There's been something that's been bothering me for a while now. My mother. Of course there are many things about my mother that bother me, hehe. She seems to always be an issue in my life; but recently the issue has changed.
Before, I was always struggling with the emotional scars she left. I struggle with my confidence, with the need to be accepted and loved for who I am and not who she wanted me to be. I struggled with the resentment that I had; there were times where just looking at her filled me with such hate. Even now, she'll say things and they'll piss me off because she has a skewed version of the past. She constantly victimizes herself and blames her childhood and upbringing for the mistakes she made while raising me. A lot of it I feel is bullshit because the way she remembers things aren't usually how things went down. Whatever her reasons or motivations, I have learned not to hold on to the negative feelings. Yes, I still feel them, but I do not dwell on them. My mother and I are in a much better place.
That being said, she still annoys the hell out of me. We are still currently living together, and it's a nightmare. I miss the years that I lived on my own. We are just too different, and she is too pigheaded. She doesn't know how to compromise. It's irritating.
My mom is still young, she's only 47, but because of how hard she worked and how hard she abused her body (drugs, alcohol, constant beatings from her boyfriends) she's not in the best shape. Her English is bad, and she doesn't have the proper education - she never finished high school. It is getting harder and harder for her to find a decent job. Her attitude and mouth don't help either (damn pride). So now she's killing herself working and isn't making that much money.
The plan was for us to work so we could get ourselves situated financially. I had to leave school because I couldn't afford it, and we're like 4 months behind on rent. The landlord has been super kind with us, but unfortunately he needs to get paid. We have till the end of the year to come up with the money or he's going to have to do something. I'm working 40 hours a week, but my mom isn't. This last check she only got paid about $150, maybe. We have to make car payments or else they shut off the car and then we can't get to work. Our utilities are up to date now, but we're going to have to stop paying them to try to pay off the rent which is more important. After we get everything paid, I'm planning on moving out. My best friend Ashley is moving to PA from CT so we could be live together again how we used to. I know that with my paycheck alone I can do ok; and with Ashley living with me and us splitting the cost of everything, we'll be good.
But what about my mom? There is no way that she'll be able to pay rent, her car, utilities, etc. with what she's making a week. It's impossible! I don't want her to struggle. I don't want her to have to live in an efficiency room and share a bathroom with people...
I've told her that I would talk to Ashley about all 3 of us moving in together. We could find a 3 bedroom apartment. There are a lot that have 2 bedrooms in one floor and 1 single bedroom in a different floor. My mom can have the lone bedroom to give herself more privacy.
She doesn't like that idea at all. Because we're so different, and because I'm young; she doesn't want to get in the way or be a burden. And she doesn't want to feel burdened by us, like if we wanted to play loud music when she's trying to sleep.
I understand that, 100%. The idea of having to deal with my mom gives me a headache. We would argue about everything; how to decorate, what to cook, how to clean - we already do! But how can I leave her? How can I go home every night to my nice apartment and hang out with my friends and have fun and live my life, go to concerts or restaurants, or the casino...when my mom is struggling financially? When she's getting shut-off notices and has to pay for her medication...how can I leave her like that?
Yes, I can give her whatever money I have leftover after paying bills...but I can help her a lot more if we all lived together. We would all pay less money on bills if things were split 3 way, and we would all have more money leftover; so if she needed money, I would have a lot more to give her.
I can just imagine what Lisa would say about this if she read it - You need to make your own life, you can't help her forever, this is how she manipulates you...
But she's my mom. Whether I like it or not, she's my family. Maybe 5 years ago, I could have just left her to deal with her problems by herself. But not now, not anymore. She's changed, I've changed, our relationship has changed. Because I'm not holding on to my resentment and hatred of her, I can't purposely abandon her. I can't not care. The thought of what might happen to her sickens me. She has too much pride, and I know she would rather live in her car or go to a shelter than ask for my help. That's not what you do when you have a family, when you have kids. The only shot I have of convincing her is now, while we're still living together. Once I move out, she's going to hide things from me. She won't tell me just how bad she's doing until it's too late.
But like I said before, she refuses the idea. She won't even think about it. I'm not going to put my life on hold for her; Ashley is my family. Living with my best friend gave me that feeling of family that I've always looked for. I will not let anyone stand in the way of my family...but I can't abandon her. I can't choose one over the other.
I don't know what to do, or how to resolve this.
This, That, and Whatever.
Saturday, December 08, 2012
NaNo Failure
So it's been a month since I last blogged. Everyone probably thought I was busy getting my word count in for NaNo. Sadly, that is not the case. I didn't even make it to 5k. :(
They say that the ability to write is like a muscle and I've never been as aware of that as I was last month. I remember when I used to blog every day, when I would work on my erotic series, and participate in all sorts of writerly things. About two years ago, I decided to put everything on hold to pursue my theater dreams...now I am not going to get into the depressing details, but obviously things didn't work out. Anyway, it was foolish of me to think that after 2 years of not writing, that I would just pick up where I left off.
So the following are my excuses for not succeeding in NaNo this year:
1. I'm rusty. I couldn't make the words come out, and this wasn't me trying to edit as I wrote...I just couldn't form the story.
2. My story idea, though excited as I was to write, did not speak to me. Or I should say, my characters did not speak to me. I need my characters to talk to me, otherwise things become really difficult. They did not speak, not once. I think I wrote what I did just because I brainstormed and was genuinely excited with the idea.
3. The Sims 3 Seasons expansion pack came out in November. Now we all know my obsession with The Sims. I tried really hard to keep it at bay, and I think I did rather well. But at the end of the day, that was 1 hour a day that I could have been writing.
