So I'm still bummed about New Years...I think. All I know is that I'm feeling bummed out. I'm sad, and lonely, and just feel like crying. The only thing that's been on my mind is that I really miss Aly. I'm so tired of pretending like the feeling isn't there. When me and her stopped being friends, I was heartbroken, but I couldn't show it. At least not in public. I always felt like someone was talking about me, waiting for something bad to happen to me so they can revel in it. And when bad things happened to me, I just didn't want to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me hurt. So I always pretended like I didn't care, like nothing ever bothered me. That feeling made me angry, and so, even though I was hurting, I turned my pain into anger and didn't mourn properly. And then when Aly and I became friends again 3 years later, I had such high hopes for us; I kinda expected us to go back to the way things were, but that didn't happen. We were outta high school, but I still had that fear of people waiting for something bad to happen to me. It didn't help that my mom wasn't thrilled about us being friends again, and Aly's dad didn't want us to be friends either, and of course Will sure as hell didn't want her and I to be back on speaking terms. I was getting messages from people telling me to stay away from Aly, even though she was the one that said she wanted us to be friends again. As always, I was the bad guy; yet I wasn't the one that ended the friendship. What no one seemed to realize was that when Aly and I stopped being friends, she had her other good friends to support her, she had her family, she had Will and the support of his family. I had Cassie (that's not a good thing). I lost everything when I lost her, because she was my entire world. I was completely and utterly alone. So when the people around us weren't thrilled about our renewed friendship, it just pissed me off. I kept thinking, "It's not fair. Why do I have to keep suffering? Why am I the one that can't have her. I knew her better than almost everyone else around her, and I sacrificed more for her than everyone else around her, and yet I wasn't allowed to be part of her life?"
So even though we became friends again, it wasn't the same. Because no one in her life accepted me, we couldn't properly hang out. I wasn't part of her life, I felt like the other woman that she saw in secret. I didn't like it. But I didn't do anything about it, because what could I do? So we began to drift apart...again. I ended up moving to PA, and we became virtual friends. You know, those friends you have on FB that you don't really talk to but "like" their statuses every once in a while, and maybe even comment. That made me angry too. Because ever since I lost her, I wanted her back. I've spent 8 years trying to fill the void that she left and I haven't been able to. I saw her pics and how happy she is with all these people in her life, and how she obviously is just fine without me. And yet, I'm not fine, and I haven't been fine. And I couldn't admit that to myself because of my pride and not wanting to break down and show weakness in front of...anyone....because I felt everyone was my enemy. I couldn't truly say and truly mean the words, "I miss you" until now. I finally opened that door and all of my thoughts are consumed by this one little person and how much she meant to me. How much she still means to me.
I was completely alone before she came along, and when I lost her I was alone again. And I'm still alone, even though we've put things behind us. We recently had another talk and I told her most of the things I've said here, and we've promised to try to get back what we had because she misses me too. I want that to happen, I know it's not going to be easy, and I'm scared that we're gonna fail. I'm putting so much hope into this and I'm afraid of what will happen to me if we don't make it. Especially now that I've opened that door and admitted just how much I care for her. I miss her almost every minute. When something good or exciting happens, I want to share it with her. When I'm bored, I want to do something with her. When I'm upset the only person I want to talk to is her. I hate that we're not where I want us to be. And I'm mad that we're so far away from each other. I want to be able to pick up the phone and call her and make plans to do something in a few hours or in a day or two. I want to be able to leave the house and just go over to her place and see if she's home.
I just needed to get some of this off my chest. Everyone has been trying to cheer me up because of what happened yesterday and they're only making things worse. The more they try, the more I miss Aly, because I know she's the only one that can cheer me up. If I could just see her for a few hours, I know that my mood would be completely lifted. Instead I'm just left missing her even more.
This, That, and Whatever.
Monday, January 02, 2012
Sunday, January 01, 2012
Happy New Year
It's January 1st, 2012. A new year, new resolutions, new goals, new ambitions. All things I had at 12:00 a.m. By 12:01 however, most of them were gone.
Were you ever hopeful and excited about a new beginning, and then right as it's beginning, something just kills all that was good about it? Yeah, that's my new year. New year, same old shit. I should have probably warned readers that this was not a happy blog...well I'm warning you now; this is not a happy blog. If you don't want me to bring you down with my negativity, leave my blog and go play Cityville on Facebook. Now, where was I...oh yes; I have a sneaking suspicion that 2012 is gonna suck for me. I'm trying to be optimistic, honest! But it's just one thing after another.
