It's January 1st, 2012. A new year, new resolutions, new goals, new ambitions. All things I had at 12:00 a.m. By 12:01 however, most of them were gone.
Were you ever hopeful and excited about a new beginning, and then right as it's beginning, something just kills all that was good about it? Yeah, that's my new year. New year, same old shit. I should have probably warned readers that this was not a happy blog...well I'm warning you now; this is not a happy blog. If you don't want me to bring you down with my negativity, leave my blog and go play Cityville on Facebook. Now, where was I...oh yes; I have a sneaking suspicion that 2012 is gonna suck for me. I'm trying to be optimistic, honest! But it's just one thing after another.
I think it started on December 25th, my birthday, also known as Christmas. This year I turned 26 and I was having a hard time with it. Not because I'm feeling old, per se. But more because I'm this "old" and have not accomplished anything that I set out to do 5 or 10 years ago. I am not where I should be and it's depressing as hell! I spent the day on the couch watching Food Network, it was a lazy day, and I liked it. Until my uncle showed up. He was there less than 10 minutes, and by minute 5 I was already pissed off. My world does NOT revolve around money. I don't know how many times I have to explain to my family that I refuse to take a class for something I do not want to do just because it'll get me a higher paying job. I can't stand their mentality!!! They don't care if I'm miserable, as long as I make money and buy lots of shiny things that I can flaunt. Because that's how they are; they don't even realize how miserable they are at their jobs because they're so happy with their possessions. It fucking disgusts me. It's all about appearance for them and that is not who I am. I don't care if I'm poor as hell and can't afford a decent apartment, as long as I'm happy, I don't care. I want to have a career where I'll be happy doing what it is I'm doing. Nobody gets it. Thankfully, my dear friend Lisa Pietsch gave me the motivation I needed. She hyped me up for the new year. 2012 was OUR year!
And then December 31st came. I wanted to do something this year, because practically every year I'm home by myself. My mother is with me a lot of the times, but she's either drunk, and/or passed out, or too busy with her boyfriend, or just too busy period. So I always spent it alone in my room. This year I wanted to spend it with friends, either at a bar or at a party or wherever. Well I made plans with my friend Arielle, but our plans got cancelled (she's having a rough period in her life, and I do not blame her for anything). So now I'm stuck home because I can't find other plans. Other years where I've done this I've honestly not cared. I'm used to being by myself, I welcomed it most of the time. But this year I just felt so lonely. I hate feeling this way. It reminds me of my childhood. My mom came downstairs around 10 to tell me she was going to come down at 11 so we could watch a movie (her boyfriend had fallen asleep). I did not want to do this; we have different taste in movies, she likes to talk while I'm trying to watch the movie, and she smokes and then my eyes start burning and I can't see anything. But no worries, because as soon as she suggested it she took it back and said maybe she would just come down 5 minutes before midnight. I told her to do whatever she wanted. No use deciding to spend time with her since her boyfriend could wake up and then she would cancel anyway.
I had to do SOMETHING to get out of this funk. So I decided to make cupcakes. Arielle had given me a gourmet cupcake mix for my birthday and I was looking for an excuse to make them. So I go in the kitchen and get on baking mode. At 11:15 my mom comes down and starts interrogating me as to what I'm doing. When I tell her I'm baking cupcakes she gets offended because we were supposed to watch a movie. I mentioned that she's 15 minutes late and that the cupcakes were already in the oven and would be out in 15 minutes; then I had to wait for them to cool before I frosted them so we could watch TV. We decided to watch the ball drop, it started out okay enough, I took the cupcakes out when they were done and put them in the fridge to cool them quicker. Then things quickly spiraled out of control; she decided to go upstairs and wake up her boyfriend so he could come downstairs, I went to the kitchen to get the cupcakes out of the fridge and start making the icing, and the next thing I know, she's yelling to come to the living room, I'm telling her to wait a minute (because I'm measuring), she keeps yelling, and between me looking over my shoulder so I could listen to her and yell back at her I accidentally add too much water to my frosting and ruin it! Now I'm hell pissed and I tell her she made me ruin my frosting and she has the audacity to say, "So what? You're supposed to spend the last few minutes of the year with your family not in the kitchen." After some more yelling back and forth, she dismisses me back to the kitchen, and I tell her she had no business being downstairs to get her ass back upstairs, and then my phone starts going off with texts of people wishing me a happy new year. We argued right through the new year. What pisses me off the most is the fact that she THINKS she has a right to demand quality time with me. I have always been and will always be her last choice. She's making a big deal about spending it with me, because she had no other plans and didn't want to be by herself. Not because she actually WANTS to spend the new year with her daughter. I could have been her sister, or a neighbor. And that pisses me off most of all, that after all this time I'm still her last choice, no matter what she says about trying to do better and seeing all the bad decisions she has made over the years...she still continues to make one of the biggest mistakes.
I try to stay optimistic, I try not to let things bother me, but when this is how my life is constantly...you can't maintain a cheery demeanor with so much negative energy and negative events being dumped on you. You just can't. At the end of it all, I'm by myself in my room writing this blog feeling really lonely, and really missing my friends back in Connecticut. I already feel defeated, and doubt that this year will be any different than the one that just ended.
2 comments:
Cupcake, I've said it before and I'll say it again: You need Al Anon. It'll give you the tools, strength and support you need to be able to shield yourself from your mother's machinations. The way she manipulates you like this is part of her disease. The way it hurts you is part of yours. It doesn't have to be this way. I wish I could take you by the hand to a meeting so you could see how much better life can be. You're so much like me. You could have been MY daughter - and in my heart, you are.
As for ringing in the new year, I'm sorry yours started that way. If it makes you feel any better, I did it alone with a big old cry. Not just a couple of tears but big, gasping sobs.
No, after a good sleep and the light of day to refresh everything, I think we can look at the upside:
2011 was a huge, stinking, steaming pile of shit for us and we left it shouting in anger and crying in despair.
All 2012 has to do to make us feel better is just be kind. We aren't asking for a a million bucks - just some kindness.
At least we have each other. That's a good start for me. What do you say?
Thanks Lisa for your kind words. I'm sorry you spent the new years sobbing, that's the last thing I wanted you to do. I think you are a wonderful person and deserve so so much, I only wish I could make all your dreams come true. And you're right, we do have each other, and that helps. :) Love you.
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