of Eric Himan, when my roomie (Jen) tells me I missed a call from my mom. So I borrow her cell and I call her back. I didn't believe her at first, how could I? This was Tata, I spoke to her a few weeks before and she was fine. I went back inside in a trance, and Eric Himan started to sing The Outskirts of You, and I broke. I broke so hard. I started to cry, and I couldn't stop. This was Tata, my Tata, the person who I loved the most in this world. She was such a huge influence in my life, I'm the person I am today, partly because of her. My love of old t.v. shows, my love for board games, and card games (she taught me to play Uno, Old Maid, Parcheesi), she taught me how to speak english. She was my roomate for a long time growing up. I never saw her being gone, I thought she'd be around for ever. (That sounds dumb, but it's true) It was a hard night for me, but everyone was really nice and supporting. Eric Himan came up to me after his set and asked if I was ok (he saw me crying earlier), he was really nice, he autographed a cd for me. Everytime I hear The Outskirts of You (which is a beautiful song) I think of Tata. At first I couldn't listen to it without crying, buy now I can, it makes me miss her so much, but it also helps me remember all the good memories. Which is why I'm listening to it now

Ok, enough of that, now we all know why I'm on this rollercoaster of emotional baggage.

"Bite Me" LOL

Hmm...
Dark.
Scrumptious.
Sinful.
Immortal.
I bathe in your shadow,
under the moon's soft glow.
Waiting for a glimpse of your eternal soul
A soul so black
I cower in fear...
And delight
At all the possibilites you arise within me.

I wait with bated breath
Neck exposed
For the feel,
The thrill
Of your cold merciless fangs
As they rip through my flesh,
And take hold of my essence.

And all I do
Is whimper in anticipation
As I see the blood of the innocent
Drip heedlessly onto the ground
As I become one with the night.

Coming out of hiding

I decided to blog tonight, not because I had anything to say, but because I've been kind of hiding. I've been on blogger reading other people's blog, leaving comments, but I haven't taken the time to catch you guys up on what's going on with me.

My weekend in Penn. was ok, I guess. Not as horrible as I expected, my aunt was on her best behavior, haha. She even found me on myspace and sent me a friend request :s. My mom and I got into at least 3 arguments, mind you we must have spent an accumulative 3-4 hours together that weekend. That just proves we are not meant to live in the same state. Needless to say, I was glad to be back in CT at the end of the weekend. Too much family, too much of my mother, too many huge bugs.

I'm having problems with Darnell, as always. Though I don't know what his problem is exactly, I think it may have something to do with the fact that I kicked him out of my bedroom last night when Bones was about to start. Well excuse me if I want to watch my favorite show in peace, with no interruptions, no stupid comments about how it's a dumb show, or how I'm obsessed with David Boreanaz, no snickering. If he would have just said he was going to be on his best behavior, I wouldn't have kicked him out, but he couldn't even do that, he just started laughing. So he grabbed his keys and headed back to work, now he refuses to answer my phone calls. Whatever, I'm so sick of this. Makes me realize that there are a lot of problems between us, that are not new, that were in fact, there 3 years ago when we dated.

And that makes me lonely, not because he's being a big baby (even though according to him I'M the big baby), but because I feel like I'm never going to find that guy. I'm 22 years-old and I've only had 2 official boyfriends my entire life, and both those relationships last 3 months. What is so wrong with me that I can't attract a nice guy. I'm not saying Darnell isn't a good person, he is, he helps people out when they need him, no questions asked, no matter how big a favor is, if he can do it he will. But he can be really mean sometimes, and it hurts my feelings, and then I get accused of being over emotional, and I'm told I'm overreacting. I just wish he wasn't so damn bipolar with me, I wish he wouldn't push me away, I wish we could go 1 week without getting into a fight, I wish he didn't make me cry so much-like I'm crying now. Because he can be so sweet sometimes, but he has this thing where he wants everything done his way. Like we only have sex when HE wants, or he'll only let me kiss him if HE feels like it. It's ok for him to not want to talk to me because he wants to sleep instead, or for him to call me as many times as he wants. But when I call him twice a day, I'm called clingy. I can't say I miss him, or that I want to see him. But he called me this past weekend to tell me to spend the weekend at his house because he wanted to cuddle.

So it's ok when HE says it's ok, but I can't say anything. I'm sorry but I don't operate that way. I'm not saying I don't get clingy, because I do sometimes but I don't have split personalities where one minute I'm all over him and then the next I'm annoyed because he's there all the time and blah blah blah. Forget it, I'm ranting, and I'm confused, and I don't know what to do with myself.

