Nice or Foolish?

There's been something that's been bothering me for a while now. My mother. Of course there are many things about my mother that bother me, hehe. She seems to always be an issue in my life; but recently the issue has changed.

Before, I was always struggling with the emotional scars she left. I struggle with my confidence, with the need to be accepted and loved for who I am and not who she wanted me to be. I struggled with the resentment that I had; there were times where just looking at her filled me with such hate. Even now, she'll say things and they'll piss me off because she has a skewed version of the past. She constantly victimizes herself and blames her childhood and upbringing for the mistakes she made while raising me. A lot of it I feel is bullshit because the way she remembers things aren't usually how things went down. Whatever her reasons or motivations, I have learned not to hold on to the negative feelings. Yes, I still feel them, but I do not dwell on them. My mother and I are in a much better place.

That being said, she still annoys the hell out of me. We are still currently living together, and it's a nightmare. I miss the years that I lived on my own. We are just too different, and she is too pigheaded. She doesn't know how to compromise. It's irritating.

My mom is still young, she's only 47, but because of how hard she worked and how hard she abused her body (drugs, alcohol, constant beatings from her boyfriends) she's not in the best shape. Her English is bad, and she doesn't have the proper education - she never finished high school. It is getting harder and harder for her to find a decent job. Her attitude and mouth don't help either (damn pride). So now she's killing herself working and isn't making that much money.

The plan was for us to work so we could get ourselves situated financially. I had to leave school because I couldn't afford it, and we're like 4 months behind on rent. The landlord has been super kind with us, but unfortunately he needs to get paid. We have till the end of the year to come up with the money or he's going to have to do something. I'm working 40 hours a week, but my mom isn't. This last check she only got paid about $150, maybe. We have to make car payments or else they shut off the car and then we can't get to work. Our utilities are up to date now, but we're going to have to stop paying them to try to pay off the rent which is more important. After we get everything paid, I'm planning on moving out. My best friend Ashley is moving to PA from CT so we could be live together again how we used to. I know that with my paycheck alone I can do ok; and with Ashley living with me and us splitting the cost of everything, we'll be good.

But what about my mom? There is no way that she'll be able to pay rent, her car, utilities, etc. with what she's making a week. It's impossible! I don't want her to struggle. I don't want her to have to live in an efficiency room and share a bathroom with people...

I've told her that I would talk to Ashley about all 3 of us moving in together. We could find a 3 bedroom apartment. There are a lot that have 2 bedrooms in one floor and 1 single bedroom in a different floor. My mom can have the lone bedroom to give herself more privacy.

She doesn't like that idea at all. Because we're so different, and because I'm young; she doesn't want to get in the way or be a burden. And she doesn't want to feel burdened by us, like if we wanted to play loud music when she's trying to sleep.

I understand that, 100%. The idea of having to deal with my mom gives me a headache. We would argue about everything; how to decorate, what to cook, how to clean - we already do! But how can I leave her? How can I go home every night to my nice apartment and hang out with my friends and have fun and live my life, go to concerts or restaurants, or the casino...when my mom is struggling financially? When she's getting shut-off notices and has to pay for her medication...how can I leave her like that?

Yes, I can give her whatever money I have leftover after paying bills...but I can help her a lot more if we all lived together. We would all pay less money on bills if things were split 3 way, and we would all have more money leftover; so if she needed money, I would have a lot more to give her.

I can just imagine what Lisa would say about this if she read it - You need to make your own life, you can't help her forever, this is how she manipulates you...
But she's my mom. Whether I like it or not, she's my family. Maybe 5 years ago, I could have just left her to deal with her problems by herself. But not now, not anymore. She's changed, I've changed, our relationship has changed. Because I'm not holding on to my resentment and hatred of her, I can't purposely abandon her. I can't not care. The thought of what might happen to her sickens me. She has too much pride, and I know she would rather live in her car or go to a shelter than ask for my help. That's not what you do when you have a family, when you have kids. The only shot I have of convincing her is now, while we're still living together. Once I move out, she's going to hide things from me. She won't tell me just how bad she's doing until it's too late.

But like I said before, she refuses the idea. She won't even think about it. I'm not going to put my life on hold for her; Ashley is my family. Living with my best friend gave me that feeling of family that I've always looked for. I will not let anyone stand in the way of my family...but I can't abandon her. I can't choose one over the other.

I don't know what to do, or how to resolve this.

NaNo Failure

So it's been a month since I last blogged. Everyone probably thought I was busy getting my word count in for NaNo. Sadly, that is not the case. I didn't even make it to 5k. :(

They say that the ability to write is like a muscle and I've never been as aware of that as I was last month. I remember when I used to blog every day, when I would work on my erotic series, and participate in all sorts of writerly things. About two years ago, I decided to put everything on hold to pursue my theater dreams...now I am not going to get into the depressing details, but obviously things didn't work out. Anyway, it was foolish of me to think that after 2 years of not writing, that I would just pick up where I left off.

So the following are my excuses for not succeeding in NaNo this year:

1. I'm rusty. I couldn't make the words come out, and this wasn't me trying to edit as I wrote...I just couldn't form the story.

2. My story idea, though excited as I was to write, did not speak to me. Or I should say, my characters did not speak to me. I need my characters to talk to me, otherwise things become really difficult. They did not speak, not once. I think I wrote what I did just because I brainstormed and was genuinely excited with the idea.

3. The Sims 3 Seasons expansion pack came out in November. Now we all know my obsession with The Sims. I tried really hard to keep it at bay, and I think I did rather well. But at the end of the day, that was 1 hour a day that I could have been writing.

4. I got sick. I felt shitty! I slept the majority of my time.

5. I was (re)training for an account at work. When I got home from work, feeling under the weather as I was, I just didn't feel like doing anything.

6. I had to transition between my 8 a.m - 6:30 p.m shift to my new 7:15 p.m - 9:15 a.m. schedule. It took a minute to re-adjust myself.

and those are my excuses. But I can't dwell, or at least I refuse to dwell. I know what I have to do - get back to writing. Slowly, I'll be where I used to be, and then I'll surpass that as well. So my goal for the rest of the year and the new year, is to write more. More often and more words. Blogs, replies, chats, stories, etc. I gotta work my writing muscle any way I can. :)