4. I got sick. I felt shitty! I slept the majority of my time.
5. I was (re)training for an account at work. When I got home from work, feeling under the weather as I was, I just didn't feel like doing anything.
6. I had to transition between my 8 a.m - 6:30 p.m shift to my new 7:15 p.m - 9:15 a.m. schedule. It took a minute to re-adjust myself.
and those are my excuses. But I can't dwell, or at least I refuse to dwell. I know what I have to do - get back to writing. Slowly, I'll be where I used to be, and then I'll surpass that as well. So my goal for the rest of the year and the new year, is to write more. More often and more words. Blogs, replies, chats, stories, etc. I gotta work my writing muscle any way I can. :)
They say that the ability to write is like a muscle and I've never been as aware of that as I was last month. I remember when I used to blog every day, when I would work on my erotic series, and participate in all sorts of writerly things. About two years ago, I decided to put everything on hold to pursue my theater dreams...now I am not going to get into the depressing details, but obviously things didn't work out. Anyway, it was foolish of me to think that after 2 years of not writing, that I would just pick up where I left off.
So the following are my excuses for not succeeding in NaNo this year:
1. I'm rusty. I couldn't make the words come out, and this wasn't me trying to edit as I wrote...I just couldn't form the story.
2. My story idea, though excited as I was to write, did not speak to me. Or I should say, my characters did not speak to me. I need my characters to talk to me, otherwise things become really difficult. They did not speak, not once. I think I wrote what I did just because I brainstormed and was genuinely excited with the idea.
3. The Sims 3 Seasons expansion pack came out in November. Now we all know my obsession with The Sims. I tried really hard to keep it at bay, and I think I did rather well. But at the end of the day, that was 1 hour a day that I could have been writing.
4. I got sick. I felt shitty! I slept the majority of my time.
5. I was (re)training for an account at work. When I got home from work, feeling under the weather as I was, I just didn't feel like doing anything.
6. I had to transition between my 8 a.m - 6:30 p.m shift to my new 7:15 p.m - 9:15 a.m. schedule. It took a minute to re-adjust myself.
and those are my excuses. But I can't dwell, or at least I refuse to dwell. I know what I have to do - get back to writing. Slowly, I'll be where I used to be, and then I'll surpass that as well. So my goal for the rest of the year and the new year, is to write more. More often and more words. Blogs, replies, chats, stories, etc. I gotta work my writing muscle any way I can. :)
Thursday, November 01, 2012
End of Day 1 recap
It is officially the end of day 1 of NaNoWriMo for me. I didn't get as many words in as I had planned, but I'm still ahead for the day so I'll take it.
I thought I would share the song lyrics I came up with a few hours ago; as I mentioned in the previous post, I made the decision to have song lyrics throughout the novel because the main character is a singer/songwriter. I have never really written song lyrics before, so that was tough, plus the fact that I was coming up with them on the spot was pretty hard too! All in all, I'm happy with what I came up with. Something is something, right?
I thought I would share the song lyrics I came up with a few hours ago; as I mentioned in the previous post, I made the decision to have song lyrics throughout the novel because the main character is a singer/songwriter. I have never really written song lyrics before, so that was tough, plus the fact that I was coming up with them on the spot was pretty hard too! All in all, I'm happy with what I came up with. Something is something, right?
Please Don't Go
Apologizing
was not enough
To repair
the damage that I caused
Now I stand
alone, watching you leave so slow
The pain of
losing you so intense I can barely stand
Please don’t
go I silently beg
Please, I
beg and beg
Don’t go…don’t
go
Seconds turn
into minutes
Minutes turn
into hours
The pain
refusing to subside
The hope of
your return refusing to die
I lay awake
thinking of the things I should have said
Please don’t
go I silently beg
Please, I
beg and beg
Don’t go…don’t
go
Losing my
thoughts in a world of grey
Those are
the words I meant to say
To keep you
from walking out
To keep you
from giving up
Please don’t go I silently beg
Please, I beg and beg
Don’t go…don’t go
Please don’t go
NaNo Day 1...The Beginning
Hello, just a quick update before I head to bed for a few hours.
For those who forgot what today is, and who didn't read the title of this post...it is November 1st, also known as day 1 of NaNoWriMo. I started writing at midnight because I wanted to get started as soon as possible. Because I work 10 hour shifts and I catch the bus, I'm not really going to be able to write every day, so the days I do write, I wanna make sure I get a good word count in. So as of 5 am I am at 2256 which I'm very happy with. I'm past the target average words per day and I still have the afternoon and evening of day 1 to get more words in. I would have had more words written but a few things happened.
1. My main character is a singer/songwriter and I made the creative decision to have song lyrics in my novel. Do you know how hard it is to come up with song lyrics at the drop of a hat? Hella difficult.
2. I got hungry around 12:30 a.m. (lol) so I made myself a sandwich...and watched Big Bang Theory while I ate it.
3. I woke my mom up for work and made her breakfast.
All time consuming tasks. Alas, my brain is tired and I cannot write any longer. So I will sleep, probably till 2 pm. Cook for the house, and then settle in to write the rest of the afternoon and evening. Then it's back to my work schedule.
So until then, I leave you with my widget - how I've missed using these. :)
For those who forgot what today is, and who didn't read the title of this post...it is November 1st, also known as day 1 of NaNoWriMo. I started writing at midnight because I wanted to get started as soon as possible. Because I work 10 hour shifts and I catch the bus, I'm not really going to be able to write every day, so the days I do write, I wanna make sure I get a good word count in. So as of 5 am I am at 2256 which I'm very happy with. I'm past the target average words per day and I still have the afternoon and evening of day 1 to get more words in. I would have had more words written but a few things happened.