And for the record, I'm NOT sorry I kicked him out of my room for Bones because it was an AWESOME EPISODE!

After 4 years, back to Penn

Friday, eek! Usually I'm happy when Friday arrives, it means the weekend, no waking up early to go to work. But this Friday-although I still don't work-is not a happy day. Let me explain...

My step-dad and I are driving to Pennsylvania tonight. My cousin's quinceanero (sweet 15) is Saturday afternoon and I promised her months ago that I would attend. A promise is a promise, right? Can't get out of it now, although I really want to. Why? Well, I love my cousin Christina very much, I'm just not too fond of the rest of my family. I know that sounds horrible, but what can I say? I have to lie and pretend that I'm close to them, but I will not do so on my own blog!

Can you imagine that I'm the black sheep of the family? I am...or maybe I should say I'm the white sheep? :D Either way, we're complete opposites (that includes my mom and brother as well). I love to read, they don't. I like astronomy, they think I'm stupid and crazy for staring up into the sky at night. I graduated from high school, none of them did. I don't smoke-anything-or do drugs, they all do. I've never been arrested or gone to jail, they all have. I've never been in a gang, they all have ('cept for my mom, I think). So as you can see, my family is made up of black sheep, and I'm the only white one in the bunch (well, me and Christina...thankfully).

I don't want anyone to think I'm being judgemental even though I'm coming across that way-because I'm really not. If that's the way they want to live their lives, they can, as long as they're happy, who am I to say otherwise, right? The problem is they judge me. They're constantly criticizing my lifestyle, or how I dress, or how I speak, or the fact that I'm 22 and haven't been "knocked up" yet when both my mom and aunt were pregnant with their firstborn at the age of 13.

Now, I'm a strong individual, I stand my ground, and I usually don't let petty things like that bother me. But this is my family, I grew up with them. There was a time when we all lived in the same house back in Puerto Rico. And I know family members tend to criticize-it's not that out of the ordinary-but it's the way that they do it. They are vicious, they insult me to my face, and laugh about it. Then when I retreat to a quiet room by myself with a book to read, my aunt starts going around saying that I think I'm better than the rest of them, that I look down on them, and don't want to associate myself with them. Which of course is not true. I just wish they would leave me alone to live my life as I please, make my own mistakes. Just because we choose different lifestyles doesn't mean we can't find a common ground and get along. But when I try to say this they dismiss me, say I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, that I know nothing, and that's it.

So now do you see why I'm not T.G.I.F-ing? And why I'm dreading this trip?

Well that's all I've got to report on this end, I will be taking my laptop with me, just in case a fight ensues and I head for my motel room. Will they have internet? I don't know, but if they do, and I get a chance to come online, I'll report on the current progress of the-as I like to call-hellkend (hell weekend...get it?) :P

Too much Law & Order...and Sims 2

Hello everyone, I hope everyone had a good weekend, I guess I could say I did. I had a dream last night, I guess it was more of a nightmare, but I like nightmares (lol), they don't scare me. It was about "Law & Order: SVU" which I happen to LOVE. I got into it about a year ago, and I've been hooked since, and if you have cable, you know that this summer on USA all they did was give "SVU" (and the occasional "Criminal Intent") marathon. I can safely say that I saw every "SVU" marathon this summer. And now I can also say that I've been watching too much "Law & Order", my dream was pretty much a new "SVU" episode that my mind conjured up, this is what I remember of it:

A little girl got raped and kidnapped, and Benson and Stabler were in charge of the investigation (of course), and they start running ideas w/ eachother about the person that might have done it, and they come up w/ a good-if vague-idea of who commited the crime. Benson later goes back to the little girl's house to talk to her mother, when she discovers a drop of blood that the tech. team missed, so she takes a sample of it, and then hears someone coming into the house. (Now at this point I'm Olivia) So I hide in one of the bedrooms-I guess to catch the perpetrator-but when I was about to bust him, I paused in fear. At that moment I did not know why. But then it fades to black (tooooo much tv time lol) and when it reconvenes (I guess after a commercial break) Benson and Stabler are at the girl's school (now I'm Stabler btw) and Olivia informs us that while we were looking for someone from the school before, now we have evidence that shows that while it's still someone from the school, it's actually one of her classmates that took her. So they brought Dr. Huang over to do a profile, and he said that the boy we were looking for was seriously disturbed (duh), had been physically abused, and showed an interest to sadomasochism that he just could not hide. Another commercial break, and then Stabler (still me) is laying in bed sleeping, and he has a prophetic dream. It flashes in front of his eyes as quick images, of first a little boy, then the little boy w/ bloody hands, then he's holding a bloody knife, and finally a look of glee. Stabler wakes up, and so do I. :P

Yup, that was my dream, maybe tonight I'll finish the episode, haha.

