Still going at it

I haven't quit, ya'll!!! Although, I've wanted to...I'm too lazy for my own good. But that helped me keep motivated. I figure, maybe if I lose weight, I won't feel as lazy...right?

Today was another upper body weight day. I don't hurt - yet. I'm still eating tomatoes...they're growing on me. I don't "like" them, but I can tolerate them better.

My mood has slightly improved since the last post. I'm not getting that many Barco calls, so I just take each call I do have as mellow as I can.

My song assingnment that's due in a few days is a bit hard. It's a bit more...classical...than what I'm used to singing, and it goes up pretty high. I'm working on it though. I do want this, so I'm going to sing whatever Juliet wants me to sing and however she wants me to sing it.

I was feeling very blah this past week, and for a day or two I thought, "Why am I even bothering? I'm no good, I'm old, I'm fat, I'm never going to make it." I found myself going down this horrible spiral of depression the moment I thought those words, and that kind of helped me get back out. When I'm not performing, when I don't have the intent of doing it again...it's the most horrible feeling in the world. That's how I know how much I love theater, the idea of me not being a part of it is crushing!

So I took a deep breath, felt the crushing weight on my heart at the horrible prospect, and then let it go because I am not giving up.

Tada! I'm outta that grave I accidentally dug. Gotta keep it moving, and not look back. Never look back. Keep your eye on the prize.

Maybe I should play some Eye of the Tiger, seems appropriate. :P

The Wall

I've hit a wall, not on my diet though. LOL. I've done ok there. I've lost 8 lbs, which is pretty surprising. Sorry I haven't updated, my schedule was all turned around and I couldn't find the time.

 My Barco training is done, today was my first day at my desk w/ the new account. IT WAS HORRIBLE!!! It started out fine, customer wanted to place an order, then I find out she was going to pay w/ a credit card and I crashed and burned. I couldn't process the damn thing! I kept putting her on hold and everyone was busy on the phones. Finally she said she was gonna call back and place the order after work because she had been on hold for too long. :( Epic fail.

 I was so freaking distraught, I was on the verge of tears. I knew I wasn't ready to get on the phone by myself, I kept telling my trainer, and they thought I was overreacting. But you know, I've been working at TJG for almost a year and I've been trained on 6 different accounts. I know when I'm just scared, or when I feel uneasy about the program because I don't have enough practice. This is different. Somewhere around the 2nd or 3rd day of training I hit a freaking wall and I did not learn anything. I'm so frustrated with myself, because it's been like this all week. I had a bad voice class this week too. I felt like I let my voice teacher down. Instead of improving, I did worse this week than when I first started coming to her. The worst part is, I was trying. I really was. She kept telling me to put my entire body into it like I usually do, and I thought I was.

 I just feel like a failure in everything I've done this week.

 My Barco account lead got the supervisor to move me for the next two days. I'm sitting in the back with them so when I get a call, if I need help, they're right there. That's good, I guess...

 I feel like a failure though. I feel really dumb. I'm used to being able to do things once I've had some practice, and I had 7 days worth of training. I should be able to do this! But I'm overwhelmed.

 I need something to go right next week. I hate feeling so discouraged with every aspect of my life, which is how I'm feeling.

Day 5; excuses.

I seem to have so many excuses this week, and the funny thing is, I'm not trying to make excuses. Things keep happening. How do people do this?

 Earlier this week - Monday to be exact - I got my period. Yippee. I was feeling a little weak and some minor discomfort, but it was ok. I exercised through the pain and dealt with it. Then yesterday and today when I woke up, I was in so much freaking pain. I popped some pain medicine and went to bed. No exercise.

 So let us do the math: Out of 6 days, I exercised 2 of them.

 Failure. Almost epic. My eating - except for my Rice Krispies - has been good, though. Tomorrow is my "free day" but I don't know if I should take it or not. Yes, I haven't eaten any of the yummy things I've been wanting to eat, but I haven't exercised....so I don't know.

 I may take it, because last night I was dying for some flan and chicken wings, which I was in the fridge. I'm weak. LOL.

 I want to say the next week will be better, but I have to train for Barco Monday, Tuesday, and Wed and I have to be there by 8:30, so I have to work around my schedule until Thursday when I get back to normal.

 This is pissing me off.