1. My main character is a singer/songwriter and I made the creative decision to have song lyrics in my novel. Do you know how hard it is to come up with song lyrics at the drop of a hat? Hella difficult.
2. I got hungry around 12:30 a.m. (lol) so I made myself a sandwich...and watched Big Bang Theory while I ate it.
3. I woke my mom up for work and made her breakfast.
All time consuming tasks. Alas, my brain is tired and I cannot write any longer. So I will sleep, probably till 2 pm. Cook for the house, and then settle in to write the rest of the afternoon and evening. Then it's back to my work schedule.
So until then, I leave you with my widget - how I've missed using these. :)
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Lucky Me
Sandy is over and everyone is gearing to get the cleanup started. I live in PA so I was super nervous about the hurricane/superstorm/thing that was coming. I do not like natural disasters, this is why I live in the East Coast; I much rather NOT be in the middle of a hurricane or a tornado, or an earthquake.
I was supposed to work Monday all day and I was getting nervous because I take the bus in the evenings and then walk home from the terminal, and I kept hearing there was going to be fierce winds, and I kept imagining myself flying away. Then Sunday night right before I left work I heard the buses might not even be running that late, which pretty much took the decision out of my hands - I emailed my supervisor and told her I wasn't going to be able to come in. Which was a good thing since buses weren't running that late on Monday and then I found out that they closed the call center early, so I would have gotten out earlier, and still wouldn't have a ride home. So I stayed indoor yesterday, waiting for Sandy.
I watched the live coverage most of the day and kept scaring myself even more, until eventually I decided to play Sims until the power went out.
The power never went out...my street did not get flooded...my street is wet and full of leaves, that's it. I feel so grateful that I'm ok and had a pretty relaxing day aside from obsessing. Especially when I know so many people are without power even now, 2 of my best friends don't have power. I'm glad I'm ok, I'm glad I had it easy. My thoughts are with those who didn't have it as easy as I did...and with my #1 best friend who lives in Jersey and whom I haven't heard from today. I hope her and her family are ok.
I was supposed to work Monday all day and I was getting nervous because I take the bus in the evenings and then walk home from the terminal, and I kept hearing there was going to be fierce winds, and I kept imagining myself flying away. Then Sunday night right before I left work I heard the buses might not even be running that late, which pretty much took the decision out of my hands - I emailed my supervisor and told her I wasn't going to be able to come in. Which was a good thing since buses weren't running that late on Monday and then I found out that they closed the call center early, so I would have gotten out earlier, and still wouldn't have a ride home. So I stayed indoor yesterday, waiting for Sandy.
I watched the live coverage most of the day and kept scaring myself even more, until eventually I decided to play Sims until the power went out.
The power never went out...my street did not get flooded...my street is wet and full of leaves, that's it. I feel so grateful that I'm ok and had a pretty relaxing day aside from obsessing. Especially when I know so many people are without power even now, 2 of my best friends don't have power. I'm glad I'm ok, I'm glad I had it easy. My thoughts are with those who didn't have it as easy as I did...and with my #1 best friend who lives in Jersey and whom I haven't heard from today. I hope her and her family are ok.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
The Beginning of My NaNo Soundtrack
Since NaNo is taking an eeeternity to get here (can you tell I'm anxious?) I decided to take the last few hours of my day off to work on a playlist for my story. I knew it wasn't going to be easy since I'm not sure what the tone of my story is going to be; meaning I don't know how dark it will get. But I figured I'd give it a try...
I spent about 4 hours on it and ended up with 1 hour worth of music. LOL. Oy...
But something is something, right? So here is my soundtrack (so far) for my novel Broken Song:
Night Of The Hunter - 30 Seconds To Mars
A Modern Myth - 30 Seconds To Mars
Playmate To Jesus - Aqua
Come N' Get It - Aqua
Wind - Akeboshi
Orpheus - Mamoru Miyano
Vuela Mas Alto - OV7
Passacaglia - Secret Garden
Voy Malacostumbrado - Aventura
Conciencia - Aventura
She Will Be Loved (Acoustic) - Maroon 5
Smooth Criminal - David Garret
Electric Shock - f(x)
Jet - f(x)
And that's what I have so far.
On a totally unrelated note, I saw this online and I just had to share it with you guys.
Isn't it just freaking adorable!? I want it soooo bad!!! Hehe.
On another unrelated note - well unrelated to Sailor Moon, but related to NaNoWriMo (I'm jumping all over the place), I made another one of my characters into a sim. :D
This is Charisma Johnston
That's it for tonight. I hope you enjoy the songs, maybe some of them are new to you. TTFN!
I spent about 4 hours on it and ended up with 1 hour worth of music. LOL. Oy...
But something is something, right? So here is my soundtrack (so far) for my novel Broken Song:
Night Of The Hunter - 30 Seconds To Mars
A Modern Myth - 30 Seconds To Mars
Playmate To Jesus - Aqua
Come N' Get It - Aqua
Wind - Akeboshi
Orpheus - Mamoru Miyano
Vuela Mas Alto - OV7
Passacaglia - Secret Garden
Voy Malacostumbrado - Aventura
Conciencia - Aventura
She Will Be Loved (Acoustic) - Maroon 5
Smooth Criminal - David Garret
Electric Shock - f(x)
Jet - f(x)
And that's what I have so far.
On a totally unrelated note, I saw this online and I just had to share it with you guys.
Isn't it just freaking adorable!? I want it soooo bad!!! Hehe.
On another unrelated note - well unrelated to Sailor Moon, but related to NaNoWriMo (I'm jumping all over the place), I made another one of my characters into a sim. :D
This is Charisma Johnston
That's it for tonight. I hope you enjoy the songs, maybe some of them are new to you. TTFN!