Now on for the second part of my blog title...Sims 2, yes I have come to the realization that I have played too much Sims, and this is why. Today at work, I was simming (playing Sims) and my Sim had all these wants that I wasn't fulfilling because I was forcing her to study and gain skill points, which she didn't want to do, BUT I was thinking about her lifetime goal (her aspiration) and in order to make her TRULY happy, I had to forgo her current wants. And then it hit me: Duh Jen, if YOU want to reach YOUR aspiration, you must forgo the things that you currently want, and start thinking about the bigger picture. So I shut off my Sims game (:'( wuahh) and worked on my writing. And that's when I know I've simmed too much, when I learn valuable lessons from it.

Last Couple of Days

*Sighs* Where to begin...

The concert was awesome!!! I always forget that Pat Benatar sounds so much better live (if that's even possible, which it is) I didn't want the night to end, and the opening act was pretty good too (Linsay Rush).

Ok, so let me rewind to this past Saturday (when I got my cute cute dress), I wrote on my previous blog (or the one b4 that, I can't remember) that some-not so good-stuff happened. Well I'm not going to get into MUCH detail, I will say however that it involves Darnell (what a shocker). I don't know what his problem is, but he was distant since he picked me and my friends up, then he was cold, then when I asked him what he tought of my dress he said it was "fine" and when I asked him if that was it, just fine, he shrugged and walked out the store, and got into his car. After I finished shopping, and we headed to the car, I asked him why he left and he said I was being "annoying". Well it really hurt my feelings...more than hurt my feelings actually, but whatever, he was like this for the rest of the weekend.

Mind you, I'm so sick of his deal, I have enough issues with myself as it is, I don't need him to give me a new complex. So I've just been keeping my distance, and out of the blue he calls me yesterday to see how I am, and to see what I've been up to, blah blah blah. Ok here's the deal: He acts like such a mean jerk, and then doesn't talk to me for a few days until I've "cooled down" and then calls me and pretends like he wasn't an asshole, and I'm supposed to just sit here and take it? Oh no no no, he forgets who he's dealing with, just because I've tolerated it for the last few months doesn't mean that I'll continue to do so. I'm the type of person that tries things out, and can admit that sometimes I can be in the wrong, but once I've hit my limit, all bets are off. Mr. Leo is in for a rude awakening because this Capricorn is fed up. So I talked to him yesterday, but kept my answers short, and didn't ask him anything. And he called me again today to ask me to dinner, and I told him I was relaxing in a mumu (sp?). I'm going to give him a taste of his own medicine, and just how he throws it in my face that I'll miss him eventually and come crawling back...that's how I'm gonna play things, and he WILL miss me.

Season premiere of Gossip Girl was Monday, and it was really good. I'm glad Serena and Dan are back together. Leighton Meester's hair is lighter which is cute, but I prefer her w/ darker hair.

Bones' 2 hour premiere was yesterday, and it was orgasmic! Funny, funny, cute, funny (lol) and sad. I cannot believe Hudgens and Angela broke up! They finally get her husband to sign the divorce papers and then everything goes downhill. I can't help but to blame Cam for that, and for the record I KNEW she was going to sleep w/ him... "Can I get a ride to the airport?" HAHA! that's my new pick up line :) (Too bad I never need an actual ride to the airport, since I never go anywhere)

I'm sure I also mentioned before that I got the anthology in the mail (the one I won over at Something Wicked) and I read Cynthia Eden's story first (Spellbound) and it was soooo super good!!! She had me at a witch named Serena lol. Yesterday I finished "Turn Me On" by Noelle Mack, and it was so super good as well. I really like her imagination, I loved her idea, and I'm looking forward to reading more of her stuff (guess that means I need to take a trip to the bookstore soon).

I guess that's all I've got to report...it's all I can think of, sorry but this whole Darnell thing has got me super upset, I'm not getting much sleep, and when I DO sleep I have bad dreams of him. I haven't even worked on my novel (man I'm never gonna get that done)...Truth be told, I don't think I CAN do it, how in the heck am I supposed to write 50,000 words!? I'm nowhere near that, I'm at like 5,000. I swear, I just don't have the discipline, I need a good smack in the face. Argh!