I Miss You

So I'm still bummed about New Years...I think. All I know is that I'm feeling bummed out. I'm sad, and lonely, and just feel like crying. The only thing that's been on my mind is that I really miss Aly. I'm so tired of pretending like the feeling isn't there. When me and her stopped being friends, I was heartbroken, but I couldn't show it. At least not in public. I always felt like someone was talking about me, waiting for something bad to happen to me so they can revel in it. And when bad things happened to me, I just didn't want to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me hurt. So I always pretended like I didn't care, like nothing ever bothered me. That feeling made me angry, and so, even though I was hurting, I turned my pain into anger and didn't mourn properly. And then when Aly and I became friends again 3 years later, I had such high hopes for us; I kinda expected us to go back to the way things were, but that didn't happen. We were outta high school, but I still had that fear of people waiting for something bad to happen to me. It didn't help that my mom wasn't thrilled about us being friends again, and Aly's dad didn't want us to be friends either, and of course Will sure as hell didn't want her and I to be back on speaking terms. I was getting messages from people telling me to stay away from Aly, even though she was the one that said she wanted us to be friends again. As always, I was the bad guy; yet I wasn't the one that ended the friendship. What no one seemed to realize was that when Aly and I stopped being friends, she had her other good friends to support her, she had her family, she had Will and the support of his family. I had Cassie (that's not a good thing). I lost everything when I lost her, because she was my entire world. I was completely and utterly alone. So when the people around us weren't thrilled about our renewed friendship, it just pissed me off. I kept thinking, "It's not fair. Why do I have to keep suffering? Why am I the one that can't have her. I knew her better than almost everyone else around her, and I sacrificed more for her than everyone else around her, and yet I wasn't allowed to be part of her life?"

So even though we became friends again, it wasn't the same. Because no one in her life accepted me, we couldn't properly hang out. I wasn't part of her life, I felt like the other woman that she saw in secret. I didn't like it. But I didn't do anything about it, because what could I do? So we began to drift apart...again. I ended up moving to PA, and we became virtual friends. You know, those friends you have on FB that you don't really talk to but "like" their statuses every once in a while, and maybe even comment. That made me angry too. Because ever since I lost her, I wanted her back. I've spent 8 years trying to fill the void that she left and I haven't been able to. I saw her pics and how happy she is with all these people in her life, and how she obviously is just fine without me. And yet, I'm not fine, and I haven't been fine. And I couldn't admit that to myself because of my pride and not wanting to break down and show weakness in front of...anyone....because I felt everyone was my enemy. I couldn't truly say and truly mean the words, "I miss you" until now. I finally opened that door and all of my thoughts are consumed by this one little person and how much she meant to me. How much she still means to me.

I was completely alone before she came along, and when I lost her I was alone again. And I'm still alone, even though we've put things behind us. We recently had another talk and I told her most of the things I've said here, and we've promised to try to get back what we had because she misses me too. I want that to happen, I know it's not going to be easy, and I'm scared that we're gonna fail. I'm putting so much hope into this and I'm afraid of what will happen to me if we don't make it. Especially now that I've opened that door and admitted just how much I care for her. I miss her almost every minute. When something good or exciting happens, I want to share it with her. When I'm bored, I want to do something with her. When I'm upset the only person I want to talk to is her. I hate that we're not where I want us to be. And I'm mad that we're so far away from each other. I want to be able to pick up the phone and call her and make plans to do something in a few hours or in a day or two. I want to be able to leave the house and just go over to her place and see if she's home.

I just needed to get some of this off my chest. Everyone has been trying to cheer me up because of what happened yesterday and they're only making things worse. The more they try, the more I miss Aly, because I know she's the only one that can cheer me up. If I could just see her for a few hours, I know that my mood would be completely lifted. Instead I'm just left missing her even more.