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Sims3 - Not just for playing
As you know from my previous post(s), I have decided to participate in this years NaNoWriMo and I needed to come up with a new story. Since all my characters are MIA I needed to come up with new ones. I first came up with the story idea, and then the names of my characters. By this point I have a vague idea of what they look like, but I need a stronger mental image. I decided to go into CAS (Create A Sim) and play around to see if I could come up with my characters. Conclusion: Sims 3 is an awesome way to get a clearer idea of what characters look like.
Meet Johanna Langley:
Superstar Anna:
Aiden Feare:
Beau Fiore:
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
My NaNo Story
I figured out what I'm writing for NaNoWriMo, and it took me less than a day to figure it out! Here is my synopsis:
Johanna Langley had one dream: to be a successful singer with thousands of fans. At 26, she was beginning to get desperate. Then one night she meets Beau Fiore who offers her dream in a silver platter...for a price. Johanna accepts and becomes the overnight sensation Anna; but the price she paid has hidden consequences. Now it's up to her number one fan and childhood friend, Aiden Feare to figure out what price Johanna paid for her fame and save her from her dream.
I'm super excited to get started.
Monday, October 22, 2012
A little bit of this, a little bit of that
Where does the time go? Had not realized it's been this long since I blogged. Work has got me a little busy. I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not...I got a job. :) Well, I should probably back up a bit...the awful warehouse job I got...I quit...3 hours after my second day. It was horrible, I couldn't do it. I am not cut out for it.
Desperate, I turned to Craigslist for job postings and there I found a CSR position. I emailed them my resume and they called me the next day. Turns out it was for the call center where I used to work at. My old supervisor saw my resume go through and had the HR person contact me immediately. He set up an interview for me to go see my old supervisor and when I went in for my "interview" she caught me up on the things that had changed and handed me a list of the available shifts and told me to pick the one I wanted. She even adjusted it slightly for me. She then said that I didn't really need to submit a resume or interview...and that was that. So I spent half of last week and half of the week before re-training on Healthy Directions, and by the beginning of last week I was ready to go out on my own. Unfortunately my desk wasn't ready so I had to wait until Wed, but I got my desk and I'm all set. This week is my first full week on my schedule - 10 hour shifts, which sucks, especially since they start at 8 a.m and I am NOT a morning person. But, I only work 4 days a week and I have Tuesday-Thursday off, and I really like that.
Ok, enough about work, blah blah blah, I'm boring myself. On to more exciting stuff. I decided to dust off my old NaNoWriMo profile and participate this year. I was MIA the last two years, but this year, I'm all for it. Now I have to come up with a story idea in 9 days...let's see what happens! I'm excited, I've missed it. This is my link in case you want to follow along or add me; http://nanowrimo.org/en/participants/saturnmoonie.
Well that's it for tonight. Let's see where things go from here. Until next time...
Desperate, I turned to Craigslist for job postings and there I found a CSR position. I emailed them my resume and they called me the next day. Turns out it was for the call center where I used to work at. My old supervisor saw my resume go through and had the HR person contact me immediately. He set up an interview for me to go see my old supervisor and when I went in for my "interview" she caught me up on the things that had changed and handed me a list of the available shifts and told me to pick the one I wanted. She even adjusted it slightly for me. She then said that I didn't really need to submit a resume or interview...and that was that. So I spent half of last week and half of the week before re-training on Healthy Directions, and by the beginning of last week I was ready to go out on my own. Unfortunately my desk wasn't ready so I had to wait until Wed, but I got my desk and I'm all set. This week is my first full week on my schedule - 10 hour shifts, which sucks, especially since they start at 8 a.m and I am NOT a morning person. But, I only work 4 days a week and I have Tuesday-Thursday off, and I really like that.
Ok, enough about work, blah blah blah, I'm boring myself. On to more exciting stuff. I decided to dust off my old NaNoWriMo profile and participate this year. I was MIA the last two years, but this year, I'm all for it. Now I have to come up with a story idea in 9 days...let's see what happens! I'm excited, I've missed it. This is my link in case you want to follow along or add me; http://nanowrimo.org/en/participants/saturnmoonie.
Well that's it for tonight. Let's see where things go from here. Until next time...
Monday, October 08, 2012
Stop it!
You know how people get annoyed by people on their Facebook that post nothing but baby pics, and so their wall is filled with like 100 different babies? Well that's how I feel, but about religion. I don't know if it's the upcoming election or "the end of the world" or whatever, but every other post on my wall is about religion. At first I just ignore it because it was nice things...stuff like "God cares about you blah blah blah" but now it's stuff like "You better let God save you or you'll burn." And if that wasn't bad enough, now there's religion/politics crap on my wall. I already don't like religion and I already don't like politics, so add the two together and it really irritates me. I know some things go together like chocolate and peanut butter, or peanut butter and jelly; but not religion and politics. I can't STAND it when people say stuff like, "Oh well if you're against this then why are you voting for this person." or "The bible predicted this and so and so will bring this nation down." I'm about to scream. It's gonna come down to me just deleting a whole shit ton of people. I don't mind people expressing their religious or political views...we're all entitled to our opinions. And yeah, we think other people are wrong...but at the end of the day who the fuck are we to say who's right and who's wrong? It's all about perception. I don't care if you think I'm wrong or you think I'm right...STOP SHOVING YOUR BELIEFS DOWN MY THROAT! You want to have a discussion, go to a fucking forum and stop posting on your FB wall every 30 seconds about God and/or one of the presidential candidates! Seriously! Every fucking 30 seconds. Enough already!