I think it started on December 25th, my birthday, also known as Christmas. This year I turned 26 and I was having a hard time with it. Not because I'm feeling old, per se. But more because I'm this "old" and have not accomplished anything that I set out to do 5 or 10 years ago. I am not where I should be and it's depressing as hell! I spent the day on the couch watching Food Network, it was a lazy day, and I liked it. Until my uncle showed up. He was there less than 10 minutes, and by minute 5 I was already pissed off. My world does NOT revolve around money. I don't know how many times I have to explain to my family that I refuse to take a class for something I do not want to do just because it'll get me a higher paying job. I can't stand their mentality!!! They don't care if I'm miserable, as long as I make money and buy lots of shiny things that I can flaunt. Because that's how they are; they don't even realize how miserable they are at their jobs because they're so happy with their possessions. It fucking disgusts me. It's all about appearance for them and that is not who I am. I don't care if I'm poor as hell and can't afford a decent apartment, as long as I'm happy, I don't care. I want to have a career where I'll be happy doing what it is I'm doing. Nobody gets it. Thankfully, my dear friend Lisa Pietsch gave me the motivation I needed. She hyped me up for the new year. 2012 was OUR year!
And then December 31st came. I wanted to do something this year, because practically every year I'm home by myself. My mother is with me a lot of the times, but she's either drunk, and/or passed out, or too busy with her boyfriend, or just too busy period. So I always spent it alone in my room. This year I wanted to spend it with friends, either at a bar or at a party or wherever. Well I made plans with my friend Arielle, but our plans got cancelled (she's having a rough period in her life, and I do not blame her for anything). So now I'm stuck home because I can't find other plans. Other years where I've done this I've honestly not cared. I'm used to being by myself, I welcomed it most of the time. But this year I just felt so lonely. I hate feeling this way. It reminds me of my childhood. My mom came downstairs around 10 to tell me she was going to come down at 11 so we could watch a movie (her boyfriend had fallen asleep). I did not want to do this; we have different taste in movies, she likes to talk while I'm trying to watch the movie, and she smokes and then my eyes start burning and I can't see anything. But no worries, because as soon as she suggested it she took it back and said maybe she would just come down 5 minutes before midnight. I told her to do whatever she wanted. No use deciding to spend time with her since her boyfriend could wake up and then she would cancel anyway.
I had to do SOMETHING to get out of this funk. So I decided to make cupcakes. Arielle had given me a gourmet cupcake mix for my birthday and I was looking for an excuse to make them. So I go in the kitchen and get on baking mode. At 11:15 my mom comes down and starts interrogating me as to what I'm doing. When I tell her I'm baking cupcakes she gets offended because we were supposed to watch a movie. I mentioned that she's 15 minutes late and that the cupcakes were already in the oven and would be out in 15 minutes; then I had to wait for them to cool before I frosted them so we could watch TV. We decided to watch the ball drop, it started out okay enough, I took the cupcakes out when they were done and put them in the fridge to cool them quicker. Then things quickly spiraled out of control; she decided to go upstairs and wake up her boyfriend so he could come downstairs, I went to the kitchen to get the cupcakes out of the fridge and start making the icing, and the next thing I know, she's yelling to come to the living room, I'm telling her to wait a minute (because I'm measuring), she keeps yelling, and between me looking over my shoulder so I could listen to her and yell back at her I accidentally add too much water to my frosting and ruin it! Now I'm hell pissed and I tell her she made me ruin my frosting and she has the audacity to say, "So what? You're supposed to spend the last few minutes of the year with your family not in the kitchen." After some more yelling back and forth, she dismisses me back to the kitchen, and I tell her she had no business being downstairs to get her ass back upstairs, and then my phone starts going off with texts of people wishing me a happy new year. We argued right through the new year. What pisses me off the most is the fact that she THINKS she has a right to demand quality time with me. I have always been and will always be her last choice. She's making a big deal about spending it with me, because she had no other plans and didn't want to be by herself. Not because she actually WANTS to spend the new year with her daughter. I could have been her sister, or a neighbor. And that pisses me off most of all, that after all this time I'm still her last choice, no matter what she says about trying to do better and seeing all the bad decisions she has made over the years...she still continues to make one of the biggest mistakes.
I try to stay optimistic, I try not to let things bother me, but when this is how my life is constantly...you can't maintain a cheery demeanor with so much negative energy and negative events being dumped on you. You just can't. At the end of it all, I'm by myself in my room writing this blog feeling really lonely, and really missing my friends back in Connecticut. I already feel defeated, and doubt that this year will be any different than the one that just ended.
Were you ever hopeful and excited about a new beginning, and then right as it's beginning, something just kills all that was good about it? Yeah, that's my new year. New year, same old shit. I should have probably warned readers that this was not a happy blog...well I'm warning you now; this is not a happy blog. If you don't want me to bring you down with my negativity, leave my blog and go play Cityville on Facebook. Now, where was I...oh yes; I have a sneaking suspicion that 2012 is gonna suck for me. I'm trying to be optimistic, honest! But it's just one thing after another.