Friday, October 05, 2012
The ruling attendant steams before the infinite disguise.
So I'm thinking about posting multiple entries a day. Not everyday, but whenever it does happen, I hope that no one minds, lol. This blog entry is a "test" of sorts, so it's ok if you found this post weird. :)
Things MIGHT be looking up
Maybe.
I got a job. It's with the call center I used to work with; I hear things are "brutal" so I'm a little apprehensive about going back. Also I'll be doing 1st shift so I'm kind of dreading that, and they are 10 hour shifts. But you know what? I can't complain. I almost lost everything. This is a job and it pays ok. So I will suck it up and work. Besides, the days I'm really going to be working are Fridays and Mondays...Saturdays and Sundays won't be as busy which is why I chose them. ;)
Funny, I originally had no idea I was applying at my old job; I saw a CSR job post on craigslist and sent my resume and it turned out to be them. Since they were on my resume I guess they mentioned me to one of my former supervisors. She told them to call me ASAP and that she wanted to talk to me - even though she usually didn't do the interviews. Well here I am, nervous, and hoping since she knows me that the interview would go smoothly...and it turns out I wasn't really there for an interview. I already had the position! She wanted to briefly catch me up on some changes in the company and the client and she showed me the available shifts and told me to choose the one I wanted. She even tweaked it a bit for me. Then she said that when they gave her my name she said that they didn't even need to interview me that the job was mine. And that made me feel good. I like when people say I do a good job, and having this type of reaction feels very good. I only worked there for a little under 2 years and I've been way for over a year...for her to be that happy to give me a job really makes me smile. It makes me want to do a good job not only for myself and my economic situation but also for her, for having so much faith in me and my ability.
I got a job. It's with the call center I used to work with; I hear things are "brutal" so I'm a little apprehensive about going back. Also I'll be doing 1st shift so I'm kind of dreading that, and they are 10 hour shifts. But you know what? I can't complain. I almost lost everything. This is a job and it pays ok. So I will suck it up and work. Besides, the days I'm really going to be working are Fridays and Mondays...Saturdays and Sundays won't be as busy which is why I chose them. ;)
Funny, I originally had no idea I was applying at my old job; I saw a CSR job post on craigslist and sent my resume and it turned out to be them. Since they were on my resume I guess they mentioned me to one of my former supervisors. She told them to call me ASAP and that she wanted to talk to me - even though she usually didn't do the interviews. Well here I am, nervous, and hoping since she knows me that the interview would go smoothly...and it turns out I wasn't really there for an interview. I already had the position! She wanted to briefly catch me up on some changes in the company and the client and she showed me the available shifts and told me to choose the one I wanted. She even tweaked it a bit for me. Then she said that when they gave her my name she said that they didn't even need to interview me that the job was mine. And that made me feel good. I like when people say I do a good job, and having this type of reaction feels very good. I only worked there for a little under 2 years and I've been way for over a year...for her to be that happy to give me a job really makes me smile. It makes me want to do a good job not only for myself and my economic situation but also for her, for having so much faith in me and my ability.
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
I am not cutout for manual labor
I am very grateful I have a job. I really am...but I wanna get the hell outta there! And today was my first day! I have never worked in a warehouse before; I've done retail, and customer service. Give me papers and computers and I can work 12 hour shifts no problem. I worked 7.5 hours today and I feel like a truck ran me over. Twice!
So as I mentioned I work in a warehouse, and the work itself is pretty easy; I spent the entire time making boxes. But standing on one spot for long periods of time killed my feet and those motherfucking boxes cut like I don't know what. My entire arms are full of cuts, and my fingers... don't get me started on my fingers...I bled 3 different times in 3 different fingers..I don't even know how I'm typing right now. They're sooo stiff, and my back is killing me. And I have to do this 5 days a week. I'm REALLY not cutout for manual labor. I need another job. HELP!
So as I mentioned I work in a warehouse, and the work itself is pretty easy; I spent the entire time making boxes. But standing on one spot for long periods of time killed my feet and those motherfucking boxes cut like I don't know what. My entire arms are full of cuts, and my fingers... don't get me started on my fingers...I bled 3 different times in 3 different fingers..I don't even know how I'm typing right now. They're sooo stiff, and my back is killing me. And I have to do this 5 days a week. I'm REALLY not cutout for manual labor. I need another job. HELP!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Are you serious...?
Just when I thought things were going to get worse...they got better. Never in a million years would I have thought that my mom was going to get a phone call at 5:30 pm on a Sunday from a job agency offering her a job. And never would I have thought that I would accompany her to the office to fill out paperwork, and I would end up filling out an application and get hired on the spot. So now we BOTH have jobs! It is so surreal, I still can't believe it.
I'm really excited because that means we don't have to move back to Connecticut (even though I was already looking forward to seeing my best friends), and I don't have to get rid of any of my books or my "pimp" chair; but I'm a little afraid. I don't want to get my hopes up, and then something happens and we lose this opportunity. I don't mean to be so negative, but this has happened twice with my mom this month alone. So for now, I'm cautiously happy, and very relieved.
I'm really excited because that means we don't have to move back to Connecticut (even though I was already looking forward to seeing my best friends), and I don't have to get rid of any of my books or my "pimp" chair; but I'm a little afraid. I don't want to get my hopes up, and then something happens and we lose this opportunity. I don't mean to be so negative, but this has happened twice with my mom this month alone. So for now, I'm cautiously happy, and very relieved.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Dusting off the spiderwebs
Wow! 8 months, that's how long I've been away. I was reading my 2 blog entries of this year...how I said it was going to be a bad year. Boy was I right! It's been a horrible year for me, I'm still trying to stay afloat but it's hard. I started school in February and I knew I was going to be too busy working and going to school to blog, and I was right. Then in August I had to withdraw from school due to financial reasons and that was pretty much the beginning of my world crumbling. I am currently unemployed and have been seeking employment for a while now to no avail. My mother is also unemployed and she hasn't had much luck in the job search field either. We're close to becoming homeless at this point. And there is a high possibility that if we don't find employment real soon we will be moving back to Connecticut.
I don't want to get into the details of how I feel about that - it's just too emotional. I just wanted to get reacquainted with this blog and with any readers that are still around. Now that I have the time, I plan on getting back to my blogging ways, so expect more blogs from yours truly. :)
I don't want to get into the details of how I feel about that - it's just too emotional. I just wanted to get reacquainted with this blog and with any readers that are still around. Now that I have the time, I plan on getting back to my blogging ways, so expect more blogs from yours truly. :)
Monday, January 02, 2012
I Miss You
So I'm still bummed about New Years...I think. All I know is that I'm feeling bummed out. I'm sad, and lonely, and just feel like crying. The only thing that's been on my mind is that I really miss Aly. I'm so tired of pretending like the feeling isn't there. When me and her stopped being friends, I was heartbroken, but I couldn't show it. At least not in public. I always felt like someone was talking about me, waiting for something bad to happen to me so they can revel in it. And when bad things happened to me, I just didn't want to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me hurt. So I always pretended like I didn't care, like nothing ever bothered me. That feeling made me angry, and so, even though I was hurting, I turned my pain into anger and didn't mourn properly. And then when Aly and I became friends again 3 years later, I had such high hopes for us; I kinda expected us to go back to the way things were, but that didn't happen. We were outta high school, but I still had that fear of people waiting for something bad to happen to me. It didn't help that my mom wasn't thrilled about us being friends again, and Aly's dad didn't want us to be friends either, and of course Will sure as hell didn't want her and I to be back on speaking terms. I was getting messages from people telling me to stay away from Aly, even though she was the one that said she wanted us to be friends again. As always, I was the bad guy; yet I wasn't the one that ended the friendship. What no one seemed to realize was that when Aly and I stopped being friends, she had her other good friends to support her, she had her family, she had Will and the support of his family. I had Cassie (that's not a good thing). I lost everything when I lost her, because she was my entire world. I was completely and utterly alone. So when the people around us weren't thrilled about our renewed friendship, it just pissed me off. I kept thinking, "It's not fair. Why do I have to keep suffering? Why am I the one that can't have her. I knew her better than almost everyone else around her, and I sacrificed more for her than everyone else around her, and yet I wasn't allowed to be part of her life?"
So even though we became friends again, it wasn't the same. Because no one in her life accepted me, we couldn't properly hang out. I wasn't part of her life, I felt like the other woman that she saw in secret. I didn't like it. But I didn't do anything about it, because what could I do? So we began to drift apart...again. I ended up moving to PA, and we became virtual friends. You know, those friends you have on FB that you don't really talk to but "like" their statuses every once in a while, and maybe even comment. That made me angry too. Because ever since I lost her, I wanted her back. I've spent 8 years trying to fill the void that she left and I haven't been able to. I saw her pics and how happy she is with all these people in her life, and how she obviously is just fine without me. And yet, I'm not fine, and I haven't been fine. And I couldn't admit that to myself because of my pride and not wanting to break down and show weakness in front of...anyone....because I felt everyone was my enemy. I couldn't truly say and truly mean the words, "I miss you" until now. I finally opened that door and all of my thoughts are consumed by this one little person and how much she meant to me. How much she still means to me.
I was completely alone before she came along, and when I lost her I was alone again. And I'm still alone, even though we've put things behind us. We recently had another talk and I told her most of the things I've said here, and we've promised to try to get back what we had because she misses me too. I want that to happen, I know it's not going to be easy, and I'm scared that we're gonna fail. I'm putting so much hope into this and I'm afraid of what will happen to me if we don't make it. Especially now that I've opened that door and admitted just how much I care for her. I miss her almost every minute. When something good or exciting happens, I want to share it with her. When I'm bored, I want to do something with her. When I'm upset the only person I want to talk to is her. I hate that we're not where I want us to be. And I'm mad that we're so far away from each other. I want to be able to pick up the phone and call her and make plans to do something in a few hours or in a day or two. I want to be able to leave the house and just go over to her place and see if she's home.
I just needed to get some of this off my chest. Everyone has been trying to cheer me up because of what happened yesterday and they're only making things worse. The more they try, the more I miss Aly, because I know she's the only one that can cheer me up. If I could just see her for a few hours, I know that my mood would be completely lifted. Instead I'm just left missing her even more.
So even though we became friends again, it wasn't the same. Because no one in her life accepted me, we couldn't properly hang out. I wasn't part of her life, I felt like the other woman that she saw in secret. I didn't like it. But I didn't do anything about it, because what could I do? So we began to drift apart...again. I ended up moving to PA, and we became virtual friends. You know, those friends you have on FB that you don't really talk to but "like" their statuses every once in a while, and maybe even comment. That made me angry too. Because ever since I lost her, I wanted her back. I've spent 8 years trying to fill the void that she left and I haven't been able to. I saw her pics and how happy she is with all these people in her life, and how she obviously is just fine without me. And yet, I'm not fine, and I haven't been fine. And I couldn't admit that to myself because of my pride and not wanting to break down and show weakness in front of...anyone....because I felt everyone was my enemy. I couldn't truly say and truly mean the words, "I miss you" until now. I finally opened that door and all of my thoughts are consumed by this one little person and how much she meant to me. How much she still means to me.