I think it started on December 25th, my birthday, also known as Christmas. This year I turned 26 and I was having a hard time with it. Not because I'm feeling old, per se. But more because I'm this "old" and have not accomplished anything that I set out to do 5 or 10 years ago. I am not where I should be and it's depressing as hell! I spent the day on the couch watching Food Network, it was a lazy day, and I liked it. Until my uncle showed up. He was there less than 10 minutes, and by minute 5 I was already pissed off. My world does NOT revolve around money. I don't know how many times I have to explain to my family that I refuse to take a class for something I do not want to do just because it'll get me a higher paying job. I can't stand their mentality!!! They don't care if I'm miserable, as long as I make money and buy lots of shiny things that I can flaunt. Because that's how they are; they don't even realize how miserable they are at their jobs because they're so happy with their possessions. It fucking disgusts me. It's all about appearance for them and that is not who I am. I don't care if I'm poor as hell and can't afford a decent apartment, as long as I'm happy, I don't care. I want to have a career where I'll be happy doing what it is I'm doing. Nobody gets it. Thankfully, my dear friend Lisa Pietsch gave me the motivation I needed. She hyped me up for the new year. 2012 was OUR year!
And then December 31st came. I wanted to do something this year, because practically every year I'm home by myself. My mother is with me a lot of the times, but she's either drunk, and/or passed out, or too busy with her boyfriend, or just too busy period. So I always spent it alone in my room. This year I wanted to spend it with friends, either at a bar or at a party or wherever. Well I made plans with my friend Arielle, but our plans got cancelled (she's having a rough period in her life, and I do not blame her for anything). So now I'm stuck home because I can't find other plans. Other years where I've done this I've honestly not cared. I'm used to being by myself, I welcomed it most of the time. But this year I just felt so lonely. I hate feeling this way. It reminds me of my childhood. My mom came downstairs around 10 to tell me she was going to come down at 11 so we could watch a movie (her boyfriend had fallen asleep). I did not want to do this; we have different taste in movies, she likes to talk while I'm trying to watch the movie, and she smokes and then my eyes start burning and I can't see anything. But no worries, because as soon as she suggested it she took it back and said maybe she would just come down 5 minutes before midnight. I told her to do whatever she wanted. No use deciding to spend time with her since her boyfriend could wake up and then she would cancel anyway.
I had to do SOMETHING to get out of this funk. So I decided to make cupcakes. Arielle had given me a gourmet cupcake mix for my birthday and I was looking for an excuse to make them. So I go in the kitchen and get on baking mode. At 11:15 my mom comes down and starts interrogating me as to what I'm doing. When I tell her I'm baking cupcakes she gets offended because we were supposed to watch a movie. I mentioned that she's 15 minutes late and that the cupcakes were already in the oven and would be out in 15 minutes; then I had to wait for them to cool before I frosted them so we could watch TV. We decided to watch the ball drop, it started out okay enough, I took the cupcakes out when they were done and put them in the fridge to cool them quicker. Then things quickly spiraled out of control; she decided to go upstairs and wake up her boyfriend so he could come downstairs, I went to the kitchen to get the cupcakes out of the fridge and start making the icing, and the next thing I know, she's yelling to come to the living room, I'm telling her to wait a minute (because I'm measuring), she keeps yelling, and between me looking over my shoulder so I could listen to her and yell back at her I accidentally add too much water to my frosting and ruin it! Now I'm hell pissed and I tell her she made me ruin my frosting and she has the audacity to say, "So what? You're supposed to spend the last few minutes of the year with your family not in the kitchen." After some more yelling back and forth, she dismisses me back to the kitchen, and I tell her she had no business being downstairs to get her ass back upstairs, and then my phone starts going off with texts of people wishing me a happy new year. We argued right through the new year. What pisses me off the most is the fact that she THINKS she has a right to demand quality time with me. I have always been and will always be her last choice. She's making a big deal about spending it with me, because she had no other plans and didn't want to be by herself. Not because she actually WANTS to spend the new year with her daughter. I could have been her sister, or a neighbor. And that pisses me off most of all, that after all this time I'm still her last choice, no matter what she says about trying to do better and seeing all the bad decisions she has made over the years...she still continues to make one of the biggest mistakes.
I try to stay optimistic, I try not to let things bother me, but when this is how my life is constantly...you can't maintain a cheery demeanor with so much negative energy and negative events being dumped on you. You just can't. At the end of it all, I'm by myself in my room writing this blog feeling really lonely, and really missing my friends back in Connecticut. I already feel defeated, and doubt that this year will be any different than the one that just ended.
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