I was completely alone before she came along, and when I lost her I was alone again. And I'm still alone, even though we've put things behind us. We recently had another talk and I told her most of the things I've said here, and we've promised to try to get back what we had because she misses me too. I want that to happen, I know it's not going to be easy, and I'm scared that we're gonna fail. I'm putting so much hope into this and I'm afraid of what will happen to me if we don't make it. Especially now that I've opened that door and admitted just how much I care for her. I miss her almost every minute. When something good or exciting happens, I want to share it with her. When I'm bored, I want to do something with her. When I'm upset the only person I want to talk to is her. I hate that we're not where I want us to be. And I'm mad that we're so far away from each other. I want to be able to pick up the phone and call her and make plans to do something in a few hours or in a day or two. I want to be able to leave the house and just go over to her place and see if she's home.
I just needed to get some of this off my chest. Everyone has been trying to cheer me up because of what happened yesterday and they're only making things worse. The more they try, the more I miss Aly, because I know she's the only one that can cheer me up. If I could just see her for a few hours, I know that my mood would be completely lifted. Instead I'm just left missing her even more.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
Happy New Year
It's January 1st, 2012. A new year, new resolutions, new goals, new ambitions. All things I had at 12:00 a.m. By 12:01 however, most of them were gone.
Were you ever hopeful and excited about a new beginning, and then right as it's beginning, something just kills all that was good about it? Yeah, that's my new year. New year, same old shit. I should have probably warned readers that this was not a happy blog...well I'm warning you now; this is not a happy blog. If you don't want me to bring you down with my negativity, leave my blog and go play Cityville on Facebook. Now, where was I...oh yes; I have a sneaking suspicion that 2012 is gonna suck for me. I'm trying to be optimistic, honest! But it's just one thing after another.
I think it started on December 25th, my birthday, also known as Christmas. This year I turned 26 and I was having a hard time with it. Not because I'm feeling old, per se. But more because I'm this "old" and have not accomplished anything that I set out to do 5 or 10 years ago. I am not where I should be and it's depressing as hell! I spent the day on the couch watching Food Network, it was a lazy day, and I liked it. Until my uncle showed up. He was there less than 10 minutes, and by minute 5 I was already pissed off. My world does NOT revolve around money. I don't know how many times I have to explain to my family that I refuse to take a class for something I do not want to do just because it'll get me a higher paying job. I can't stand their mentality!!! They don't care if I'm miserable, as long as I make money and buy lots of shiny things that I can flaunt. Because that's how they are; they don't even realize how miserable they are at their jobs because they're so happy with their possessions. It fucking disgusts me. It's all about appearance for them and that is not who I am. I don't care if I'm poor as hell and can't afford a decent apartment, as long as I'm happy, I don't care. I want to have a career where I'll be happy doing what it is I'm doing. Nobody gets it. Thankfully, my dear friend Lisa Pietsch gave me the motivation I needed. She hyped me up for the new year. 2012 was OUR year!
And then December 31st came. I wanted to do something this year, because practically every year I'm home by myself. My mother is with me a lot of the times, but she's either drunk, and/or passed out, or too busy with her boyfriend, or just too busy period. So I always spent it alone in my room. This year I wanted to spend it with friends, either at a bar or at a party or wherever. Well I made plans with my friend Arielle, but our plans got cancelled (she's having a rough period in her life, and I do not blame her for anything). So now I'm stuck home because I can't find other plans. Other years where I've done this I've honestly not cared. I'm used to being by myself, I welcomed it most of the time. But this year I just felt so lonely. I hate feeling this way. It reminds me of my childhood. My mom came downstairs around 10 to tell me she was going to come down at 11 so we could watch a movie (her boyfriend had fallen asleep). I did not want to do this; we have different taste in movies, she likes to talk while I'm trying to watch the movie, and she smokes and then my eyes start burning and I can't see anything. But no worries, because as soon as she suggested it she took it back and said maybe she would just come down 5 minutes before midnight. I told her to do whatever she wanted. No use deciding to spend time with her since her boyfriend could wake up and then she would cancel anyway.
I had to do SOMETHING to get out of this funk. So I decided to make cupcakes. Arielle had given me a gourmet cupcake mix for my birthday and I was looking for an excuse to make them. So I go in the kitchen and get on baking mode. At 11:15 my mom comes down and starts interrogating me as to what I'm doing. When I tell her I'm baking cupcakes she gets offended because we were supposed to watch a movie. I mentioned that she's 15 minutes late and that the cupcakes were already in the oven and would be out in 15 minutes; then I had to wait for them to cool before I frosted them so we could watch TV. We decided to watch the ball drop, it started out okay enough, I took the cupcakes out when they were done and put them in the fridge to cool them quicker. Then things quickly spiraled out of control; she decided to go upstairs and wake up her boyfriend so he could come downstairs, I went to the kitchen to get the cupcakes out of the fridge and start making the icing, and the next thing I know, she's yelling to come to the living room, I'm telling her to wait a minute (because I'm measuring), she keeps yelling, and between me looking over my shoulder so I could listen to her and yell back at her I accidentally add too much water to my frosting and ruin it! Now I'm hell pissed and I tell her she made me ruin my frosting and she has the audacity to say, "So what? You're supposed to spend the last few minutes of the year with your family not in the kitchen." After some more yelling back and forth, she dismisses me back to the kitchen, and I tell her she had no business being downstairs to get her ass back upstairs, and then my phone starts going off with texts of people wishing me a happy new year. We argued right through the new year. What pisses me off the most is the fact that she THINKS she has a right to demand quality time with me. I have always been and will always be her last choice. She's making a big deal about spending it with me, because she had no other plans and didn't want to be by herself. Not because she actually WANTS to spend the new year with her daughter. I could have been her sister, or a neighbor. And that pisses me off most of all, that after all this time I'm still her last choice, no matter what she says about trying to do better and seeing all the bad decisions she has made over the years...she still continues to make one of the biggest mistakes.
I try to stay optimistic, I try not to let things bother me, but when this is how my life is constantly...you can't maintain a cheery demeanor with so much negative energy and negative events being dumped on you. You just can't. At the end of it all, I'm by myself in my room writing this blog feeling really lonely, and really missing my friends back in Connecticut. I already feel defeated, and doubt that this year will be any different than the one that just ended.
Were you ever hopeful and excited about a new beginning, and then right as it's beginning, something just kills all that was good about it? Yeah, that's my new year. New year, same old shit. I should have probably warned readers that this was not a happy blog...well I'm warning you now; this is not a happy blog. If you don't want me to bring you down with my negativity, leave my blog and go play Cityville on Facebook. Now, where was I...oh yes; I have a sneaking suspicion that 2012 is gonna suck for me. I'm trying to be optimistic, honest! But it's just one thing after another.
I think it started on December 25th, my birthday, also known as Christmas. This year I turned 26 and I was having a hard time with it. Not because I'm feeling old, per se. But more because I'm this "old" and have not accomplished anything that I set out to do 5 or 10 years ago. I am not where I should be and it's depressing as hell! I spent the day on the couch watching Food Network, it was a lazy day, and I liked it. Until my uncle showed up. He was there less than 10 minutes, and by minute 5 I was already pissed off. My world does NOT revolve around money. I don't know how many times I have to explain to my family that I refuse to take a class for something I do not want to do just because it'll get me a higher paying job. I can't stand their mentality!!! They don't care if I'm miserable, as long as I make money and buy lots of shiny things that I can flaunt. Because that's how they are; they don't even realize how miserable they are at their jobs because they're so happy with their possessions. It fucking disgusts me. It's all about appearance for them and that is not who I am. I don't care if I'm poor as hell and can't afford a decent apartment, as long as I'm happy, I don't care. I want to have a career where I'll be happy doing what it is I'm doing. Nobody gets it. Thankfully, my dear friend Lisa Pietsch gave me the motivation I needed. She hyped me up for the new year. 2012 was OUR year!
And then December 31st came. I wanted to do something this year, because practically every year I'm home by myself. My mother is with me a lot of the times, but she's either drunk, and/or passed out, or too busy with her boyfriend, or just too busy period. So I always spent it alone in my room. This year I wanted to spend it with friends, either at a bar or at a party or wherever. Well I made plans with my friend Arielle, but our plans got cancelled (she's having a rough period in her life, and I do not blame her for anything). So now I'm stuck home because I can't find other plans. Other years where I've done this I've honestly not cared. I'm used to being by myself, I welcomed it most of the time. But this year I just felt so lonely. I hate feeling this way. It reminds me of my childhood. My mom came downstairs around 10 to tell me she was going to come down at 11 so we could watch a movie (her boyfriend had fallen asleep). I did not want to do this; we have different taste in movies, she likes to talk while I'm trying to watch the movie, and she smokes and then my eyes start burning and I can't see anything. But no worries, because as soon as she suggested it she took it back and said maybe she would just come down 5 minutes before midnight. I told her to do whatever she wanted. No use deciding to spend time with her since her boyfriend could wake up and then she would cancel anyway.
I had to do SOMETHING to get out of this funk. So I decided to make cupcakes. Arielle had given me a gourmet cupcake mix for my birthday and I was looking for an excuse to make them. So I go in the kitchen and get on baking mode. At 11:15 my mom comes down and starts interrogating me as to what I'm doing. When I tell her I'm baking cupcakes she gets offended because we were supposed to watch a movie. I mentioned that she's 15 minutes late and that the cupcakes were already in the oven and would be out in 15 minutes; then I had to wait for them to cool before I frosted them so we could watch TV. We decided to watch the ball drop, it started out okay enough, I took the cupcakes out when they were done and put them in the fridge to cool them quicker. Then things quickly spiraled out of control; she decided to go upstairs and wake up her boyfriend so he could come downstairs, I went to the kitchen to get the cupcakes out of the fridge and start making the icing, and the next thing I know, she's yelling to come to the living room, I'm telling her to wait a minute (because I'm measuring), she keeps yelling, and between me looking over my shoulder so I could listen to her and yell back at her I accidentally add too much water to my frosting and ruin it! Now I'm hell pissed and I tell her she made me ruin my frosting and she has the audacity to say, "So what? You're supposed to spend the last few minutes of the year with your family not in the kitchen." After some more yelling back and forth, she dismisses me back to the kitchen, and I tell her she had no business being downstairs to get her ass back upstairs, and then my phone starts going off with texts of people wishing me a happy new year. We argued right through the new year. What pisses me off the most is the fact that she THINKS she has a right to demand quality time with me. I have always been and will always be her last choice. She's making a big deal about spending it with me, because she had no other plans and didn't want to be by herself. Not because she actually WANTS to spend the new year with her daughter. I could have been her sister, or a neighbor. And that pisses me off most of all, that after all this time I'm still her last choice, no matter what she says about trying to do better and seeing all the bad decisions she has made over the years...she still continues to make one of the biggest mistakes.
I try to stay optimistic, I try not to let things bother me, but when this is how my life is constantly...you can't maintain a cheery demeanor with so much negative energy and negative events being dumped on you. You just can't. At the end of it all, I'm by myself in my room writing this blog feeling really lonely, and really missing my friends back in Connecticut. I already feel defeated, and doubt that this year will be any different than the one that just ended.
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